Butterfly by Richard Silvester - Short - A short drama about lust and the lives we think others lead.  6 pages - rtf, format 8)

My second short, let me know what you think. Would love some feedback.

I don't tend to like stories with romantic themes.  It tends to be done so much that you can predict the character's next move ten paces before they do.  For some  the familiarity of the known is exactly what draws them to romantic films.  To make it fresh, more and more sensuality has been added with a wink and a smile.

I delight in writing that I found none of those techniques used here.  I liked the use of the butterfly and it's life cycle as a vehicle for the magnetism between Jess and Alejandro.  I really don't think Mel, Jess' friend is needed here except as an audience for a visual retelling of Mel and Alejandro coming together?  

I do like that you didn't create her as a physical obstacle between the two lovers.  

A few minor suggestions, perhaps if the obstacle came from Jess and Alejandro themselves, since they mirror each other so much?  Why was Alejandro gone the next day?

I haven't a clue how to do this myself.  

Also Alejandro dances to music.  Does this music play while he is examining the O. alexandrae?  It would bridge the seen of his transformation nicely if it did.

I like the mythical tone as though something magical could happen.

I'll look for more scripts by you.  I like your use of language.  For example:  Heat lamps hover like u.f.o.'s.

arm me with harmony,
R

Thanks for your insightful comments. Apprechiate you taking the time to read my short.

OPP yeah you know me!

This one has a lot of novel-like description. There are different schools of thought on this ranging from the view that you shouldn’t have any unnecessary exposition to the view that it’s okay to practically write a novel. My personal view lies in the middle and a little closer to none. Too much novelesque description will put off readers who have to read scripts day in and day out for a living. None at all often makes for a bland and unmemorable script.

You push the line here. Some of what you write comes off as going beyond your inspiration; for example; “Time seems to stand still.” This is just overextended exposition that does nothing to enhance the mood of the scene. It comes off as though you just had to take it one step further when the inspiration really just wasn’t there. I realize you want to enhance the dramatic mood with this type of exposition. You don’t always accomplish that though. And where you don’t, it becomes cumbersome.

It’s only slightly overwritten though. My advice is to keep the exposition that’s truly inspired and get rid of the stuff that was forced. If it’s questionable to you at all, then change it.

On the other hand some of what you write is genuinely poetic and erotic. Those parts accomplish what they were intended to do. Several instances where Jess and Alejandro are together had a very effective stream-of-consciousness feel that was arousing.

Some technical issues:

It started off somewhat shaky. Jess is described as having the children in the palm of her hand with her reading style. But we don’t see what’s so special about her. Her first line is “…The end.” A viewer of the film would never know why the children would be enthralled. Does she talk like the characters in the story? We need to see things like that.

I’m not personally into tattoos but I can still appreciate the usage here.

You can just introduce Alejandro as Alejandro and describe him as a young Hispanic man instead of introducing him as a young Hispanic man and placing Alejandro in parentheses.

I also don’t like all the we sees. Every time I turned around, it seemed it was we do this and we do that. There are different schools of thought on that as well. Personally, I generally think they defeat the very purpose of writing the story in the first place - for the reader to suspend disbelief and immerse themselves in the characters and the story. I can forgive a few - and yes they’re even effective at times - but you have so many. It’s a constant reminder I’m only a voyeur watching from the outside. I’ll never understand the infatuation some writers have with this device. Different strokes though.

You don’t need the slam cuts. I’ve never even heard of a slam cut. There’s a technique called a smash cut. Maybe that’s what you mean. They don’t belong here though.

Some of the script is just okay for me but the romantic parts I personally found at times effectively (and enjoyably) erotic - and they very nearly made up for the script's flaws. If you trim this up a little, and add a little here and there developmentally, you could have a very intriguing and sexy mood piece here.

Overall, I liked it but it does need a little work.


Breanne

I am conscious of my prevalence to over write, trust me this was a pared down draft.
Point taken about the opening. Some work is needed to strengthen that.

Your pointing out the over use of the ‘we see’ technique was helpful. I  re-read the script and saw what you meant. Something I will watch out for in the future.

I am glad you enjoyed the tone and sensuality I was trying achieve. (hope you didn’t get to excited)
I’m sure as I write and read more scripts the technical aspects will improve.

Your insights were helpful, constructive criticism is awesome, will have to check out some of your work.
Cheers
Ricky

Hey Ricky

As far as format goes, I'd take note of everything Breanne said.  Your character introductions could be better, just indications of the person age and features...how old is Jess?  I just mean like 20's or 30's, you don't need to be too specific.

Jess' tattoo is a good visual tool but I thought teachers aren't suppose to show things like tattoo's, especially to young children.  Don't think a teacher raising their shirt and showing flesh would go down too well with parents either lol.

The story is a nice little love story but I did wonder why Alejandro ignores Jess after their encounter?  Did I miss something.

My main problem has also been mention but I feel I have to say it myself.  This is a 6 page short but it dragged while reading, simply because it is too over written.  It really does read like a novel at times, details that could and perhaps should be left out.  You could probably trim a whole page from this without damaging the story.  

There are a lot of 'point of views' which can be included without actually indicating the fact, you just need to describe the action differently.  Jess' actions in the cafe are fine and read well but then this 'The thin villa squashed between designer concrete and aluminum siding always made people look twice. Its cracking paint and dusty shutters like an old face with faded makeup', is too much detail.

'Alejandro lumbers up the street like a caterpillar'.  I don't get this description either?  How does a man look like a catarpillar when he walks?

All this negative feedback will probably lead you to think that I hated this short but I didn't.  It was an OK story, not my cup of tea, but as romantics go it was fine.  You just need to hold back on the wording.

Quoted from alffy Jess' tattoo is a good visual tool but I thought teachers aren't suppose to show things like tattoo's, especially to young children.  Don't think a teacher raising their shirt and showing flesh would go down too well with parents either lol.

Yeah, I noticed this too but forgot to say something about it. It would be better for her to show the tattoo to her adult friend than the children. That didn’t feel right - unless you make it a fanciful scene as you did with Alejandro. Maybe after she shows the tattoo, it comes back to reality where she refuses to show it. That would also be consistent with later events with Alejandro.


Breanne

With the showing of the tattoo, It’s a colourful butterfly not a skull or naked chick. And she is not their school teacher, just a girl who reads stories at the butterfly house, (my friend really has this job as is covered in tats) I don’t see this being a problem.
And why does Alejandro ignore Jess at the cafe the second time?  Because they have never met. Their whole encounter was a fantasy, played out in Jess’s mind. So when we notice that Alejandro does have a tattoo and is reading about butterflies it brings up questions in Jess’s mind and hopefully the audiences about fate and destiny. That’s what I was going for anyway, in a trippy Hitchcock kinda way.  

Thanks for all your input. I’m finding it helpful to have to justify my choices and explain things.

Outstanding visual descriptions, and I especially loved the idea. of Alejandro's cape flapping like wings. As for the walking like a caterpillar, I didn't really get that and wonder if it wouldn't work better if he was pedaling up a hill on his bicycle. I could see someone struggling to ride a bike up a hill hunched over and inching along as a caterpillar would.

As for Breanne's note, I thought showing the tattoo was a little weird too, but I think that could be fixed by making the kids a little older. It's a little strange for a woman to expose herself, even if it's just her back, to a bunch of 1st graders, but I it 0think would be perfectly acceptable in front of a bunch of 13 year olds.

Just my thoughts, overall an interesting read even though the romance genre isn't one that I usually delve into. Great concept that with a bit of tweaking could be something really unique.

Cool thanks for that.
I could see the bike idea working well. Just got some notes from a director friend and he suggested the same thing, great minds eh?

Ricky

I think the bit where we see Jess showing her butterfly through a POV of a kid ... and then she noticing us was out of place and probably unneeded for the tone of the story, so too was her bittersweet smile as she was driving away, shouldn't she be kind of tired ?

I really enjoyed the parts where she is serving / working as if it was a dance, and to see it again as alejandro also works / and finally in the night club...

the scene where it goes from alejandros house to the night club seemed a bit head on for me, i was a bit like wtf, how did alejandro hit the club! although it makes sense (the sudden scene change) when you read the whole script.

anyway i liked it =)
I hope my comments are helpful.

Quoted from Ricky why does Alejandro ignore Jess at the cafe the second time?  Because they have never met. Their whole encounter was a fantasy

Right sorry, I never picked up on that.

Quoted from Ricky With the showing of the tattoo, It’s a colourful butterfly not a skull or naked chick. And she is not their school teacher, just a girl who reads stories at the butterfly house, (my friend really has this job as is covered in tats) I don’t see this being a problem.

Teacher or not, she still has a responsibilty and although some tattoos are hard to hide, ones that are shouldn't be flaunted, especially if it means lifting up your shirt in front of children.

I enjoyed your script and would be happy to read more.  Very novel like but good all the same.

My friend is a teacher and tattoos are a no no.  So stick with your friends job and not a teacher for showing off skin.

Regards


Javier

Hi Ricky
I liked the idea, I liked your descriptions, it was a very interesting story and had me on edge as I was wondering when the bad thing was going to happen.

Many stories with bugs etc tend to have a horror theme, hence I waited for the moment that Jess was consumed by Alejandro and not just sexually !

One point, I remember a similar incidence of a recent butterfly birth and the butterfly flew up into the lights, ZAP end of story.

Alejandro is interesting as a character to me.  You have him gliding aggressively across a dance floor and also lumbering up a street like a caterpillar, would it be likely that after meeting Jess he moves from the caterpillar to a butterfly because of his meeting with her ?  As he cuts open the chrysalis and releases the butterfly so Jess does the same to him (not literally).
Additional points
I would take out the description “moth eaten hat” as well -  too many bugs ?
I might add that it is the butterflies mating season eg some particular time of year, and Mel adds something in her opinion of Alejandro that he smells funny, which in fact Jess finds the most attractive thing about him?
Also butterflies only live a few days by my understanding could this desperation be added to provide another level of intensity to the love making?
Jess I liked, carefree etc, maybe her shirt could have blown up as a result of the wind and revealed the butterfly tat to us only in slow motion, the she looks towards us.

Ricky, for me your story is very original and I have enjoyed the way you have in a few pages covered a great idea. As I am new here and haven’t managed to post anything of my own yet I trust you will take my comments in good faith.
Best wishes Walford

Thanks for all of you that have replied. I find all your coments helpful and encouraging.

Will be looking at posting some more of my work soon as I get more confident in my writing. This is something new for me, but am really enjoying the process, and inspired by your interest in my work from the other side of the world.

Thanks and keep posting.

As we say here in NZ

Chur!

I know this is a pretty old script, but I read it before I knew that, so I'll give my opinion anyway!

It’s okay, but I think this story would do better in a novel form, to be honest.
You have some telling and not showing going on here.
I don’t know why the kids would be scared and in shock of the butterfly landing on people?
That seemed kind of strange.
This kind of ghost story has been done a lot, even with the ending at the other guy’s house.
However, I found it to be an easy read, and well structured.
Good job!
(4 years ago)