Code Red by Gregory Kerrick (DirectorG13) - Short - An extremely paranoid young American woman finds herself in the midst of an imminent terrorist attack. In her own home.  6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Wow. That's cool. Loved your writing style. Loved the story. Don't have much else to say... well done.

I like this as well.. very cool short but I'm not sure about the ending. I felt like it kind of fell short, i mean, such a good build up for something really cool to happen or be revealed but this didn't happen.

Hello Gregory,

Have you read the book 1984?

The story was okay.  It did ramble on in places.  You did have some nice descriptions, and sometimes a little too much.

All the best.


Javier

Thanks for reading guys. I really appreciate the honesty. It's currently in Pre-Production. Filming the first week of Nov.

Quoted from Don Code Red by Gregory Kerrick (DirectorG13) - Short - An extremely paranoid young American woman finds herself in the midst of an imminent terrorist attack. In her own home.  6 pages - pdf, format 8)

This short is a philisophical question mark. Again the problem that plagues nearly all shorts under 10 pages are the amount of unresolved questions that never get answered.  

You attempt to add layers to this short but in the end I am left wondering where this story is going.

Your missing an inciting incident or at least it isn't clear where the turning point the sets the drama really begins.

The girl is already in the middle of a crises, she is scared, but we the audience are left in the dark until we realize it's just a dream.  

Good premise but I think your script needs alot of work structure wise.

hmmm. I disagree. A story shouldn't be forced to speed food the audience. I prefer a film not to answer every question the film raises. Allow the audience to create their own interpretation of the material is what I love and answering EVERY question for the audience is just treating them as if they can't think for themselves. I'm a fan of David Lynch for ex. and he answers little to nothing. :p

I mean it is a 6 page short. There isn't exactly a ton of exposition and structure that can be added.

Really appreciate your honesty though. Thanks!

Quoted from DirectorG13 hmmm. I disagree. A story shouldn't be forced to *spoon fed the audience. I prefer a film not to answer every question the film raises. Allow the audience to create their own interpretation of the material is what I love and answering EVERY question for the audience is just treating them as if they can't think for themselves. I'm a fan of David Lynch for ex. and he answers little to nothing.

I'm 100% behind your comment.  I don't want all the answers given to me on a plate.  I too am a fan of David Lynch, and he certainly makes you think for the answers.  

If everything is told to you, then there is no mystery left.

There are people on these boards that want an explanation for everything.  I can live without an explanation.  

I wonder how many people on these boards needs everything told to them to understand or enjoy the story told before them?

Wow I thought I was the only David Lynch fan on these message boards.  I got my wife to buy the 5 disc David Lynch DVD collection box set for me for a Xmas present. score!

Eric11 I find your reviews “Curiouser and curiouser!”  as Alice would say. You're one director who has got to be every writers worse nightmare.

You say one micro short gag (unprotected sex) that has a begining, middle and punchline fails cause it doesn't have a payoff- even thou it has nothing to do with a payoff. It's just a one note gag with a punchline.  

And now you say in your opinion that this short fails because it has to many unresolved issues.

Can't a short just be a series of metaphor images that are loaded with suggestions? What's wrong with that?

Cause I glanced over this short and that is how I saw it. You've only got to switch on Fox news or CNN or whatever to be jack hammered by sensational, fear enduced news, Finacial crisis, terrorist attack, obesity epidemic, lock your kids up cause the pedaphiles are everywhere.

How I see it is all DirectorG did was take this current trend with the Media and just blew it way, way, way out of porportion.

This is just one of those abstract scripts where the idea is not so great on paper but you could paint some extraordinary visuals with it.

I think a lot of people who visit these messageboards seem to forget that and never look past the script and imagine the visual potential a script will have as a complete produced short.

I just loved the hysteria panic feel you got going with this script The "stay where you are, you're doing just fine" and have live feed on TV of Jules cowering in her room is classic stuff.    



  

Quoted from DirectorG13 hmmm. I disagree. A story shouldn't be forced to speed food the audience. I prefer a film not to answer every question the film raises. Allow the audience to create their own interpretation of the material is what I love and answering EVERY question for the audience is just treating them as if they can't think for themselves. I'm a fan of David Lynch for ex. and he answers little to nothing. :p I mean it is a 6 page short. There isn't exactly a ton of exposition and structure that can be added. Really appreciate your honesty though. Thanks!

1) You keep the audience guessing you don't keep them ignorant. David Lynch's movies have a dreamy surreal feel about them. They are also riddles. However he is a master at giving audiences clues and letting us put the pieces together. You wrong him greatly by saying he anwers little to next to nothing. His movies are full of information but we need to work to put them together.

I am not an expert on David Lynch but I loved Mullholland Drive. It's a master piece and it's solvable. Hence you are right you don't spoon feed your audience (although most people abhor puzzle movies because they just want to be entertained) but you have to give them clues.

2) Your story has no inciting incident. Thus in conclusion you have no story. What you have is called a naration, which is really telling a montage of events with no objective except to provoke the audience to come up with their own ideas. You confirm that in your first response to me.  

At the end of your short she is no better and no worse than  she started off with. That isn't a story that is a naration.

3) Every story needs structure, regardless if it's a 2 page 6 page or 120 page script - and it goes like this.

a) Introduce the world of the protagonist and how he/she interacts in his/her present state. (you did this)
b) Now incite an incident so that his/her world is thrown into turmoil. (unatural state of his/her world). (you did not do this)

- the inciting incident occaussionally comprises of two events, a set up and pay off. You should not delay the second event once you introduce the first.

c) Now tell the story how the protagonist tries to bring his/her world back to it's natural way of being. (you did not do this)

Now what determines the length of the story is the number of turning points, and acts that help the protagnist reach the resolution.

If you take David's Mullholland Drive and layed it down in linear fashion you will see it includes the three points I mentioned above.

I think I am going to write a new post on this topic. I will also write and post a six page short just to show how the story points come into play.

Anyways thanks for responding and good luck with your shorts.

Hey, to each his own. I didn't intend to provoke all of this but I really appreciate the responses. I think we just have completely opposing views. Tonkatough is pretty much right. The film was geared more toward metaphorical imagery, not something I had intended to be a "correctly" structured short. However Eric11, I do understand where you're coming from but that just isn't what I felt like writing for this short. Do I think it's incorrect in how it plays out? No, simply because there is no right way to make films, just as there is no right way to write a story. It either simply works for people or it doesn't.

This is only one of my shorts and something I wrote purely for the fun of writing. I'm having a completely restructured draft of a script I had written about a year ago. I'd love for you to check it out and hear your thoughts. Thanks again!

Quoted from DirectorG13 This is only one of my shorts and something I wrote purely for the fun of writing. I'm having a completely restructured draft of a script I had written about a year ago. I'd love for you to check it out and hear your thoughts. Thanks again!

I would be pleased to check out your script.

I just read the short, and really enjoyed how you paralleled the main character's inner and outer world. The inner world that she created in our own mind was, in fact, far more dangerous and sinister than the actual world she lived in. (Play Guns, Construction Noise...etc.)

You also maintained a high level of intensity throughout, which helped drive the story forward.

As far as the structure of the story goes... I have to disagree with Eric specifically, but agree with him generally. I think you achieved an inciting incident (The attack of the television and news anchor in her dream), however I don't feel like there was resolution.

She wakes up the same person that she was in her dream... she doesn't learn anything from her dream or evolve in any way... she just kind of accepts it as a false reality. (Like Eric was trying to say: There's no payoff) For example, some possible payoffs might be: She smashes her television, she hunts down the news anchor, or trys to connect with the real world in some way, etc.

That's really all I have to add. You already have your ending, where she becomes a slave to the Television, where her fears propogate themselves through the images of men and machine guns...

I'm also a pretty big Lynch fan. While he's created abstract worlds that seem jumbled and out of place, at the end of the experience you, as a viewer, can... how can I say this.... you as a viewer can "FEEL" the complete linear picture at the end.

Sorry for the late post, I just found this website and so far your script is the first that has really apealed to me. Nice Work!

This was good. There was an excellent build up of tension and it felt fresh despite dealing with "terrorism", which is something of a common occurence in scripts.

There is no problem with the structure of the film. I didn't think there were unresolved issues either. The central question that we are asking IE what is going on? Is answered and the script makes a strong and interesting point about the media overload we face every day and the issues of fear and insecurity that it raises.

The only thing that I would criticise slightly is the very last scene. It seemed redundant to me, but maybe I just missed something. I thought it would work without it.  

Rick.

Code Red Teaser Trailer from Gregory Kerrick on Vimeo.

Hey! what the? I been following this short film on that website since last year.

That teaser has been up on the wesite for 4 months. Seeing this is your script Gregory, can you please tell me what the phuck is going on with this short and when will it be finished? It was a great script and I am interested in seeing the finished short.

Observation point: this is the second short script to get its ass scooped out by eric11 and proclaimed to need "a lot of work structure" only to go on and get picked up by a producer. (Pia's maggot script was the other one) What does that tell you?  

Gregory

I really liked this, I found the subject matter very interesting, very Orwellian (1984 being the best book I've ever read). I presume you have read it...if you haven't, check it out pronto, dude.

You painted a fearful and unnerving view of a dystopian future. I liked the use of the televison in the room repeating its jarring mantra over and over, instilling that terror and hysteria in Jules.

This would be a very good script to film, a lot could be done with it. Tone being a priority to convey this disastardly in-the-not-so-distant-future apparition.

Just a word on the formatting; try and keep paragraphs of prose down to to 3 or 4 lines.

I thought Jules ever increasing scream in the closet was a little on the corny side maybe just have her faint and transition that into her waking up.

Why didn't she try another number after the police station offered no help? Instead she smashed it off the ground, breaking it in half. kinda shooting yourself in the foot, no?

Usually the "Oh, it was only a dream" concept is regarded as a lame technique due to its unabashed bastardization throughout the history of storytelling...but I think you made it work here. This is in part due to the fact that her real life descends into her hellish nightmare at the conclusion showing that its not all sweetness and light in the real world too. The fine line between her percieved horrific nightmare and whats going on around her becomes increasingly blurred.

Overall, I thought this was extremely well written piece, you packed a lot in there for 6 pages. Some will say its over written in parts but that didn't bother me as your phrasing, vocabulary and descriptions were rich, vivid and diverse.

You certainly have a good command of the language. A pity its not all that important when it comes to scriptwriting, in fact as I'm sure you know by now, its discouraged more than anything.

Keep this kind of stuff up, man. I'd be interested to read more from you. Try and find that happy medium between exhibiting your elequent, florid use of words while at the same time keeping tight, regulatory control over it...basically don't get too carried away.

All in all, very good job, sir

Col.

You know, her not calling anyone else could be taken one of two ways: She has no one else to call or she's completely illogical and didn't think. But I see what you mean. I just needed the story to keep moving along. I didn't want to linger on a cell phone.

I really appreciate you taking the time to read it though.

And Tonka, the Code Red short is still being worked on. There was a delay in production but we're getting back on track. I didn't direct myself, I just wrote it and handed it off to another filmmaker. We exchange emails occasionally and he's getting production back on track.

And eric11 is just very narrow-minded when it comes to altering formula. He's extremely textbook about screenwriting but that's okay! He's just a tough critic. However, I've yet to see any scripts from him whatsoever so it'd be nice to see what he can do but yeah, he's just a tough critic. Don't get too beaten up about his opinion. You can't please everyone.

Thanks again for reading it guys!

Gregory,

That little teaser looks excellent.

Nice one.

Andrew

Hey Greg, just came across this one.  Interesting little script, here.

Couple things I wanted to throw out...

1)  Your writing style here is...different.  You definitely achieved the effect you were after with your sentence structure.  Short incomplete fragments, followed by more of the same, gives this a very fast feel and pace.  I think it worked here, being a short and going for paranoia, but the majority of these fragments could/should be joined together with a comma.  Not trying to be nitpicky, and again, for what this is, it worked as is, but this style gets old quickly, and wouldn't work in a longer piece.

2)  As Kol said, watch your blocks of text.  I think you could have achieved an even better effect with shorter blocks (paragraphs), and even more 1 liners.  But this is all cosmetic, and really doesn't alter what this is or how it will look on film.  Just something to think about.

3)  I didn't really get the end.  I have absolutely no problem with ambiguity, in fact, I love it and totally appreciate it.  I just don't quite get it here.

4)  I'd recommend changing your characters age. Not many 20 years olds I'm aware of live in their own house.  I think she should be much older, personally.

5)  I've had some run-ins with Eric11, as well, and can't stand his smug attitude towards screenwriting.  Someone else put it quite well, that he is 150% by the book, and everything has to be a certain way, at a certain time, blah, blah, blah.  BS!  Nothing has to be any certain way.  I totally appreciate anyone who attempts to break the mold.  It all comes down to whether or not it works.

I'd say this works for what it is, and you should be proud of that.  Nicely done.