Scarefest 2 - Shellshocked by Stephen Brown - Short, Horror - The war has left deep scars within Peter's mind. Can he keep them in check to save his young family? 21 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Ste,

Like I said before...This is REAL horror. It's crazy because this could actually be happening somewhere and I'd believe it. It sorta had me thinking of the movie Hard Times. But very good job with this. Great story. I enjoyed myself. Keep it up.


-SHAWN

Hey Ste

I like this cos it's different, not your conventional horror story.  Peter's self destruction has a good impact and the ending has a good climax.  I still think the seargent needs a bit more at the beginning, to really show his personality.  I know page constraints may have hampered this though.

Anyway I like this and it read quick and easy.  Good stuff.

Shawn

Cheers man, yeah I went for more of a disturbing horror than for frights. Don't know if I quite pulled it off but I got the idea from a news report about a similar thing happening in England not too long ago. Apparently the guy had sneaked loads of weapons back from the army (a regular thing according to some unnamed source).

Alffy

I would have liked Peter to have had a hallucanation about being back in the war - just to give the Sergeant a bit more exposure.

Pleased you both liked it and cheers Don for posting these. (You're name in here was purely coincidence haha)

Hey Ste, as promised, I read your Scarefest feature first.  Actually read it last night, quite inibriated, and decided to wait until tonight to post my thoughts (but then agian, I'm hammied again, so I guess it didn't really matter!).  Decided to go over it quick again now.

OK...Ste...this is all just my opinion, so please take it for what it's worth.

First of all, I can tell that you are a talented writer.  I was pretty sure you were just based on the way that you give comments and reviews.  Now I know for sure you are.  Your writing is crisp and clean, and moves well.  Pace and flow are great, and you give great imagery in the words you choose to use.   BUT...this didn't really work for me overall.

Here's the skinny...

I know that you guys were under a time constraint in doing this Scarefest II deal, as well as a page limit.  I found a number of mistakes here that kinda jumped out at me (if you want exact info, I can provide that to ya...let me know).  I think some may be British, vs. American slang, or the like, so no big deal there, mate!  I do think that the page limit hurt you here though.

On the really positive side, you went for an extremely ambitious tale here, and I give you credit for that.  I think at under 25 pages, though, that it was a bit much, and you didn't have enough time to develop any of your characters or plot.  Nothing stood out for me, in terms of characters, scenes, or overall story.  I wish the seargeant vision character could have had a backstory, and I think if he did, it would have been cool if he got killed and appeared as a skeleton type thing.  The way he wasn't described at all, just didn't really work as being scary for me.

Also,the majority of your kills were basically off screen, which I don't like personally.  I think you needed a a little more onscreen violence, but I know you were going for a different approach.

I think that this doesn't quite work as "horror".  It definitely has all the elements, but the overall feel of it wasn't horror for me.  Tim wasn't a scary or horrific guy.  I felt sorry for him, and I think that's what didn't work for me.  It was more the "horrors of war", and what happens to  people when they serve their country and come out in 1 piece...but never live down the experieecn they survived.

On 2nd read, I did find a number of great aspects to this.  Loved the mirror thing when Tim popped the pills.  Great visual!  Also liked the camcorder thing of the family.

Overall, I think you went for too much for a short script.  And I think you failed to deliver on the horror premise, mainly because of the lack of onscreen violence or brutality.

BUT, this is a very solid piece of work, and I see many instances of great writing and solid, well  thought out visions.  For me though, the bottom line is that I wanted more, but less at the same time, if that makes any sense!

Hope this helps.  Up the irons, mate!!!!

Thanks for the read.

Yeah, I agree really that this should be about an hour long (mini-feature?). There's a number of scenes I would like to add.

I proofread this quite a bit and the only thing I realised (just after I sent it off) was the scene where he's playing russian roullette with himself. You couldn't spin the barrell if it's closed.

I'm not a big horror fan really and wanted to go for something different. It's supposed to have a more disturbing feel than outright shocks or gore.

Appreciate your comments mate.

Yeah Ste, I'd say it could easily be twice as long and you'd be able to set things up better, and get more feeling for the characters.

Some things that I found odd were your choice of headings.  For instance, at times you use "Peter's Bedroom", others it just "Bedroom".  Sometimes it's "Peter's House", others it's just the room in the house.  And then we get to "Sister's House", which I think is actually his wife's sister's place, right?  So I don't think Sister's House even makes sense.  Then, once inside the sister's house, sometimes it lists the room only, others, preceded by "Sister's House".  For continuity, I think each house has to have a name, and then list the room after it.

Know what I mean?

I normally have the first slug saying where we are and if the main location doesn't change I'll just have the room. That might not be the right way to do it, but it's just how I've done it in my last few scripts. Sandy is referred to as "my sister". So that's what I used as the slug. Sluglines are something I haven't looked into all that much so far, I just feel it makes a smoother read.

I could see this as a one off drama sort of thing on telly. The theme anyways. Hence the hour long thing.

But Sandy is Michelle's sister, right?  To me, since Peter is the main character here, using "Sister's House" doesn't make sense, as it's not his sister.  You know?  Kind of like changing persprectives midway through.

For me, when there is more than 1 house in play, I feel you have to label the house each time, cause you could very easily be intercutting scenes between the 2 houses, and by keeping things the same all the way through, you're making it easier on the reader as well as the production staff, so they know exactly where each scene is supposed to be.  Without the exact header (or if the header is different at different times for the same place) it becomes a production nightmare.

Yeah I hear ya mate. Makes sense.

This was a good one, Ste. Though the sergeant started to get a bit annoying after a while because he continued to say the same things over and over again whenever he talked to Peter. I guess it was one way to get Peter to go crazy.

Sorry, but I thought it was funny when Tim appeared on the floor and was like, "Help me!" I guess it's because I'm messed up like that...

I got confused when you had the superimposed stuff at the end partly because I've never seen that kind of format before. Usually, it's like a flashback or something, but I dunno. I had to read over it a few times because I thought that Michelle and Erin had gotten out of the house, and I got really confused when they were laughing and giggling. Also, I thought that the two gunshots were just to throw police off or something, but then the ending cleared it up. Dang, that sucks.

Any way, this isn't like your pop-out-at-you horror, but more psychological horror, which can be one of the scariest horrors out there.

Sean

Uhg! This is one those sorts of stories I wished I had never read. It was just a little too realistic for my liking. You see it happen on the news, you read about it in the news papers.

I felt ill and uncomfortable reading about a father and a husband go off the deep end and have total disregard for life just because they had a anger mangement problem.  Just unpleasent.

and that is the impact horror is suppose to have so that's why this script is amazing and briilant.

Most horrors fail for me because I can't identify with ghouls and ghost and imaginative grotesque violence because it isn't real.

But what you have here, the simplistic realism of it cuts deep and true.

Good job man and well written.  

  

Cheers for the reads there Sean and Tonka.

For that final scene Sean, I knew what I wanted it to look like. The scene playing over the top of Peter's image and then it cuts to the garden scene after the gunshot. I wasn't too sure how to format it so I asked in the screenwriting forum and that's how a couple of people suggested to do it.

Thanks for the high praise Tonka, but sorry I made you feel ill man. As you say this is the kind of story you read about or watch on the news. I wanted to have it as truthful as possible but I wanted to limit the on-screen violence as much as possible. I think there's only one death that you actually see.

I've actually emailed this script to a friend of mine who's been in the army for ages because he was interested in it when I mentioned it. Haven't heard back from him since so maybe I should have put a warning on the email...

Anyway thanks for your comments.

Quick opening, what I mean by quick is there’s action, conflict and therefore potential for more action, conflict.

  When I read short, I’m always asking questions based on how the character acts and what he says. For instance, Peter mentions he fought for his country was that by choice or force, if it was by choice would he do it all over again knowing the outcome, and if he was forced who forced him. Did his wife support him in going? Michelle says, ‘mum’, I don’t know how many Americans use the term is she from overseas.

  I like how when introducing both Peter and Michelle they both appear to have a goal, but I didn’t see a mention of what the plan was, except for taking pills, nothing that appeared more active that may draw them closer or further apart.

  This may be a personal preference but I would of liked if the Michelle had taken and indirect approach before bringing up the communication problem and when she did, it was brief.
  Otherwise, this to may be preference she sounds like a nag, unless, that’s her personality which is fine, but is that what you’re going for. I mean obviously this has been the topic of much debate, so I’ve already imagine that part, if you choose to make me sit through another conversation of “communication”, even though it’ll technically be the first time shown on screen, is this were you want to pick it up from? Is this where the characters in their real world left off, I doubt it? Maybe I’m wrong, but I got the impression that Peter’s been home awhile and this has been going on for a while. What do you think about this point I’m bringing up? Because this an interesting aspect to me of how the writer creates moments and dialogue that haven’t been seen, but based on other given information the reader, audience and viewer can and have logically inferred.

After yelling and shaking her daughter, I’m surprised with Michelle’s dialogue…

Michelle, “I’m going to my sister’s Peter. I’m sorry, I just can’t let Erin be around you like this.”

I don’t think she should tell him where they are going.

OK. Now, I see why she told him, but still I wonder was that her talking to Peter or the author talking to the audience. I liked the narrative description with the officer counting down, and the clips of the family, plus the impending danger. Nice.

This is fairly dark story, I mean I know horror at all that but most of those involve stranger killing stranger. Here’s a father, husband murdering the entire family. So, bravo for taking that approach and risk, I think this is a key technique for a great horror… the Exorcist, the Shinning, followed by community horror.

Nice read.


BLB

Thanks BLB. Some great advice there.

Quoted from Busy Little Bee   Otherwise, this to may be preference she sounds like a nag, unless, that’s her personality which is fine, but is that what you’re going for. I mean obviously this has been the topic of much debate, so I’ve already imagine that part, if you choose to make me sit through another conversation of “communication”, even though it’ll technically be the first time shown on screen, is this were you want to pick it up from? Is this where the characters in their real world left off, I doubt it? Maybe I’m wrong, but I got the impression that Peter’s been home awhile and this has been going on for a while. What do you think about this point I’m bringing up?

That is a great point, and to be honest it's something I've overlooked in my scripts. I can see how a scene like that could be used to get deeper into the characters and their relationship. In hindsight, yeah, I agree with you.

Quoted from Busy Little Bee This is fairly dark story, I mean I know horror at all that but most of those involve stranger killing stranger. Here’s a father, husband murdering the entire family. So, bravo for taking that approach and risk, I think this is a key technique for a great horror… the Exorcist, the Shinning, followed by community horror. Nice read. BLB

I had The Shining in mind when writing this. It's one of my favourite films and is the style of horror that I was going for.

Thanks again, appreciated.

Hi Ste,
Have to say I was impressed with this one, well written and well paced. An enjoyable in the darkest way story because it seems more likely the events in your script could have ( and probably have ) actually happened.
I was reading an small interview from Andy McNab the other day and he mentioned the effects of war on soldiers who return back to a normal society and how many of them have either killed themselves or pretty much gone round the bend.  I dont think it is a brand new topic to cover but I think you what you did so well was take a very realistic situation and portray it as honest as possible - if that makes sense?
I guess what Im trying to say is that there was no need for excess gore and monsters and zombies to make it horrific - the horror was in the fact this so easily could happen in real life.
I think you pulled it off very well and seemingly with ease, so much credit to you for that.

It was a little slow to start for me -  there were one or two many times when the seargent  appears and gives his orders - but I wouldnt worry about that. It all comes together and I think it was neccesary to have included all that you did,  so that the final breakdown of Peter was pretty crystal clear.

I thought the ending was spot on and fitting to the mood of the script. A happy ending would really not have done justice to it. And I did like how you wrote the images Peter had of Michelle and Erin, it gave it a nice but depressing touch!
Plus, very nice title by the way - very apt.

So yes, thumbs up. Great job Ste,

Cheers Scoob, pleased you liked it.

Yeah maybe I could have replaced the scene with Alf, and had a hallucination of Peter back in the war. I think you're right in that there's one too many scenes with the Sergeant, but if I could have gotten a scene with him 'real', then that would have helped.

When writing stories like this I try to make them as honest as possible, so pleased you thought it was.

Thanks for your comments mate.