Love Karma by Alastar Séamas Ó Thurber (athurber) - Short, Suspense, Thriller - Zach is the average good-looking city guy who loves to go out to the clubs and party. Zach had recently broken up with a girl who was literally crazy for him. After a long night, Zach has no idea what happened, but the girl that he broke up with was in his room in a nightgown. What could have happened? Could he have met up with her after getting drunk and not remembered what happened the previous night? Maybe. Or maybe he soon finds out that this crazy girl has something else in store for him... Something that would leave him breathless. 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey
Sorry to be harsh. but your dialogue is so on the nose. I knew your script was in trouble  from page one when "women's voice" "WHISPERED!!!! wake up, wake up!, (with exclamation points) I have something to show you.  I could picture my girlfriend yelling in my ear to wake up while you instructed her to (whisper) it. From page one you come across as an amateur. I'm not trying to come across as a rule monger, but from pg 1 you broke the readers trust. Keep at it, the rest of your story was strong, but the early mistakes hurt.

Thank you for the feedback!
No harm done. When I was writing it I thought about the same thing for a second, but I was really going for a loud whisper or a harsh whisper... I guess I could have tried to explain that in the script.

This is my first screenplay formatted script, so I am still an amateur. I usually write really short comedy films (ones that last about 2 minutes or so), but this is my first time actually sitting down and writing an actual screenplay in what I think is the right format.