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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Scripts  /  Black Shadow
Posted by: Don, July 3rd, 2008, 5:42pm
Black Shadow by John Navas (luzalma) - Short - Haunted by recurrent nightmares of the brutal murder of his wife, a detective sets out to capture the killer and put an end to his nightmares. 17 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: n7 (Guest), July 4th, 2008, 12:26am; Reply: 1
John,
you had a lot of things that we're promising with this story, but a few things took me out of the script.
I'd suggest switching character names, Mario and Miguel blend together.  A lot of the dialogue is on the spot, maybe a little subtext would help? Don't capitalize your dialogue, not good.
pg 8 "mario looks frustrated" He knows he cannot stop Miguel from pursuing this case. it all reads a bit CSI. This falls into the category of "un-filmable" Show us their character traits instead.
Not to be harsh, your story is really solid and is entertaining, the execution just needs a little fine tuning. Good work!
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