Tommy by Tim Martin (dromoto) - Short, Horror - Psychological/surreal thriller of a schizophrenic named Tommy. 10 pages - doc, format 8)

I understand that this is supposed to be about Tommy's insanity, but it still made no sense (atleast to me).  I couldn't say what was real and what wasn't because everything seemed surreal.

The scenes also seemed disjointed.  There was no flow in this story.  If you moved the scenes around, or eliminated some of them, it wouldn't affect the story.

A couple of times, you describe things incorrectly.

SPOILER SPACE....

You introduce Mary as Tommy's sister, but it's not 'revealed' until a little later who she is. Things in a script have to be described in ways that can be recorded by the camera.  Just saying that Mary is Tommy's sister.    The same applies with your introduction of Mrs. Blidge, when you say she has an unhappy demeanor.  Don't tell us this; show us.

There were a couple of odd descriptions that you have to be careful for.  Your very first description:

Quoted Text A full moon filters through blinds that hang over a sliding glass door, illuminating an otherwise dark room. It’s storming outside.

If it's raining out, you can't see the moon.

This may seem petty to bring up, but if the opening line in a script is flawed, it stays with me for the rest of the script.  There are one or two other flawed descriptions in the script (which can't be blamed on madness).


Hope this helps.


Phil

Hi Tim

I liked this script. I think it matched Tommy's insanity and would look very good on screen.

I agree with Phil that some of your descriptions need to be reworked but creatively, I thought this was really good. Some very creepy and bizarre images. The scene with a hole in his head reminded me a little of the movie 'Pi', where he drills his skull.

I think you should maybe extend this a little to help people's understanding of it. I couldn't really follow the story apart from the feeling of maddness within it.

celtx is a free writing software that works very well. I suggest you download that and read other scripts to help with your formatting.

Good work.

Hi Tim,

I wanted to say that I liked your script.  It was good.  Aside from what the others said, I think alot of your descriptions can be cut or shortened.  And in some cases changed into dialogue.

Other than that, kepp it up and get writing software to help with formatting.

All the best.


Javier

A few set-up issues and portrayal issues for me. I think your descriptions could be twisted into dialogue between characters. HOWEVER, when I think about it you do paint a fine picture with your words. ... hmm

oKAY, my concluding notion would just be to cut things down. Shorten it a bit.

When it came to the story I did like the insanity aspect of it. A dismay with Tommy, i think you did great imaginatively with the imagery. Some eerie and weird stuff. With work i'd like to see this made.

Good JOB!