Postman Pete by Tyler Higgins (higgonator) - (Prickly Ash) - Short, Drama - George is sick and tired of being Postman Pete and everyone else is sick and tired of Postman Pete being George.  - rtf, format 8)

This story has good pace, it’s engaging, and it really makes good use of the required dialog. It is also structured well and I enjoyed reading it.

Not using a standard screenplay format via using a screenwriting program holds it back. There are free programs on the internet to sort that out.

The overall story of the unhappy actor feels familiar so maybe you could have done something else with it to surprise people.

My biggest nit pick with this would be that in a live show that Teenage actress doing her own stunts must be spectacular!

Funny. Very original in that you used the phrase alot on a tv show. I liked the dialogue between George and the couple.

However, the formating for the dialgoue is wrong. And at the end you put Bills apartment rather than George.

But overall, nice tale.

Gabe

You know what? l liked this. I thought it was a good concealed commentary on the sad state of television and typical North American apathy.

Good on you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, now let's get to the craft...

You need to work with formatting. Pages need to be numbered. Give yourself a title page.

Tighten your work for script. Change this:

>Before a live audience and three cameras a stage is set up to look like a front hall/den area.  There is a front door, a staircase, and the den area has a T.V. and a couch.

To something like:

A live audience watches the filming of "The Horrible Life of Stacy" where the stage is set:

Typical sitcom: staircase, room for TV watching...

If you need to be more clear, do it, but be as precise as you can with as few words as possible.

Pay attention to clunkiness like "a front hall/den area. Try words like: foyer, or porch or  crowded-with-shoes bungalow-landing. Again, be as precise as you feel you need to be.

Here are some notes I made through the read:

You have Christine's name and her dialogue cut off between pages. Work with formatting when you have done as much revising and editing possible. Don't worry about it in the early stages, but when you consider it finished, then pay attention to this.

>EXT. BUSY L.A. STREET--DAY

George tried to ignore the couple but they follow him.

What happened here?

The couple? Who are they? There hasn't been any introduction.

Also, note:

>George tried...

Use present tense in scripts.
>
George [ponds] his [arms] back down on the desk.

Typo and poor word choice. Instead of arms, I think you want fists. You may want arms though. If you do, show that you mean "arms" somehow.

Note:

Girl from couple. Guy from couple.

I would change their titles to something more cinematic-- anything that helps with your vision of the people. Like:

Drunk-as-a-skunk Bob or Whiny William or Plain Jane or simply: Joe.

If you are using simply a name, try using something with a bit of a stereotype to help identify the character even if they have a small part. Like: Helga (not too pretty, probably big) or Penelope (born rich with a silver spoon - married to a sugar daddy).

Don't take this advice too far. And remember that sometimes you want a character-- a GUY with the name Kelly, who is as tough as nails, just as tough as a guy named Crusher.

>flies through the air and grabs the chandelier, hanging from it.

This sentence is a little boo-boo. [hanging from it] points to: hanging from the [air] in this case.

Again with the tightening. Notice:

Just then the door opens...

If you build the context around the important incident, you won't always need "suddenly" or "just then".

Try using reactionary shots that let us know something is coming. For instance:

Bob holds the pie, ready to throw it.

Linda smiles a "you wouldn't dare"!

Fawoosh! The pie flies!

In this case, "Fawoosh replaces "just then". The idea is to try and keep that "old school rule" about showing and not telling.

I'm sorry, tonight my brain already feels dead, there is a word I'm looking for right now to describe when a person is easily dispensable-- as in the case with Postman Pete. He's easily replaced with "Milkman Mike".

This is a good commentary on the way she goes. Let me know if you can think of the word which means "easily replaced". It's not dispensable, I was thinking of something else.

One thing I'll mention before I wrap this thing up, is that I would make Postman Pete more likeable in this case. That way, when he's replace, we feel some sympathy for him. Or not. But if not, maybe we could be left with something that makes us feel like: "Good! He got his just desserts!'

Anyways, I think that this was a good one. Do the tweak-tweak double triple tweak and I think this will be excellent.

Sandra

I'll keep this one brief.  Tough to follow a Sandra review; she does such a detailed job.

Really liked the concept.  One of my favorite takes on using the required "challenge line".  Very quick read and a unique simple story.

A couple of observations:

- the action line "George continues to angrily pace and talk about how much he thinks his life sucks." is unnecessary.  We know what he is talking about.  It's right there in the dialogue.

- Only other small complaint is I would have liked to know a little more about George.  What are his real ambitions?  Is he trying to be a real actor but no one will take him seriously because of this stupid role?  Maybe a small scene where he reads for another role but the casting guy just cracks some 'Postman Pete' joke.  Or maybe he goes on a blind date and the woman can't stop talking about the 'Stacy' show.
Think it works the way you've written it but might be just a bit more interesting with more of these different situations instead of just some random people ragging on him around town.

- "The Horrible Life of Postman Pete" would have been an awesome title. Just something I thought of while writing this review.  (ps I didn't take much time with my own title... thats why it really sucks)

Peace out my friend.
  

I'm not sure I'd call this script a drama, more like a comedy that pokes fun at the redundancies of American sitcoms, as well as the required line for the OWC.

Also, the ending seemed a little unclear. I wasn't sure whether George was happy he was replaced, regretting his decision, or maybe it was just an ironic comment on his character (and Americans in general) as he sat on the couch and watched the very sitcom he complained was so terrible.

As someone above stated, I would add another confrontation with someone that would make his true feelings a little more clear.

I quite liked this but have one major problem with it;

In England there is a program called 'Extras' with Ricky Gervais in. In the last series he got a part in a show within the show where he hated his catchphrase in a bland, unfunny sitcom. I saw far too many similarities in your script -- not saying this was deliberate but it just kinda spoilt my thoughts on it.

Writing was good and it was an enjoyable read -- I'll be interested to see if you've seen Extras before though.

Ste

Oh! I liked this one.  It was rushed, it had its share of typos, and it could use a bit of restructuring but I had a good laugh.  There wasn't a huge amount of drama in it but I think it had enough to qualify.  Nice use of the line.

I like this. It's like a parody that doesn't try to be funny but ends up being it anyway. I think the writing and structure is really good, I especially liked how it flipped back and forth from time frame to time frame. I was a little confused by the end though, is George at Bill's apartment or on TV or what?

Very clever take on the theme...Swings way closer to Comedy than Drama, though It was good comedy...

Minor nitpick- CHRISTINE STARR should be caps...

The convention of Teen Actor/Actress gets a little a confusing...Might just call them Stacy and Bobby (or whatever the boy's name is), espeically since they don't appear in other parts of the script...The same goes with the cute couple (also Capitalize thier introduction)... Might be easier if they had names, too-since they are recurring characters.

Not a lot of depth to George...why is he unhappy? He's on the road to kitsch kingdom with more money, endoresments and so on...Because he wants to do artistic drama I don't think is strong enough motivation to step off the money train at this point...

He takes out his frustration by being nasty to people who recognize him. Morelikely he'd be thrilled that his years of hard work are finally paying off with some fame and fortune...As it is, he's not very likable and comes off like a selfish grump...

Still, funny little short, and get ready to pitch "The Horrible Life of Stacy"...

You know, the writing is good here. There was a format issue i think with the dialogue but that could be cleared up easily.

But iwasn't too sure about George. I'd think he'd be happy to be on his way. This wasn't much of a drama but there were def hints in there so no big deal. Liked the use of the required line too. I say you did a good job but i kind of want more from George...more than a mR. grumpy man.

Good job though.

I think I enjoyed this one the most so far. I started laughing at a lot of the scenes, even though the challenged called for a drama, not a comedy, but I guess it was dramatic at the end. But still, this was one funny script. I love random things happening to people for no reason, so I loved the Stacy show. Especially when she burst into flames.

And I liked the Fuck You sequence too. I thought it seemed cool the way I imagined it.

Good job

Sean

Sorry I'm responding so late, I've been extremely busy with college orientation and work and saying goodbye to everyone, and I wanted to read a few more OWC entries before I responded to my comments, but now here I go.

The formats a little off because I wrote it before I had MS word on my new laptop and so I wrote it in "Text Edit" which is basically like a notepad, so it was a little hard to format.  If any of you were talking about a different formatting issue, let me know, I'm always trying to acquaint myself with more of the strange laws that are formatting.

As for the confusion at the end, as to where george is in Bills apartment, I just mixed up the names.  George is supposed to be all alone in his own apartment. Sorry for that.

The other main comment you guys had was that George didn't really get that developed and his motives and distatse for being postman Pete never really became clear.  I actually was going to have one of the scenes Moroh thought I should put in--where he's auditioning for a different role, But I just got really into the structure of the three scenes seperated by clips of  "The Horrible Life of Stacy" and ending with three fuck you's, that I could'nt really figure out where to put it.

But I was going for that he thought he was "above" the postman Pete role and wanted to do more artsy things--basically one of those people who are never happy with what they have.  The ending scene was just supposed to show the consequences for that bitter attitude.

Oh, and Stebrown, no.  I've never seen the extra's  I really was not a fan of the british office so i never tried it..  

higgonaitor,
have you ever tried to use "celtx"?? I have final driaft 7 on my laptop an actually use celtx more...it's free...the only catch is that to convert something to pdf you have to be online...

peace,
dave "slapshot"

N, I've never used celtx.  I've actually never used any scriptwriting software.  Usually I use MS word and no one complains about my formatting, I think this was just because I was using text edit which is really the bare minimum as far as word processors go.

Quoted from Higgonaitor Oh, and Stebrown, no.  I've never seen the extra's  I really was not a fan of the british office so i never tried it..

That's cool mate. In that case I really liked it.