High Speed Pursuit by John C - Action - A local traffic reporter becomes the story when he winds up in a high-speed pursuit of his own and leads police on the longest chase in L.A. history. 96 pages - pdf, format 8)

I liked it. I'd watch it.

I thought you telegraphed the punchline, though. When the heroine dropped the reference to betting on the chase during that early phone call, I knew how that story arc was going to wrap up. Might be worth a second look at that section.

Good story arcs, believable characters, nice dialogue.

Applause from this section of the crowd.

Thanks.  :)

I stumbled in here by accident you might say and read the script, so I figured I might leave some feedback as well, here goes:

I think you got a lot of good stuff in there, the car chases of LA is an original backdrop for the story, great dialogue and Jack's a fine main character. I laughed out loud about the "male journalist who wants to be Hemingway" part. I know a male journalist and he too wants to be Hemingway. Spot on!  

The irony of the tagline made me want to read your script and I thought the set-up was great. However, after a while I glanced at the page count and realized almost half-way into the movie, the premise I was sold on, hadn't started yet and I was getting impatient reading. Is there any way you can get to the action quicker?

Quoted from Trond I stumbled in here by accident you might say and read the script, so I figured I might leave some feedback as well, here goes: I think you got a lot of good stuff in there, the car chases of LA is an original backdrop for the story, great dialogue and Jack's a fine main character. I laughed out loud about the "male journalist who wants to be Hemingway" part. I know a male journalist and he too wants to be Hemingway. Spot on!   The irony of the tagline made me want to read your script and I thought the set-up was great. However, after a while I glanced at the page count and realized almost half-way into the movie, the premise I was sold on, hadn't started yet and I was getting impatient reading. Is there any way you can get to the action quicker?

Thanks for taking the time to respond, and I appreciate the feedback. (especially for someone's first post ;))

As for 'cutting to the chase' quicker, you're probably right. Actually, in an earlier draft, it took even longer to get there. that draft ran nearly 120 pages, and I trimmed it down to the present length of 96. The chase took place mostly in the last third of that draft, but here it runs roughly the second half. So I have been moving in that direction. But there's a lot of setup to do, and you risk cutting out stuff that might leave the story undeveloped. Do you have any suggestions?

As for the characters, I'm hoping the two leads (Jack and Lisa) are strong enough to carry the story (at least up to the point of the chase). Although, judging from your response, that may not be the case. I'll keep working on it.

Thanks again, and please feel free to add any other comments: good, bad, or otherwise.

Hey- I really like this script too.  And it's not a location-crazy action script - a lot of it takes place in Lias's office, or in a car. No falling off a mountain stunts or anything either.

I was reading other people's suggestions, and I had a thought about how to get to the chase faster:

Why not have Lisa waiting in the Porsche, so that all three of them go to Stan's place in the end?  That would allow them to argue out their past relationship in front of the camera, instead of being before the chase starts.

Why not have the discussion with Monty in the first car, so that Stan robs the bank while he, Monty, and Jack are out on a "lunch break?"  It makes Stan a little nuttier, and it gets them all in the cars faster.

It also lends some subtext (although that could just be the fact i'm typing late at night) with Jack pursuing his own artistic and personal integrity at high speeds, while he is chased by the commercialism of Monty and the negative emotions of Lisa while he unable to escape them in the front and back seats of the car.

You might also write a spike strip in there during Jack's chase, to show that he does, indeed know how to avoid many of the traps laid by the LAPD.

I'm down in San Diego,and I loved the "wanna cross the border?" comment: Time to cross the border is on the overhead traffic displays as I drive home, and it's never less than thrity minutes :)
-Fred

Feeling free it is:

I would perhaps cut the scenes where Jack goes bonkers in the studio and the stadium, as they don't pull the story enough forward and rather focus on the fact that he, the greatest chase reporter ever, wasn't present for covering the chase of the year.

I think the audience would understand that's a huge blow to his ego, and the irony that his ego got him there in the first place. Then you could have the discussion with him and Lisa (at p44) starting with Lisa first stating her concern, turning into her rant about his person. At the end of that scene, the rain could start, then the call to Carlos etc.

You could perhaps also heighten the action by letting Carlos, instead of drowning himself in a bottle of tequila, take the active antagonistic approach, join the chase, try to ram Jack off the road to stop him from setting the record.

First, thanks for all the suggestions.

Aside from cutting to the chase faster, what did you folks think about the world that Jack inhabits? Was it real and believable, did you have any trouble picturing it? Also, what about the other characters, did they have their own voice, or sound alike? And finally, how did the opening read with the extensive voice over, were the city facts interesting enough to hold your attention, and how did the script read in general? Did it keep you turning the pages for the most part, or were there any slow or uninteresting parts where you tuned out?

Thanks again.

The script and characters in general reminded me of Switching Channels, and to me that was a good thing. The characters were instantly recognizable, fitting different "newsroom-archtypes". The script read better at the first half, but the difference wasn't that big towards the end.

Regarding the V.O at the beginning, I imagined it was the reporter in the helicopter addressing the television-viewers, filling in a less spectacular part of the chase with facts, and when I learned it was actually Jack talking, I figured it was a nice hook.

Thanks again everyone, your suggestions were very helpful in the rewrite. :)

Nice piece of work.  I liked it it a lot because I'm a TV News Guy and have a few treatments featuring the newsroom in action.  That said, let's get to the show here.  This script has got to be kept boiling.  Once you turn-on the heat you have to keep the plot boiling so that the SCRIPT "Lives-up" to its title.
First. Long ago, I learned: "When the Second Act closes with someone putting a Pistol on the table.  Somebody needs to get shot in Act-3".
This script NEEDS a LIFE-THREATENING reason to bag the "Ultimate Driving Machine" for the "There is NO Substitute."  That's your "Pistol places on the table."  Porsche IS a Central Character you wrote into the script!  I'd suggest a sub-plot of Gang-bangers who are out to stop Jack from besting "The Record".  OK.  You ditched the Beemer and are now airborne in the Porsche.  Beat...the...shit...out...of...the...Porsche.  Drive Jack's ass off.  Losing the Gang-bangers who'd kill 'em for besting their mark, after making the audience pee their pants a few times. Do something spectacular with the Porsche that wrecks the Bangers, ... or ... just give 'em the same kind of chase featured in "Bullitt!"   Yes, I love it too.  No charge.  Teaser-trailer:  "Jack was just a good news guy chasing a new career; until some real bad news started chasing him."  (richardemassey@comcast.net)

only the second script i read on here, i enjoyed it, good job!

This script is a gem hidden amongst rocks.  I really, really, really enjoyed it.

EDIT: 30 pages in and (to me) nothing happens but talk. A high speed chase should reek of action, but this doesn't. The writing is okay. Lot of that "we" kind of writing, which works when the story is moving along really well.