Doctor's News by Jorge Alarcon-Swaby - Short, Comedy - A comedy about a docotor delivering news to a guy about his wife. 2 pages - pdf, format 8)

Is it just me, or aremore and more people submitting super-short scripts here?

This was a cute little piece.  It was pretty well told.  If I were to criticize this, I ould suggest that you tighten it up a little bit.  Some things are just a little wordy.


Phil

It was an okay script. Aside from a few grammer and spelling problems, it was a good idea.

Yeah, make it a bit tighter.

Well Phil, short scripts are easier to write than longer ones, so for people starting out with writing, shorts are the way to go I suppose.

It does sound like a joke.  Fix the errors and if possible, make it longer.  It could make for a better read.

All the best.


Javier

Thanks for the advice guys, il try to inprove on the next one.

What exactly do you guys mean by "make it tighter" ?

Il work my way up to longer scripts as I continue to improve with shorts ones.

thanks guys.

I don't think it needs to be tighter, but the spelling and grammar are pretty bad.  I have heard this joke before and have told it several times and never was I able to pull if off.  People would look at me funny and stuff.  So  think it works and you pulled it off but get some mechanical help.  

It seemed a bit more of a skit than a movie - but that's ok I'm not all that picky about how I get a laugh.  You did a good job - except you were a somewhat sloppy as it went on and you had quite a few glaring typos.  Would they matter to you shooting it, no, would they matter to me reading it, yes.  Some of the sentence phrasing could also be improved and tightened.  Such as   "Carl is now with his head down and in tears, when at that moment the doctor places his hand on his shoulder."  which could be "Carl cries as he lowers his head. The doctor puts his hand on Carl's shoulder."  Otherwise, I got a good chuckle - even though I've heard the joke before.

thanks mcarnetto appriciate it.

yep it was a joke
walford