Pissed by Chris Shamburger - Short - A woman has to pee in a place with no restroom. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

This script just didn't work for me.  Sorry.  It seemed you were aiming for shock humor with how Nick and Marie talked to each other which, I thought, fell flat.  There were only two instances that I thought were funny, and one of them was probably unintentional.  The payoff, at the end, was not good at all.  It made me think that you wrote it because you got tired of the script and wanted to end it.


Phil

I'd agree the ending just...ends. There's no real payoff here. I'd also question the use of "piss" ...now individual experience differs but most ladies I've know "pee" not "piss" ..."pee".

But the main thing is, there's not a payoff or zinger ending to the story. One would think the ending would key off of her need to pee..somehow,someway.

Quoted from dogglebe This script just didn't work for me.  Sorry.  It seemed you were aiming for shock humor with how Nick and Marie talked to each other which, I thought, fell flat.  There were only two instances that I thought were funny, and one of them was probably unintentional.  The payoff, at the end, was not good at all.  It made me think that you wrote it because you got tired of the script and wanted to end it. Phil

Fair enough. Thanks for reading.

I actually wrote this script specifically for the ending.

The idea is that everyday things (hunger, thirst, or even the urge to use the restroom) affect our judgment, and once they're satiated, we find something else to complain about. The urge to pee is just one of the many things people will complain about in a day when something else doesn't bother them anymore. And once that's over, they'll find something else. It's a neverending cycle.

Quoted from mikep I'd agree the ending just...ends. There's no real payoff here. I'd also question the use of "p*ss" ...now individual experience differs but most ladies I've know "pee" not "p*ss" ..."pee".

Absolutely. Because Marie is physically suffering, I wanted her to use unfamiliar (and crude) vocabulary to get her situation across to her husband. He acts clueless because it's not his problem, and it could've been avoided if she had just gone earlier when they went out to eat. She uses this language to make it his problem.

Thanks to both of you for reading. I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it.

Quoted from Sham Absolutely. Because Marie is physically suffering, I wanted her to use unfamiliar (and crude) vocabulary to get her situation across to her husband. He acts clueless because it's not his problem, and it could've been avoided if she had just gone earlier when they went out to eat. She uses this language to make it his problem.

I thought it was funny that she's using all this profanity, but she still uses the word heck.

Phil

Hi Sham

I've got to disagree with Phil and Mike here. I thought this was funny and the 'punchline' at the end was a good enough payoff. I say punchline because it pretty much reads like a joke. Kind of like a scene from 'Friends' or something.

The only things I didn't really get were these;

When Marie says "...feeling the irony destroy my kidneys by the second". I didn't think it was irony that she didn't need the toilet at the restaurant but now suddenly does. That's more just bad luck but maybe my understanding of irony isn't right.

The other thing was how much Marie talks in the car. I just didn't buy the fact she was talking so excessively when needing the toilet.

Other than that I thought it was funny-maybe you could use this as a scene in a feature you write in the future.

Ste

I have to agree with Stebrown. I thought the ending was really funny. I didn't get the irony kidney line either, but overall I enjoyed it.

I'm going to have to agree with the majority here and say that some of the dialogue was (a) trying to hard, and (b) not believable between this married couple. A few lines that just didn't feel right:

"You've been holding it in since the Archaic period..."
"hose up your snatch..."
"bleeding the lizard....."
"I didn't about anyone when I was doing it..."

Witty dialogue, but it didn't seem to work in the current situation. This isn't the world of Diablo Cody, where anyone of any age will say anything.

Also, you have the two making a nice little clever exchange (again, not exactly believably) during the car ride home. But the trouble there was, there were no signs during that scene, other than what they were saying, that Marie still had to 'go.' In the video store, you had her jumping around, having a fit. In the car, however, physicality apparently took a back seat to an attempt at humor.  

I did, however, enjoy the ending punchline of sorts. Now with the bladder off her mind, she notices the receipt. That part was clever, I'll admit. In fact, its the only time I chuckled the entire script. And in a comedic script (even a short one) I don't think that's necessarily a good thing.

Hey Sham, I found this both funny and...not.  

Some of the lines were really funny 'hose up your snatch' for example but at times it read like there was gag just for the sake of having a gag.  By this I mean some of the dialogue didn't read true and seemed a bit unatural.

In all though, the ending was quite funny and I enjoyed it.

I was looking for a quickie and this one caught my eye. Yes, it was due to the title and logline. Can't say I liked the title, but it was partly why I decided to read it so maybe it does work after all...

I had a few problems with this story.

I found the writing/format itself to be fine. The shortcomings are in the story and characters.

As far as the characters go, I found them both to be very unsympathetic. Especially Marie. I am a woman and I have a few women friends. Some are high class and some are NOT! The point is, even the ones that are NOT classy do not speak like Marie does. Marie comes across as VERY unattractive and classless. In fact I think most women would be offended by her....

I also didn't care for the guy. Not that he was that bad. He just lacked character altogether. This adds up to me not caring for either of the characters, which translates to me not caring about this "film".

Adding to this, I didn't really find a story here either. Also don't know where you pictured this taking place. I think in the US any business is required by law to have restroom facilities...

Some of the dialogue seemed very forced too.

All in all, I think your writing and format is okay. You just need to write a more compelling story with characters that we can feel something for or identify with, even if it is intended as comedy.

Good luck,

Pia