Fairy Land Jubilee by Cindy L. Keller - Short - 4 page anime for children of all ages.  Light, magic, and fun are created out of darkness. - pdf, format 8)

This one is a little weird, Cindy.  I am worried there might be a little too much "happy dust" floating around -- either in the script or in your house haha.

There is some nice imagery, and a very lighthearted tone, but is there a story in there somewhere?

I looked twice, but this piece seems as airy and ethereal as a haiku.

As for comments, I suppose I might cut the narrator's lines by at least half.  Sometimes he seems a bit obtrusive, repeating what we can otherwise see for ourselves.

I guess I have to say I like the dark stuff from you better haha.  Probably no surprise there.  What inspired this one, if I might ask?

Hey Cindy,

This took a little longer to read than the 4 pages would suggest. Not that it's overly complex or anything, I guess the V.O.s dragged it out a bit (it was very repetitive of the action, but since this is meant to be for kids then I can't understand why you would do that).

The writing is good and visual.

I guess my main problem with this script is that nothing really happens. Sure, a lot of things happen - but there's no crisis.

Cheers
Rob

Hi Cindy,

I have to agree with Bert and Rob the imagery is definitely there in the script. You're descriptions are really good.

I also agree with them that's nothing really happening. There's no conflict or crisis that's endagering this magical land!

Robert

Hey bert, Rob, and Robert  
Wow 3 Roberts ;D


Thanks for giving this one a read.
Bert, you and some of the others here know I'm wierd. I like saying or doing things every now and then to make people say "what?"
Happy dust? Not at all. Lack of cigarettes - maybe.  :)
3 months now and not one puff  ;D

I wrote this "poem" for my granddaughter.
I just found the site http://www.scripped.com where they have free screenwriting software, I wanted to write, and being I had quit smoking and lost the ability to think  :), well, I thought I'd write this out as a script as sort of a practice until I get an idea.

After writing it out as a script, I see the redundancies, and the lack of conflict.

Thanks again for reading,
Cindy

This script read like the opening scene to something.  There was no story, just the introduction to a wonderful and magical place.


Phil

Hey Cindy,

Read through this, and I agree that it seems kind of like the opening to something more.  In regards to the Narrator, I can see where people are coming from, but I'd like to offer an alternative suggestion...

Why not make the Narrator's lines rhyme?  I think it would give the piece an added zing and would definitely fall in with the theme.

Nothing much else I can say besides that.  Just thought it was worth putting out there.

Quoted from dogglebe the introduction to a wonderful and magical place.

Probably the best comment I've ever read. I think all of us should strive to be able to create "a wonderful and magical place". Maybe not literally magical, but have that same sense.

I can't wait to read this tomorrow.

(Please don't delete this because I really am!)

Hey Phil,
Thanks for giving this one a read.
After thinking about it, I believe I can find this one a story to finish it off properly.  :) Adding giants and trolls.  ;D
I'll be working on it.

Mike,
The narrator is reading my poem. This poem has been published on-line a few different places as well as Skyline Magazine. Most recent is at http://www.sixsenses.ca/index.php/fairytales

ABSteel,
I hope you like what you read.

Cindy

Alright.

There are certain scene descriptions that have the "ya think?" feel to them. For example:

Stardust drops from the stars,
falls down to her, dusting her.

I would assume the stardust comes from stars, and that it dusts people.... because its stardust. In other words, try to pep up the action lines a bit more; I've felt that a thesaurus is always a great tool to have in close proximity to my computer.

Rob and Bert both say that the imagery is good. However, I still find that you have alot of room to elaborate. And perhaps I'm looking at it oddly, but I found the Narrator's repeating what we see to be unnecessary and even a little bit annoying.

And thirdly, I'm not sure that there is a story here. Not yet anyway. With no conflict, no dialogue, and no solid plotline, I'm confused as to why anyone would want to produce this. Even kids want more than "bullfrogs singing bass."

EDIT: I just discovered that this is your poem. Just remember though, when you put something to film and/or animation, you may have to modify certain aspects of it. If you aren't for changing anything about this script, then perhaps your poem doesn't belong in screenplay form. Some books should stay books, and some poems should remain as poems, without any adaptation considered.

Best of luck, I can't wait to read your other work.

Not a fan of this one. There are way too many repetitions. There is no story here. You also mention the sound of a horses neighing, but then we see a unicorn? These are not the same even though they look similar. I think even a child, who is the audience of this piece, would be like "What???" Just my two cents of course.

For me, personally, what's awkward is the word choice in the beginning. I think it could be better if maybe something is phrased or sentences are structered differently. I mean it's obvious your a talented writer.

No story, so crises, just these beautiful things going on. It does seem like an opener to a longer story. I say keep what it is and later on write a kids feature.

As a short story.. doesn't work.
As something potentially greater...theres plenty of possibility.

I do want to know what inspired this though? I'm very curious.

Hey Dr. McPhearson,
Thanks for giving this one a read. It was just a practice writing script for me. I've decided to go ahead with this script and finish it.

Hey pants,
Thanks for giving this a read. I am well aware that a horse and a unicorn are not the same thing. Maybe I should have said SNORTING and NEIGHING O.S.  :)


Hey BryMo,
Thanks for giving this a read. I don't know about a feature, but it will probably be around 30 pages when it is finished.
I wrote this for my granddaughter. Kids grow up too quick anymore. I think they should remain kids for as long as they can.
She is 12 now, and writing her own stories.  ;D

Cindy