Solace by Katrina Rodriguez - Thriller, Supernatural  - Bound, gagged and blindfolded, a group of teens is spirited away in the middle of the night and taken to Serenity Camp, a youth behavior modification facility deep in the woods. They're locked away in dog kennels, beaten, starved and humiliated. Mail is censored and they're completely cut off from the rest of the world. Some who came before them have died; the result of discipline that got out of hand, or in some cases even suicide. Rumors travel through the camp. Just a few months earlier a girl reportedly hanged herself. But that's just a rumor. Only the dead girl and her murderer know the truth and the dead don't talk... unless they find someone who can hear them. 95 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey, Katrina


  Wasn’t this script easy on the eyes? Not too long ago I reviewed a script where most of the criticism I gave came from the script not have things I thought no script could do without, while I’m pleased to see them all over in your story, I’m most satisfied with how easy on the eye this was: not only crisp and concise narrative but also, thanks heaven, small blocks of narrative. I read somewhere that narrative shouldn’t exceed over four lines; otherwise you’re likely not getting to the point. Seeing it is a rare occasion.


  But this praise leads me to my first criticism in your logline. The log line should be short and crisp. When think back on your overall story, to me, there appears to be a lack of plot. Don’t get me wrong I think there’s plenty going on. I think the long log line divulges too much detail, detail that serves better as a being texture to the story. The log line is suppose to be a tool of intrigue, after reading it I should my imagination should get ahead of itself, but you already tell us about how their treated in the log line, and that’s a big part of the plot.
  There’s that and the ghost story, which you also mention in the logline. Also when I think back to your script, I thought I know what the goals is to find out who? What? Where? When? Why? How? About this girl, but it takes to long for it too establish itself as the goal, also Andrea never says that that’s the goal, “to find out what happened and who killed her” till like the last part of the story.

I know time has to be spent, because this also horror genre, with the main character being attacked by the ghost, loved the shower sequence, but I think Andrea needs to be more active in her search. If it weren’t for here supporting casts, her story would of felt more drawn out. I guess there’s a criticism and compliment in that. Andre wasn’t proactive, but strong casts of characters.


Continued...

  I thought you did a great job in how you brought the group together. One thing I would of liked is if when Harris reading of their record and gets to Andrea that he stops, and says, “strange” as if that was the top complaint about her. Then when he gets in her face he says, how she’s the worse of them all because she’s a waist of time. I think that’s big blow to someone with her character like, you may think that you don’t belong with these kids, they’re bad, but you’re worse than them because you don’t even matter. Oh, to go back for moment I don’t get how the cops could send, damn it, only black guy and I cant remember his name, the black kid to that place. I’m like more people that know about a place like that the less I believe that they could actually get away with that kind of treatment.


  Another thing I have to go back to is how easy you’re narrative was on the eyes, but also your dialogue too. There you got the sense of whom everyone was. But the thing I love most that either isn’t done at all, or isn’t done right, which I prefer than not at all is characters that don’t say exactly what they mean, they use some form of figure of speech, Jessie did this a lot. It makes them feel real like you can see the wheels turning in their head because the person their talking to has to be quick enough to know what that persons talking about to respond. Good use of subtext. You know it’s a good piece of dialogue if you can’t remember exactly what was said but you got the tone/feeling of the speaker across.


  What also makes you’re characters good is that they all have weaknesses that’s holding them back from a better life, they all have psychological and moral needs. Though this was established its wasn’t really puzzled over by the characters I mean sure the camp was hell, but the fact also remains that these are bad kids. I mean sure the black kid escapes but is he better off now I’m not saying the characters have to change for the better, or what I think for the better is, but I would like to see them talk a little bit about what they think of not only their actions, but that of fellow campers. This is also a great way to create conflict, and get the audience thinking about right and wrong. I mean even if the black kid doesn’t change for the better the overall theme could be that corporeal punishment isn’t the answer for rehabilitation. I’m not saying you have to make this a huge part of the script, because again the script reads so well that you can’t help but say it’s good, but I think this would push the story further buying reaching a little deeper for something deeper.


  I’m typing a lot. Hmmm. I also liked the build of what it is exactly that Andrea can do. The ending were every flicks of Harris. How Jessie doesn’t get into that truck. Wait a second, maybe that’s a change right there, I mean she still is a runaway but not a reckless one if that makes sense, but again that’s only because she was warned by a medium. The question is has Jessie grown in that she knows better than to ride from strangers because it’s dangerous.


Your story reminded me of, Gothika with Halle Berry & Robert Downey Jr. I want you to take a look at their log line.

·     Tagline: Because someone is dead doesn't mean they're gone.

·     Premise: Ghost story in which a repressed female psychiatrist wakes up as a patient in the very asylum where she worked with no memory of why she is there and what she has done.


Now, if you’ve seen the movie you’ll see how much of the plot and tone was left out, yet the premise is intriguing and the by story’s end holds true.


So, great job. Is this you’re first feature. I usually stay in the horror section this is the first thriller I’ve read in awhile. BTW this could have been in the horror section.

Yours is the best unproduced acript of the day I've read.

This said, there are a number of things that I'd done differently.

I'd use less words in the descriptions.
Also, since you have less than 100 pages writen, I'd make it longer. Don't forget what they say: screenplays are writen vertically.

I'd like to recomend another proofreading to fix some small things as the "Brain" instead "Brian" on p. 9; the P.O.V.'s that need to RETURN TO SCENE; I'd switch the second and thrid paragraphs of INT. RUNDOWN CABIN in p. 84; and espacially be more descriptive in INT. CABIN p. 75 -- I get what you mean, but it is not so much about me getting it, as it is you giving it.

Congratulations. I hope you are happy. And much success!