Damned Yankee by Cindy L. Keller - Short, Horror - A country singer breaks down in a town where music is not allowed. 26 pages Sixth place winner 2007 at American Gem - pdf, format 8)

I liked this script. The descriptions were good and the concept was great.

Couple of suggestions.

I think George was too easily subdued by Phil. Maybe have Phil knock George out with a bottle of whiskey before pulling out the clippers.

I also would've liked to see Phil's death described in more detail. Phil's screams turn to gurgles amid the sounds of tearing flesh.

On page three I noticed TRUCK should've been TRUNK.

Otherwise I enjoyed the read.

Keith

Hey Keith,

Thank you for giving this one a read. :-)
I'm not sure about the whiskey bottle though. George was in shock, shaken, that's how Phil got him :-)
I agree with Phil's death. I could make it more gruesome.
Truck and trunk. Ahhh!
Darned typeo's. I thought I had taken care of all of them.

Thanks again for reading. Glad you liked it.
Cindy

What a fresh take on an old saying! I really enjoyed this and have very little to say in the way of a critique.

I’d like to say you do a great job at directing the camera—and subsequently what the reader and viewer sees—without explicitly saying “We see.” (Except for one or two times, but it wasn’t distracting.)

Your writing is so tight and concise—how every screenplay should be written, regardless of style.

You did a great job of creating and building tension throughout the script. I loved the dead birds, very creepy.

Of course, I knew where the script was going, as Phil hinted at “waking the dead” a couple times. This didn’t stop me from enjoying. In fact, it may have kept my interest all the more.

Just a little touch, but I thought it would be interesting if, in the opening scene, George is jamming to some music only to have it die out upon crossing into Songless. Or would that be too blatant a way of foreshadowing?

A couple small things: George’s dialogue at the end of page 15 should end in periods. I’m sure you’re aware of this, just thought you’d like to fix it.  

as a current entrant into american gem, i was very interested in reading a previous winner.  the story grabs you right away, and i like your style, like the way you quickly describe action (like: George lifts the phone up into the air and moves it around, then glances at it again.)  you don't explain that his cell phone isnt working because it's obvious.  as far as the story, i'd say you it looks like you are pretty much done.  i was more interested in the human story at the beginning because i'm not a big horror/zombie fan, but that's just a personal preference.  it works in the story as it is and is set up so it didn't come from nowhere.  as far as phil's death, i actually preferred it that way.  it got to the point and we do see him collapse and we know what happens.  i'm not sure if i'd really want to see his head get ripped off or something like that (again though, i am not a horror person).  the only thing that i found a little odd, and this might be nitpicky, is why did Phil assume that George would stay (by increasing the population by 1)?  i might have missed something, but after what had happened to george, i doubt he would have wanted to stay  

Hey Handle,

Wow, I finally got to this site today. The last few days all I kept getting a search engine.

Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. :-)

I did have music on the radio in an earlier draft. I thought the static would be a little something that would be overlooked in the beginning, then be remembered and make sense at the end. That's why I changed it.

I'm glad you liked it.

Cindy


Hey dkw208

Thanks for giving this one a read.
I don't like a lot of blood and guts either. That's why when I write horror it is more of a 60s horror.
I'm glad you liked it.

So you entered their contest this year?
I did too, but I missed their e-mail the end of June.
Did you get one from them?  
Cindy

  Symbolism isn’t unique to horror stories, but the genre lends itself to symbolism unlike many other forms because there’s not much depth in them. I think I would of enjoyed it more if there was another meaning with this band on music. I don’t know I just found the dialogue leading up to the action, not interesting. I do the narrative was written good with Phil grabbing hold of the guitar, the subtext with trying to keep George in his sites and as some else mention the cell phone. But while I’m waiting for whatever it is that’s going to happen what to be interested along the way. I think this is an inherent problem when you have a character like Phil, one with no insights that’s one of the quickest way to get to know someone, that and desires.

  I think that what Phil says, “these are working man’s hands” should have been in the beginning so we could talk about something interesting like job vs. dreams or what makes a good livelihood. And this doesn’t have to be like something that adds another ten – fifteen pages to your script. I think I like your writing more than this story. Sometimes I feel you didn’t give yourself much to work with because of the material, then other times it’s I don’t think you took advantage of some of the things there.


I remember my feelings about your “Halloween Games” I liked that more.


I do get the impression that this was revelation driven, and do like the things you did in that respect with the build, the hints and the reveal of the zombies.


So, thanks for the read. BLB

hey cindy,

i got an e-mail, but i think they posted it on their website as well:

http://www.filmmakers.com/contests/short/2008/win/index.htm

Busy Little Bee,

Thank you so much for giving this a read. :-)
I do understand where you were going, and you have me thinking about a new script now. :-)
I'm glad you liked Halloween Games. Not too many people have since the rewrite...


dkw208,

The script I entered didn't advance this time so I'm sending it in to Don to post here.
Best of luck to you with American Gem :-)

Cindy

Hi Cindy,

I happened to come across this one yesterday, and just got around to reading it today.  What a terrific read.  I'm sorry to see that you haven't gotten more reads on this.  It may be 27 pages, but it reads more like 10.

I wish I had more to offer you in terms of a critique, but I have to be honest, and say that I really enjoyed it, and I'm not sure there is much that I would change.  I particularly liked George's little bit on why he loves music.  COuldn't help but see the parrallels (sp.) between that and writing.

Anyway, thanks again for a great read, and good luck.  You've made me feel bad about my writing so back to work for me.  Haha

Craig

Hi Craig,

Thanks for the read. I'm glad you liked it.

This is the script where A Song In My Heart came from. The characters just sort of said, Hey lady, you got your zombies, now we want to play different roles. The characters really wrote that script for me. I had the first draft done within a couple weeks.

Anyway, thanks again for the read.

Cindy