It Makes You Wonder by Grant Cameron - Short - Through the eyes of a Grandson and his parents, they witness first hand, the mental disease Alzheimer's. 19 pages - pdf, format 8)

Wow, this was up quick.

Just to let everyone know, ive never written a short before and this was merely an experiment for me.

I wrote this based on reality as my gran suffers from Alzheimers and the character of the old woman with the disease is based on my gran and the grandson based on me.

Any critisism, good or bad, will be welcomed and i hope u enjoy the read.

Grant :)

First off, I’m very sorry to hear about your grandmother.

This is written fairly well, although it does need going over again. It’s got some potential but it also has some unnecessary material as well as missed opportunities. I was overall disappointed not in the potential but in the lack of development.

The scene at the grocery store was a throwaway scene. It was pointless. Christopher talks to Sarah but so what? Their exchange was frivolous and did nothing to move the story forward. It seemed to be there for no other reason than to pad between the first scene with Christopher and Gran and the next.

You need to either find a way to make the first scene lead to the doctor visit or find some significance for Sarah to have to the story. For example; if Sarah were closer to Christopher’s age - and say he had a crush on her - then there could be dramatic tension there. Then later, say for example, his hopes of going out with her were ruined by his having to care for his grandmother. We need to see the tragedy this disease wreaks. But Christopher is just picking up a few things and talking to an acquaintance for a moment. So what?

It’s the same with the scene in the waiting room. Except for Christopher’s look of concern, there was no reason for this scene. Doctors seldom directly call patients out of the waiting room. They may just as well be sitting in the examination room already.

There are some editing problems with the doctor’s dialogue. You need to go over that to make sure it’s clear. I seriously doubt a doctor would really use an expression such as, “…what we like to call…” Highly doubtful. Maybe, “…what’s called…” if even that.

Christopher is a wonderful teenager. Unfortunately, he’s too good to be true. Your hero needs flaws. Christopher has to get frustrated having to take care of his grandmother. Save for the scene where he expresses guilt (only with a facial expression that might not even be clear to an audience), Christopher is perfect in every way. His frustration needs to be expressed in both word and deed. This is supposed to be a film. Christopher has to do more than emote. He has to express his emotions with his behavior.

His grandmother’s condition doesn’t strain Christopher’s love life. It doesn’t strain any friendships. It doesn’t strain his relationship with his parents. Christopher goes through it like a real trooper.

Alzheimer’s is a heart wrenching illness. It rips people’s hearts out. It steals memories. It makes grandmother’s forget their grandchildren’s names. The strain of a loved one needing constant care pushes people to their limits. People buckle under that type of strain. Yet Christopher endures it like he’s found Nirvana. Where’s his agony? I didn’t feel it.

When my grandfather died slowly from Leukemia, he needed constant care. It tore me apart. I was in unfathomable anguish. When he started to deteriorate physically, there was tension between myself and some other family members over my refusal to go see him (I was a teenager). They felt I was being cold but the truth is I just couldn’t bear seeing him that way. I’d reached my limit. We had fights over it. Yet Christopher and his family are perfect in every way. You’re holding back. And it makes this script bland. It’s got heart behind it but not in it.

And finally, some technical things:

I don’t think you need the line about his school clothes. It sounds very awkward. You could end by simply mentioning the school bag on his back and let the clothes be inferred.

I’m going to tell you this and you can make of it what you will. Different strokes and all but you don’t need to notate beats. Story beats occur all throughout every story anyway and when you notate them, it really just comes off as random and arbitrary.

The voice over was totally out of nowhere and made the whole thing come off like a commercial or something. It does more harm than good.

It’s the same with the Alzheimer’s statistics super at the end. It’s also unnecessary and adds to a commercial feel.


Breanne


[EDIT -- As I sometimes do, a reread of my review makes me wonder (no pun toward the script title) if it isn’t too harsh. I think you made a good effort here. I just feel you held back emotionally and made your characters too perfect. Perhaps it was a protective instinct since this story is so personal. But it was a good effort and the script does have potential.]

Hey Breanne, thanks for the read.

Again, this was an experiment, ive never tried a short or written anything that deals with hard emotion.

I understand everything you've said and will take into consideration when i do the rewrite.

I just wanted to see everyones first thoughts on it and will take everything in when i rewrite it.

Again thanks for the read and i will read anything in return.

Hey Grant,

I edited my review at the end. I hope it didn’t come off as too harsh. I try to be a little gentler when someone’s trying something new. It was a good effort and it’s got potential. I just felt you were kind of protecting the characters.

Quoted from Shepard …i will read anything in return.

Don’t worry about it. I haven’t posted anything new here in a while. I like the idea or people just reading whatever they want from whatever author.


Breanne