Soulshadows - Reflection by Stephen Brown (stebrown) - Series, Short - Soulshadows is a weekly supernatural anthology series.  Join Tanis, each week, as she highlights an item from her collection – each one containing the shadow of a very special soul. The third episod asks, what price would you pay for fame and fortune? - pdf, format 8)

Pentagon?  Is that a UK thing?  Cause I'm used to it being called a Pentagram.

I have to say that I liked this story.  It actually reminded me of an epsiode of Night Gallery called "Make Me Laugh" that I caught on Hulu not too long ago.  If you're able to watch the episodes, I'd definitely recommend checking it out.  It's similar to your story, in that it's about a comedian who makes a deal for worldwide fame, with mixed results.  

Yours had a different angle with the Peter/Patrick angle, which I liked, but I have to admit being just a little confused over the ending.  Was he trapped in this wall of mirrors?  What was the significance of the painting with Sam?  Am I correct in assuming that he needs to find a "replacement" now?

Anyway, I do think you did a good job with this, which is good because I'm usually a little bit pickier when it comes to this type of horror, being that it's my favorite sub-genre.

Thanks for putting this up Don.

Pleased you liked it Mike. The pentagon thing is just what I thought it would be called, might be wrong though.

Yeah, I thought there would be a bit of confusion with Peter/Patrick. Basically he was going to end up the same way as Sam but at the last minute took the necklace off. In order to get his soul back he had to find a replacement - Sam. Sam didn't take the necklace off, so he is trapped in the pentagon. He doesn't need to find a replacement because he's dead and he's lost his soul -- it's kind of just showing that his soul is trapped.

The painting of Sam was to show that Patrick was helping to control Sam's downfall, it was also to show that Peter and Patrick are the same person. It was mainly for exposition of Patrick's character rather than Sam's.

I checked out the first part of 'Make me laugh' last night, will watch the rest later on. Does seem quite similar so far -- always a bonus to see 'Mr C' in something too haha.

Cheers for checking it out.

Ste

This story had a nice creepy feel to it.  I liked how you handled the Soulshadows premise.  

There were a few tweaks I could see being made though.  First was Luciano.  It wasn't really clear to me exactly what he was about.  You kept him pretty mysterious.  Was he an agent of the creator of the pendant, a willing party, or was he trapped like everyone else who came in contact with the necklace.  I'm punting on the former but it wasn't clear.  

Another tweak might be in the beginning, there is very little action at the start.  I know you were going for a slow build-up (and you did that) but I think a little bang for our buck at the front to whet our appetites for what's to come wouldn't hurt.  I also think you could cut some of the beginning section to allow us to see more of the necklace's effect.   I thought the ending could have been prolonged a bit more.

Lastly, I think Peter needed to be foreshadowed for the audience.  If you had done this the audience would be privy to information that Sam didn't know and it would have created a bit more tension.  I think you could have achieve this with a mirror behind the bar where Peter was not relfected.

Anyway, it was a fun read and I enjoyed it.

And BERT!!!

Tanis is getting better and better.

Cheers,

Michael    

Good idea about the mirror Michael. I tried to foreshadow with the barman calling him Paddy, but that's a better idea.

Luciano was the main character that I didn't want to explain too much, I wanted to leave that upto everyone else to make up their own mind. He certainly is a willing party though.

Cheers for the read, and I second your thoughts on Tanis!

Hey ste,

Great short. I liked it alot, espesically the mirrors. Just imagining it gives me the chills. Luciano was cool for a old guy, but shouldn't Peter be the one to look for the replacement and not Luciano. Just a thought. I was also kind of confused about the painting in Peter's place. Maybe clarify that a bit more. But overall, great job.

And Bert, another great job with Tanis. It was funny imagining her with the necklace on. Your developing her well.  

Gabe

Cheers Gabe

Luciano is a character that I've used before actually - Suburbia. Just with a few minor changes.

Pleased you enjoyed it. Peter is merely being used as bait for Sam. That's the deal e struck with Lucky in order to get his soul back. The painting is a little confusing, I just thought it would be a cool shot and like I said above was mainly for exposition for Peter/Patrick.

Thanks for checking it

Ste

Hey Ste

Didn't you have concerns for this episode?  If you did they were unjust because I found it entertaining throughout.  

I agree with Gabe that I thought it should have been Patrick/Peter that enticed Sam but your way worked too.  I like the whole soul capturing in the mirrors thing...very spooky.

Michael suggestion about maybe trimming the beginning and adding more later is a good one but I think maybe this was due to page restrictions right?  I didn't really find anything wrong with it to be honest.  Good work.

I have concerns about everything haha it's my scarefest script I think you're thinking of though.

Pleased you enjoyed it.

I enjoyed the concept of this one and I think it will definitely work with the typical kinds of polishing.

Tanis needs to be properly introduced. I'm not sure what she looks like and it's very important because she's your first image; so she will set the tone for the piece.

Also, after reading through, I'm wondering "why" Tanis can see herself since she
is wearing the pentagon. Wouldn't she suffer the same kind of fate as Peter and Sam?

I think the characters could be worked a bit more, maybe showing what debt Peter/Patrick had that needed to be paid.

When Peter was at first brought into the script, I was wondering why-- thinking that Lucky should have been here. The talk of Peter's brother, Patrick, (who turns out to be himself) seemed out of place at that point. Maybe you can introduce him earlier somehow.

In the beginning, with the mirror, it wasn't clear to me what type of mirror or how it was situated.

The tarp through me off and I was thinking it might be lying horizontally.

>As we make our way into the Alcove.

Let's get it tighter to something like:

Into the Alcove.

>She pauses for a moment, admiring its looks. And the way it looks upon her.

Again:

Go more tight and a bit more cinematic. (*note redundancies like "it's looks" & "it looks")

I played a bit with:

She stargazes-- its beauty bewitches; her clavicles taking the sheen of the mirrored pentagon.

Why the tarp? (Later I realized it must be to conceal her from looking too much.) Was the mirror flat? Or on the wall?

I really like Tanis' speaking to us: "She only be pretty on the outside?"

This, to me, is excellent!

Their dress and looks suggesting the reason they're alone.

This is too general and generally too long. It's also a subjective comment. Remember, John Lennon married Yoko Ono.

On page 3: Why is DOOR given a whole line to itself? Is it that important?

I don't see why Lucky would be searching for the word "representation" if he carries
business cards-- that would mean he regularly approaches people and knows what to
say.

>raises two fingers to his head...

Try something like:

He salutes, gun-points two fingers at Sam, sparks a wink and leaves.

I see the phone dilemma again here. Doesn't he have a cell phone?

>He stares at it for a moment before he walks out of the club.

This is taking up two lines and also, his staring at the phone is a bit weak.

How about try something like:

Sam slams the phone down. He eyes his son's picture.

On page 7, it says:

... mirrors either side showing the two previous scenes...

I didn't understand this. It didn't really show me the images in the mirror.

What is the b.g?

I don't know why Sam thinks Lucky was a whacko. I don't think this was really
shown properly.

Peter says:

That his brother was a painter. "Nothing really too special-- at least in my opinion.

Then Peter says:

He would have been Ireland's answer to Van Gogh though. Beautiful beautiful art he produced.

** What Peter is saying one moment, is not consistent the next; so be careful.

typo [alter]

I'm on page 17 and it feels like Sam has forgotten all about his son.

I was confused when her broke the mirrors, but then he got back up and started smashing them again.

Overall, I feel that this script can use a fair amount of tightening and refining.

You might play with motive a little bit more and foreshadow it. Like with Peter/Patrick:

I think he should be introduced much earlier. We need to know he's in some kind of personal hell and his connection to the necklace right of the bat.

If his release is to be determined by Sam's failure to abide by the "necklace rules," then the tension would be raised if we watched Sam hum and haw over using it. Maybe just a little bit more... A teensy tiny bit more wouldn't hurt? Would it?

My advice is to raise the conflict and tension and provide a bit more motive. Also, don't forget Sam's got a son that he apparently cares about.

Good work!!!

Sandra

Thanks alot for all those comments Sandra.

Tanis is Bert's work so I'll let him take you up on the points you raised regarding her scenes.

Your comments about Peter/Patrick are really good and I think I know a way to improve that and also beef up the start like Michael was suggesting. Maybe have an extra scene at the start with Patrick and Luciano? The deal being done or something where it isn't completely giving the game away but shows what Patrick has to lose. I'll have a think about that.

The point with Sam's son is supposed to show how deep down that is the reason he is looking for fame and fortune but the necklace blinds him of that, and makes him simply strive for success for his own selfish reasons.

Peter's line about his 'brother' goes something like;

'He wasn't anything special until he met old Lucky'

He's then talking about his brother after he met with Lucky when he says the next Van Gogh.

Thanks for the advice.

Ste

I try not to intrude on these threads too much -- but I wanted to give a blanket thanks to those who have taken a second to comment on Tanis -- and Steve punted one of those to comments to me anyway.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. Tanis needs to be properly introduced. I'm not sure what she looks like and it's very important because she's your first image; so she will set the tone for the piece.

This is the third episode, Sandra.  I spent about four pages introducing Tanis in the "pilot" episode -- but everybody (including me) felt that was just too much.

If you want an overdose of Tanis, you can check out the "Nine Circles" episode, by Pia.

By now, however, I have to assume the reader knows Tanis, and I try to get her in and out in less than two pages.

Quoted from Shelton Pentagon?  I'm used to it being called a Pentagram.

You know, I thought so, too, darn it.  I guess should have said something -- but I try not to intrude too much on what the author is doing.  I assumed he wanted a pentagon haha.

I like this one, too, Steve, and I am glad to find it well-received.  Now I need to get cooking on Shelton's...

Quoted from bert This is the third episode, Sandra.  I spent about four pages introducing Tanis in the "pilot" episode -- but everybody (including me) felt that was just too much. If you want an overdose of Tanis, you can check out the "Nine Circles" episode, by Pia. By now, however, I have to assume the reader knows Tanis, and I try to get her in and out in less than two pages.

Ok then, all is explained with Tanis, I just need to read Nine Circles.

Sandra

Quoted from bert I assumed he wanted a pentagon haha.

Yeah, I've just googled pentagon and I think it is wrong. Will be the first change in the rewrite.

I figured you meant Pentagon, Ste.

I thought it was just a typo. I was thinking Petagram though.

Now with all the talk-- I'm wondering what else it might be.

How about a Pentacle Necklace, with starry-diamond points?

Sandra

Thanks Pia, pleased you enjoyed it.

I like your idea about Luciano. I was thinking anyway of modernising this when doing a rewrite. Maybe have Sam as the lead singer in a rock band. Lucky persuades him to go solo. Then it would be easier to make Lucky a bit more 'from old times'. He's supposed to have a bit of 'Willy Wonka' about him as it is.

Sandra

haha yeah, it's a nice pentagram. I've actually never heard that word before.

Ste

This had a very eerie feel to it. At first when I started reading I was a bit confused as to what was going on, but by the end it all came together. It probably would've helped if I had read the other episodes first.

Anyways, great read, very believable characters, and it was a pretty good story for a short script.

I think I'm going to go read the first two episodes.

-James

Thanks James

Yeah the first two scripts are great. Pleased you liked this one.

Ste

Hey ste,

Nice job on this one. I usually dig horror/mystery shorts like this and it did not dissappoint. Didn't really do anything to break new ground (a mediocre performer approached by a myesterious stranger named Luciano, wonder what he wants) but you went through it well.

My biggest qualm is that it seemed like it didn't follow it's own rules. Sam wears the necklace off stage for a night and he dies (that's what it seemed like) but Patrick/Peter is affoded the oppurtunity to get his soul back? It doesn't seem to match. It also seems that Luciano isn't really gaining anything in this transaction. He's gaining Sam's soul but losing Patricks. Ain't that robbing Peter to pay Paul?

Personally, I wouldn't mind seeing a Luciano double cross where he gets both. I do like the brother aspect. Lot of places to go there.

Anyway, nice job. I'll have to check out some more of these.

Cheers Tim

Yeah, there is a scene that I've got to add in the rewrite explaining Patrick's deal with Lucky. This isn't the first soul that he's helped Lucky with. But yeah, that's completely missed from the script haha. I'm thinking of starting with that in the revised version.

Pleased you enjoyed it.

Ste

Hate to sound like a broken record, but Tanis was great again.

I think you’ve got a very cool premise here, Stephen.

I liked the scene in which Sam talks to his kid. It establishes the stakes (why he needs money so bad) and it makes us feel sorry for him (always a good trick to make the audience jump into the character shoes).

I think you shouldn’t abandon this angle, which is more dramatically powerful than the simple “greed” that seems to drive Sam in the scene where he asks for another “zero” in his contract.

I also liked the Peter/Patrick twist.

Quoted from stephen Basically he was going to end up the same way as Sam but at the last minute took the necklace off. In order to get his soul back he had to find a replacement - Sam.

Now that I read this, everything makes perfect sense. But I must admit that the ending (while cool) left me a bit confused. I couldn’t get why Sam ended up trapped inside the pentagon (nice visual) and Patrick didn’t. Now I do, but I think you should explain this angle a bit more.

Good job, man.

Cheers for your comments Z

The scene where he's on the phone and also in the park watching another kid is supposed to show his need. Books, books, books....

Thanks for reading it.

Hey Stephen, just finished your script, I wanted to wait till I finished mine before I read any of these so that I wouldn't be influenced at all.

I thought this one was pretty cool, I think it would actually make a good episode of tales from the crypt, it had the same kinda feel to it, minus the over the top gore, but that's okay, there were some gore less episodes as well.

The story itself was kinda predictible, you know Sam is gonna get his upcomings in the end, but watching that happen is part of the fun in these kinda stories.

I would have liked a little more of Peter/Patrick, I think you did a good job with Sam, he was fleshed out pretty well, but I think having Peter feeling more desperate would have helped, maybe an extra page or two with him.

I did like the ending even though I saw it coming, it was inevitable, and I guess if it didn't end that way I may have been disappointed.  Anyways this was a cool episode with a creepy feel to it, maybe go a little more in depth with Peter and it would be a lot stronger.  Good work.

Cheers mate.

Yeah it isn't really full of twists and turns but just went for a creepy sort of tale.

If I do a rewrite then Patrick's character will have a lot more screen time.

Looking forward to reading yours.

Hey Ste, I forgot about these Soul Shadows episodes for some reason.  I love the premise, as I've said in reviews for the first 2.  I've read all the comments so far, and really hate to say that I do not agree.  Hope you know me enough not to take anything I say here as anymore than my own personal opinion, and some ideas to shake things up a bit.

First off, Tanis' opening isn't nearly as well done (or well written for some reason) as the first 2.  Not exactly sure what happened, but even her mannerisms and dialogue seem different...and not a good different.  No one else has commented on this, so looks like I'm standing on my own...as usual!

OK, back to Reflection.  I'm very confused, first of all, about this pentagon thing.  Sounds to me like you're referring to a mirrored pentagram type thing.  The way it's worded currently made me literally stop each time I read the word (and it was quite a few times that it comes up), and wonder to myself if this was merely a reccurring typo, or some new word I wasn't familiar with.  Assuming I'm right in what I think you meant, this kind of mistake, which occurrs continually, throughout the entire script, is a bad one, and really takes away from the entire read.

As for the story itself, as someone else mentioned, it's kinda one of those been there, seen it things.  Now, please understand that in itself, isn't such a bad thing at all.  But with this, it just didn't go anywhere remotely new for me, and I think there are a number of possibilities that would realy strengthen this thing up.

I like Luciano, BTW.  Seems to be alot like my Xavier.  I persoanlly would have made him come off a bit creepier, because it's quite obvious who and what he is, so I'd say make him a bit more over the top and interesting.

As for Sam, I didn't really like the wife and son angle at all.  I'd have him be much more of a low life type lounge singer, who routinely has one nighters with whomever he can.  Instead of having Anna just run away like she did, I'd have her get killed. I think you really need at least 1 kill in here.  The way it stands now, it's just too much nothingness for me.

I'd also alter Sam as a performer.  I'd have him be pretty crappy at first, but then, when he wears the necklace, have him be an amazing singer and entertainer...a total transformation.  I think it would play better this way and also be quite funny in a way, and add to the overall experience.

Again, sorry to say this, but I didn't really like the Peter/Patrick thing either.  I also really didn't understand what you were going for here.  I always have a problem when a character walks into a scene, says a few things, and then just leaves.  It's kind of like a soap opera where time and proximity don't exist.  The scene I'm referring to here is obviously the Irish bar scene.  It just doesn't come off as believable at all, and didn't sit well with me.

And finally, as for the ending...I didn't really like it or get it.  It was quite a letdown from where I was expecting and hoping it was going to go.  Where was that, you ask?  Well, somewhere dark, and evil, and surprising...or better yet, shocking!

Ste, I'm really sorry to sound so negative, and I think I am being negative because I see so much more in this story.  I like the premise very much, and I just wish you had worked with your options a bit more.  I have a feeling that when you rewrite this (which it sounds, like you are), it will be much, much better.

Wish I had more positive things to say my friend, but this just didn't really do it for me in its current form.

Up the irons, mate!

Hey Jeff, cheers for checking it out. All feedback is good feedback so no need to be sorry you didn't like it.

I don't know how to do the whole quoting different sections, so I'll just try to pick up each point in turn.

The Pentagon thing is just a mistake, I thought that was what it was called. I mean witchcraft and stuff, they draw a pentagon on the floor don't they? That's where my thinking was at anyways.

As far as the story not being new. I haven't seen that ending before. Fair enough, selling your soul to be better at something isn't new, and I didn't really go to change that structure. I just wanted to have the characters to make this my own take on it.

Pleased you liked Luciano. He's a character I've used before in a script called 'Suburbia'. Slight tweaks obviously.

Sam is a low-life lounge singer, only he has a son that he wants to see. He doesn't want to see him because he loves him, he wants to see him because he's his. If he eventually got the opportunity to see him everyday he wouldn't. He just feels like he's missing out on something at the moment.

I think you're right about making Sam a worse performer to start though. Would make the shift more stand-outish. I really only wanted one person to suffer in the script though, so even with a rewrite there won't be any kills.

With the bar scene, if you're referring to the dialogue, then I agree with you. I read this a few times before posting it and that part of the script always jarred with me. It felt a bit too Columbo-like. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a Columbo fan, but yeah just seemed to be too much exposition in that scene. Although, I do like Peter as a character. I think he needs alot more fleshing out.

About the ending, I think that's maybe just a personal preference.

I'm writing a feature at the minute so won't be getting round to a rewrite on this anytime soon. When/If I do though, I'll take your comments on board.

About Tanis, I'll leave that upto Bert to reply to.

The ending was confusing for me.  I understand now...I think, based on other posts and your responses to them, but as it is, it just doesn't come off as much of a climax.  Also, I don't really see much of a lesson or theme in here, that shouts out to me.

The sell your soul for something you want premise is fine (and is really the same premise I have in Fade to White), and I totally get it.  But it all happens so fast, and in reality, what really happens?  Sam dies within like...what...a day after recieving the necklace?  Personally, I would have left the ending more up in the air, and carry more meaning as to the theme that Tanis was talking about in the intro.  I just don't really see the correlation, and that's what I disliked the most I think.

Looking forward to that feature you're working on!  Good luck.

I'd have Patrick/Peters working on a portrait that eventually turns out to be Sam's.  While he's painting, Mr. P remembers his bargain with Lucky, but without giving away too many details.  When he's done painting, it is a macabre version of Sam's physique that he has.  Something a bit gruesome but not too shocking.

I love having Sam wanting to talk to his kid.  But the script seemed a little rushed, probably due to page restraints.  Instead of having Sam have his comeuppance a night later, make it a week or so.  Maybe he can also plead his case to Patrick/Peters, but Sam gets no help from him because he's too afraid for his own soul.

Just some thoughts.  Richcraft