A Mother's Love by Stephen Brown - Short, Horror, Comedy - It's been a year since Steve's wife, Gemma, died. He's trying to move on with his life, but his 6 year old daughter has other ideas...so does Gemma. (Inspired by Chris Morris) 18 pages - pdf, format 8)

Thanks for putting this up Don.

All opinions and thoughts appreciated. It's a very dark comedy, hope at least one person likes it haha.

I will eventually be turning this into a feature, probably taking away the humour.

(It's very loosely based on a 'Jam' episode called 'The Fix-It girl'. For those who know Chris Morris and that perticular show.)

Anyone offended easily and children may want to avoid...actually no, go on give it a shot haha

Ste

I was going to read your alcohoic script but when I saw this I jumped at it.

First up I must be becoming very desensitised as this script was not offensive at all. It's been done a dozen times before with the tortureporn craze the last couple of years and some of the scripts here. (James scripts spring to mind. Good stuff.)

As for the script itself why do you doubt it? It is an amazing script and I enjoyed every pages of it.

The little girl is the hight light of the script and how she calmly gives her father grusome instructions on how to despose of his dead girlfriend is priceless.  


"My seven year old daughter killed my girlfriend" is one of the most funniest lines I have ever read in a script and with in the context of the story makes it all the more funny. Good luck trying to explain that one to the cops.

Okay fair enough the basic idea for your story requires a lot of suspension of disbeliefe and has a lot of holes in it. (Wouldn't Tanya's family and workmates and friends notice her missing and her boyrfriend would be the first suspect?)

But the concept is so well written and so enjoyable I am willing to overlook details like that and I hope everyone else who reads it will do the same.

  

Thanks for the read Tonka

What I was most worried about was people not seeing it as a comedy. If people don't find it funny then I guess it would come across pretty sick haha. For instance, I was worried about this line -
    
     Steve’s shoulders sink, Louise breaks his grasp. She spits
     on Tanya’s face.

haha I imagine some people finding that pretty offensive.

I was playing around with the title for a while with this - originally was called 'BBQ of Love' haha, before my mates ridiculed me for that. One of the alternatives was going to be 'Suspension of Disbelief'. So yeah, you're spot on that you need plenty of that.

Ste

Hey Ste, how you find time for work is beyond me with all the scripts you write lol.

Anyway firstly I'd like to say that I love Steve's confidence that he isn't lost, just like every man does...then it's straight to tradegy.

Louise's reaction to Steve's comments about Tanya seemed a bit off.  She smashed the photo she was lovingly kissing moments earlier?

Louise 'We've got to chop her up'.  She's an evil child...I like her.

It's all very disturbing but I'm not sure how much of a body you'd get in a bucket?  Trust me you need a good sized wheelie bin...oh I've said too much lol.

Steve 'I've never fed a woman to my friends before'.  Another great line.

Steve's submissive behaviour to his 6 year old daughter is disturbing in itself, not to mention Louise's orders to her dad on how to dispose of Gemma's body.

This was a great story and my only small niggle is with Louise.  She just comes across as been a little older than a 6 year old.  I know this gives it a more disturbing feel but I think even a 10 year old would work and the telephone calls a nd such would be more realistic.  This doesn't really distract from the chills you've created in this tale.  I loved it and it gave me the creeps.  Really good story Ste.

The job I do means I have a lot of time to sit around, listen to music and think up crazy ideas like this Alffy lol.

The bit with Louise smashing the photo is supposed to show how she can just snap and even something she loves, she'll destroy. She also doesn't believe that that is her fault, just like her main crime.

I hear what you're saying about the age, but it isn't really supposed to be realistic. I think if she was older, Steve would be more likely to go through with calling the police. 6 (even though, due to revisions I had her saying she was 7 twice) means that no policeman in the world would believe Steve's story.

A twist I was thinking of was making Louise die in the car crash and Steve has actually acted alone. Kind of like Psycho, only with his daughter rather than his Mom. Maybe go down that line for the feature version.

Thanks for checking it out.

Ste

Quoted from stebrown A twist I was thinking of was making Louise die in the car crash and Steve has actually acted alone. Kind of like Psycho, only with his daughter rather than his Mom. Maybe go down that line for the feature version.

That's what I thought was gonna happen, I think it would be a good alternative.  The way it plays out now though is fine.

I remember this. It looked familiar. I can't recall the earlier draft I read, but you'll need to still explain how a 6 year old child can and plan all this out. You give a answer in the form of the mother's voice as a v.o and when Lousie says its the mother, but don't continue it throughout. You say that it was the mom, but don't actually show it when it's requried to support that conclusion. Add a few bits during the murder and coverup since that's where the mother is needed. This tale reminds me of King's story Blaze or even Psycho, it just lacks the other character's presence.      

Hope this helps,
Gabe  

Cheers Gabe

Yeah, as I've said above this will be getting extended into a feature, so I'm looking to see what direction I should take it in. I think the 'Psycho' theme may be the way I go -- just trying to work out whether losing the humour and making her a little older will work better.

As it is, part of the joke is the whole 'wtf?' when things start happening, because there is little to no foreshadowing of how she acts.

The only thing I added from the draft I sent you was the car crash at the start.

Ste

Hey Ste

just started reading it...

To me it looks good till now... i will put my thoughts when i'm finished with it.

Cheers

OK sorry for making you wait for the review, but now I'm finished.

This was a pretty gruesome script. So much meat and blood. I have to admit the beginning of the script was good till the thing happened...

SPOILERS!!!

Here's my review:

Lousie is so evil, it reminded me of young Michael Myers, and of the Frailty. But something is not right in my opinion.
The way Lousie acts, speaks, thinks, is too devilish for a 7 year old girl, it doesn't convince me. If she would have been possessed by some devil spirit i could believe it, but like this it's too made-up...

Steve, there are times i don't understand him. Why the hell does he have to do what Lousie tells him to do, i mean he's in his 30's he can have control himself better than his daughter. It looked like Lousie had brainwashed his mind to do what she said.

I've read your other scripts and their better then this. Sorry Stephen but this what i think, don't take it personally.

Also on page 9 you have:

He dials 999. Shouldn't this be, "He dials 911"?

On page 10:

LOUSIE: Come on daddy, it’s just like being
a butcher. Just think of her as a
cow.

Steve looks up at Louise, saliva hangs from his lips. He
LAUGHS.

STEVE
I’m not a butcher though.
LOUISE
(whining)
Pretend.

This doesn't ring me true. As i said Steve does what his daughter orders to him. Plus why does he have to laugh while
he's cutting Tanya??? He should be in shock, he should be hysterical, you should go more deeply into the characters,
i mean would a man laugh while sawing a woman, i don't think so!

Hope i wasn't too harsh on this, but as i said before i've read some really great scripts from you, this isn't one
of them.

Cheers
Erenik

Hi Nik, thanks for taking a look.

First off I'm from England (we call 999, not 911).

This is supposed to be a very subversive script, where Steve has kind of gone inside himself through the shock. As Louise seems to know what she's doing, she takes control and Steve lets her.

I expected the majority of people not to like this, so I'm surprised it's kind of 50/50 so far.

Thanks for your thoughts, I'll bare them in mind when it comes to writing the feature.

Ste

Quoted from stebrown First off I'm from England (we call 999, not 911).

My bad, i didn't know that. Sorry!

Quoted from stebrown As Louise seems to know what she's doing, she takes control and Steve lets her.

I don't know about the other who read the script, but what you said, that's what doesn't work for me. I can't imagine a 7-year old girl to that wise and devilish because she acts like she's possessed or like is 17 (even for this age is a bit difficult). And through the script after the first scene, i don't see the death of the mother as a motive for Lousie to act like that, she makes it more of an excuse.

Looking forward to more scripts from you.

Cheers

Hey Steve,

I'm not sure what I though of this.

The descriptions in the first section were great. Everything was very easy to visualise.

SPOILERS

I thought the whole first part up until the murder was very good. It was quite a sad and realistic situation. I liked the actual murder scene aswell, it was very shocking! After that I felt it started to go downhill.

I thought the way Steve let the daughter push him around was what let it down. It felt a bit to ridiclous. I doubt anyone would follow their seven year old child in such a situation. She also seemed way beyond her years. I got the idea that she was possessed by her mother or something. I would've liked to see you expand on this a bit more.

I didn't really see the humour in the script up until the bbq scene. I felt that this was were it became so sick it was funny. The head in the fish tank was a nice ending.

I'm not sure this worked as a comedy. I think you need to add some more ridiculous gory details to make it funny. It's always the dumb small things that crack me up with gory humour e.g. someone slipping over on blood. Blood spurting into someones eye. Someone coming across a chewy bit in their burger.

Good work.

Thanks man.

Yeah, the Mother angle I'm going to look more into when writing the feature.

As far as the comedy stuff goes, it's difficult to explain what I was going for. 'Jam' by Chris Morris is a very original type of comedy. It pushes the boundaries and makes you ask yourself what comedy actually is. I wasn't really going for slapstick. Anyone interested, the series is available on the usual online stores (some on youtube, but not the part this is based on).

Nobody has commented on the Apocolypse Now parody at the end?

Thanks again mate

Ste

I'll chcek out Jam on youtube. The script did remind me a bit of Very Bad Things which I thought was hilarious.

Hi Steve
Just finished A Mothers Love and I have to say I didn't care for it. While your writing was skillful and the dialouge good I just found the characters unbelievable. Louise seems to sadistic and wise for a girl of her age. Perhaps some background into some tragedy that occured prior would help. I found Steve to be a weak man even in the face of his loss. He boardered on retarded to me. While I don't mind suspending disbelief I as the reader/watcher would appreciate a little help in the suspension. This could possibly work as a feature with more room to create a good back story for Louise and maybe make her a little more older. I like your dialouge a lot and look forward to future projects.

Cheers Nick

The car crash and losing her mother was supposed to be the trauma. Steve is supposed to a little thick, retarded's a bit strong lol, he's a decent guy deep down.

You hear of child geniuses, I guess Louise is one too but in a very particular field lol. I understand what you mean by the suspension of disbelief though and will look into that for the feature. I imagine it will be an entirely different script.

Pleased you liked my writing and dialogue though.

Ste

Ste,

Just got done with this, I thought overall It was quite good.

The thing I enjoyed most about this was your actual writing, to be honest I probably enjoyed it more than the story itself. Your descriptions and dialogue were great in this!

haha Louise is some little girl! While, I found it quite funny how evil and calculated she was, I still found it hard to believe that a little girl could behave in this way, without dropping any kind of hints that she is insane.(Maybe you could add a couple of flashbacks from over the course of the year following the accident, which could show her building up to being this way!?)

Also, maybe it would be better if Louise was a couple of years older, then I think it becomes easier to believe that maybe a 10 year old would be more resentful and possibly act in this way. For me anyway haha!

Other than that, I really didn't have any problem with this at all. It was a quick and funny read!

Robert

Cheers for checking it out Robert.

Yeah, I didn't really make it very believable haha but that was deliberate. As said above, this is another one that is going into the 'expand into feature' pile and it will most likely be a very different script.

Pleased you liked the writing and dialogue.

Ste

Hey Ste,

Just read this script and thought it was great.  I thought the beginning was slow and the ending strong.  Very enjoyable.  If you're going to do this as a feature as you said up top.  Keep the humour by all means.  It's the strongest part.  And I see a little of Chris Morris in you.

After watching a Chris Morris comedy in the UK, I think we're all desensitised to the extremes that life throws at us.  Alot more than the rest of the world.

I will have to look up my Jam DVD and hunt out that sketch you mention.  I always remembered the doctor sketches the parent sketch the most.

My only qualm would be the name of the script.

All the best and keep up the good work.


Javier

Quoted from jayrex After watching a Chris Morris comedy in the UK, I think we're all desensitised to the extremes that life throws at us.  Alot more than the rest of the world. I will have to look up my Jam DVD and hunt out that sketch you mention.  I always remembered the doctor sketches the parent sketch the most. My only qualm would be the name of the script.

Morris is a genius man. What he did with The Day Today and Brass Eye was just show up the media and these media/attention grabbing celebrities for what they really are. People who will say and do anything just to look good in front of a camera. The amount of people who sued or threatened to sue shows that up lol.

Jam is genius at a whole other level haha.

There's a short movie that's worth checking out by him, if you haven't seen it already. http://www.boomkat.com/item.cfm?id=9801

Anyways, pleased you enjoyed it and yeah the title is unreally bad, but you should have seen the earlier ideas for it. Titles aren't my bag!