Good Cop, Bad Cop by Javier Torregrosa (jayrex) - Short, Comedy - Nobody wants Rick around and a dilemma ensues.  But how is the situation resolved?  7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Okay I'm annoyed. Annoyed that I didn't think of this idea before! Argh!

It is VERY funny Javier.

Love the idea. love what you've done with it. I cracked up with the last line.

Witty and smart. Well done.

BTW, you said 'fourth' instead of 'forth' on page 5.

Thanks Tommy,

I'm happy you enjoyed it.

This idea is the reason why I started to write scripts.  I was chatting with my writer friend who said hold that thought.  He went off to get a pen and paper and as I joked about the scenario of God & The Devil in a room or something like that, he jotted down my idea.  I realised I had to keep my ideas to myself.

This script is a wee bit like I remembered.  I'm not 100% if it's what I had originally thought.  But I'm happy with the results.

I'm not sure if I've read any of your scripts yet, but I'll keep a look out for them.  Or if you point them out.

All the best.


Javier

P.S. THE REWRITE'S ON THE 27 POST

This is a clever scenario, with an interesting reversal of the roles we might usually expect from these characters -- but as an early script, this also suffers from a common (but correctable) set of problems.

You have written this script for a reader -- not an audience of viewers -- and you need to begin thinking about how your imagination plays out on the screen, not the written page.  You have left out significant details that need to be filled in before this could ever be filmed.

A primary example of this problem occurs right up front, when you introduce Purgatory, God, and the Devil.

How is the viewer supposed to know this is purgatory?  Is there a sign or something?  We need visual cues.  You need to help your director and your cinematographer with a little descriptive work.  What does Purgatory look like, anyway?

Same thing with God and the Devil.  Just because you name them in the script does not mean we will know who they are.

In fact, most viewers will probably assume the roles are reversed -- seeing your tough-talking, rib-punching God as the Devil -- and missing the joke entirely.  You need to tell us what these characters look like in a way that makes it clear to a viewer who they are.

Then you have Jesus just appear, in response to a question, without ever introducing him into the scene.  Same thing with Adolf.  Is this supposed to be Hitler?  Who knows?  These are additional problems with the narrative -- but again, problems that are easily remedied.

This is a funny idea, and again, the reversal of the traditional roles for God and the Devil is a strength here that helps this feel unique.  The final payoff closes the piece well.

With some clever set design and costume work, this could play out very well, and you would help this script fly if you introduced some of those details into this story.

Hello Bert,

Quoted from bert you need to begin thinking about how your imagination plays out on the screen, not the written page.  You have left out significant details that need to be filled in before this could ever be filmed. A primary example of this problem occurs right up front, when you introduce Purgatory, God, and the Devil.

First of all.  Great comments.  And thank you for reading my script.

You're right.  I did write this mainly for the reader rather than for the director.  If I'm going to get good feedback.  Then this script is worth editing for the benefit of the director.  

The problem with Purgatory is that it was invented by a Pope centuries ago as a place for unbaptised babies to go too.  This has been abolished with the last ten years I believe.  Anyway, I think the location would have to be moved to an empty warehouse or as the title suggests, a police station interrogation room.

God and The Devil.  Isn't this the job of the make-up artist?  Horns on the Devil etc...

Quoted from bert What does Purgatory look like, anyway?

Not sure.  It's pretty vague from what I've learnt.

Quoted from bert Then you have Jesus just appear, in response to a question, without ever introducing him into the scene.  Same thing with Adolf.  Is this supposed to be Hitler?  Who knows?  These are additional problems with the narrative -- but again, problems that are easily remedied.

I'll have to introduce Jesus & Adolf Hitler.  But the idea was that Jesus would all of a sudden appear from no-where.  So the audience would have no introduction.  So I'd rewrite the script for the benefit of the director.

Quoted from bert With some clever set design and costume work, this could play out very well, and you would help this script fly if you introduced some of those details into this story.

I sense a rewrite around the corner. :-)

Kind regards,


Javier

Great help there Bert. For me as well as Javier!

Javier, you read The New Boy by me. I'm the "horny teenager" remember? :) haha.

I like reading your stuff. It's usually funny when it's supposed to be, and I learn stuff from you.

More scripts will come from me soon! Keep your eye/computer mouse out for them.

Hey Javier,

I really liked this script, It was very entertaining. The introduction of Jesus was hilarious! I also thought the end was a great punch line.

My only problem is that you didn't write any descriptions. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to be picturing the devil and god as standard looking cops or as the classic demon/angel image. Everything was basically left up to the reader to decide.

On the other hand this could work in your favour. If this is ever created into a short film, (It would be a very easy shoot) The director has a lot of freedom on how to present it. If you had described purgatory as a big open wasteland and the devil as a giant winged beast then I'm sure it would deter a lot of low budget filmmakers.
You've written a script which gives any potential producers the chance to visualise it according to their budget and skills.

Overall I really enjoed it.

Good work.

Hey Javier, this was pretty good.

I thought the idea was really good and the humour hit the right notes. Have to agree with Bert about the introductions of Jesus and Adolf though. You can still have them just appear, but describe them walking in the door or something. It just seems a bit weird as it is.

Funny read though.

Hey Javier

You've got plenty of good pointers from previous posts so I won't bore you with the same. I thought the concept was great and with the changes will be an even better script. I love the role reversals of God and the Devil. Also the dialogue was very good too.

Quoted from Dreamlogic Hey Javier, I really liked this script, It was very entertaining. The introduction of Jesus was hilarious! I also thought the end was a great punch line.

That's very nice compliment.

Quoted from Dreamlogic My only problem is that you didn't write any descriptions. On the other hand this could work in your favour. You've written a script which gives any potential producers the chance to visualise it according to their budget and skills.

This sounds optimistic to me.  Hope this could work in my favour.  I hope so.  But just in case, I'll do a rewrite.

Quoted from Dreamlogic Overall I really enjoed it. Good work.

Thanks Dreamlogic.

Quoted from SteBrown I thought the idea was really good and the humour hit the right notes. Have to agree with Bert about the introductions of Jesus and Adolf though. You can still have them just appear, but describe them walking in the door or something. Funny read though.

Hey Ste,

Thanks for the read, happy you enjoyed it.

I will take in Bert's tip.  We're all in the same boat here.  I wrote this very quickly, had a mate that viewed it to spot mistakes etc...  And as always there is always going to be an overhaul of some description.  And in this case, descriptions.

Quoted from alffy I thought the concept was great and with the changes will be an even better script. I love the role reversals of God and the Devil. Also the dialogue was very good too.

Hey Alffy,

Thanks for the read.  Happy you enjoyed my script.  This concept was trapped in my memory for three years, and last month I finally released it. :-)

King regards


Javier

Hey Javier,

I thought this was a clever concept and I got a couple of chuckles out of it.  The ending seemed a bit more like the punchline of a long joke.  I wasn't sure exactly how you saw this done - live action? Sometimes it seemed a little South Park - so maybe animation?

There are tons of ways this could have been done and the path you chose is as valid as the rest of them, so I really don't have any comments on how you can improve the story.  

Strangely enough, the one thing that bothered me the most was your description of the table in the beginning.  Did you really need to be that detailed?  I didn't see anything about the fact that the table had four legs later in the story.

The whole thing reminded me of this joke I heard.

The pope died and went to heaven.  When he got there God gave him a humble small one bedroom apartment on the first floor of a luxury high rise.  The pope was aghast at the accommodations.  

"I was the pope," he says, "Why can't I have a better room? Why can't I live in the penthouse".  

"Because the penthouse is occupied by a lawyer." says God.  

"A lawyer", yells the pope, "Surely I have led a holier life than him?"      

"There is a crowd of pope's in heaven" states God, "But there is only one lawyer."

Very clever concept and the script was an entertaining read. Most of the things I noticed while reading have already been mentioned (lack of character introductions, though I enjoyed Jesus' on-cue appearance, ambiguity of how to picture God and the Devil).

Also, I'm not sure how you pictured Adolf in this one, but I pictured a flamboyant assistant-to-the-devil sitting at a desk in the corner or something. Delving into his relationship with Satan a bit more could add some more humor. Overall a very enjoyable read.

Haha. This is one your best scripts (i'm not including Family Guy scripts).

Now that i think, it looked a little like that south park film with Sadam and the Devil. I'm not sure it would work in live-action, but who knows.

All the best of luck with it.

Cheers

Quoted from mcornetto I wasn't sure exactly how you saw this done - live action? Sometimes it seemed a little South Park - so maybe animation?

I hadn't pictured it as animation or like South Park.  But now I'm thinking about it, maybe if it was filmed like Sin City, then it might work.

Quoted from mcornetto Strangely enough, the one thing that bothered me the most was your description of the table in the beginning.  Did you really need to be that detailed?

I'm not sure, maybe as there is a lack of furniture and features that I thought best to describe the one object that the short would be filmed around.

Quoted from mcornetto The whole thing reminded me of this joke I heard.

Maybe I subconsciously heard this joke or something similar and what I thought up was a variant of it years latter.  Who knows?

Thanks for the read and happy you enjoyed it.

Kind regards


Javier

Quoted from bobtheballa Very clever concept and the script was an entertaining read. Most of the things I noticed while reading have already been mentioned (lack of character introductions, though I enjoyed Jesus' on-cue appearance, ambiguity of how to picture God and the Devil).

The Jesus cue is abit of a surprise introduction, but as Bert mentioned.  I'll have to write an introduction for the director which I agree on.

Quoted from bobtheballa Also, I'm not sure how you pictured Adolf in this one, but I pictured a flamboyant assistant-to-the-devil sitting at a desk in the corner or something. Delving into his relationship with Satan a bit more could add some more humor. Overall a very enjoyable read.

I think anybody flamboyant would be a distraction away from the main story.  Nice idea though.

Happy you enjoyed it.

King regards


Javier

Quoted from NiK Haha. This is one your best scripts (i'm not including Family Guy scripts).

Thanks Nik.  Still need to rewrite three of my Family Guy scripts to post to L.A.  So busy lately.  Working in a bank is a nightmare at the moment as you can imagine.

Quoted from NiK Now that i think, it looked a little like that south park film with Sadam and the Devil. I'm not sure it would work in live-action, but who knows.

As I just thought up, maybe a comic book film look.  Sin City is a great template to use.  What do you think?

Happy you like this script.

Kind regards,


Javier

Hey Javier,

Nice premise but like Bert said, the packaging is not as nice. There are tons of ways to improve the script especially in the visuals department, you know, to make the story flow much better in the reader's imagination.

There was some truely funny moments there (Jesus Christ!) but the end didn't work for me that well. As a punchline it needs to be seriuosly OOOMPPH'ed.

Cheers
Rob

Hey Rob,

Thanks for the read,

Quoted from sniper Nice premise but like Bert said, the packaging is not as nice. There are tons of ways to improve the script especially in the visuals department, you know, to make the story flow much better in the reader's imagination.

The rewrite is on it's way.  I have a competition to enter.  I'll try fix and add more descriptions.  In a few weeks time.  My pile of rewrites is climbing and climbing. lol.

Quoted from sniper There was some truely funny moments there (Jesus Christ!) but the end didn't work for me that well. As a punchline it needs to be seriuosly OOOMPPH'ed.

I liked the ending, but if you're thinking for a shocking punchline.  I might add a line to refer to numerous other women that would like to have a word with Rick.  Maybe extend it for another scene or two.

Kind regards,


Javier

Well I read it and can't really add anything.  

Bert pretty much said a lot of what I was thinking.

However, costume wise-- I think the Devil should wear something like Ralph Lauren/Duke of Windsor and custom made Borelli shirts.  Maybe God could sport some Alan Stuart clothing or a suit with some loud Versace tie.

I don't know, just thinking up some creative stuff to set them apart.

Happy that you read it Slabstaa,

Now I need ScriptGirl to read it.  Could write her a very special part to play.  And then she could dress up as Santa's little helper.

All the best Slabstaa

Javier

God with a bad cop attitude. Oh man, that's gold. I haven't seen anything that funny and genius since Satan and Sadam are gay lovers in hell.

Didn't fully understand the point of the short or the story but I guess it has something to do with how sinners can sin and sin and sin some more and at the end of the day if they get in quick before they die and repent and confess their love to Lord  Jesus Christ they get to behold the glory of Heaven.

I always found that Christian ideal kind of dodgey, suspicious and worthy of scrutiny as I think you have done with your script.

Once again just like with your Abortion script you have attacked a touchy subject with those big soft green rubber Hulk hands that children play with.

But yeah I still stand by God's bad cop routine is still gold and worth the read alone.        

Hi tonkatough,

Thanks for the read,

Quoted from tonkatough God with a bad cop attitude. Oh man, that's gold. I haven't seen anything that funny and genius since Satan and Sadam are gay lovers in hell.

We've all seen different reincarnations of God over the years.  I've never seen a bad ass attitude of God.  I think I managed it.

Quoted from tonkatough Didn't fully understand the point of the short or the story but I guess it has something to do with how sinners can sin and sin and sin some more and at the end of the day if they get in quick before they die and repent and confess their love to Lord  Jesus Christ they get to behold the glory of Heaven. I always found that Christian ideal kind of dodgey, suspicious and worthy of scrutiny as I think you have done with your script.

Hole in one.  I always thought how weird it was giving someone who has been bad all their life, a backdoor routé to heaven.  It doesn't make since, and it's not fair to the honest hard working individuals.

Quoted from tonkatough Once again just like with your Abortion script you have attacked a touchy subject with those big soft green rubber Hulk hands that children play with.

What's next on the agenda for me I wonder?

Quoted from tonkatough But yeah I still stand by God's bad cop routine is still gold and worth the read alone.

I think I should add a warning for the parents out there.

Happy you liked the script,

Kind regards,


Javier

Hey Javier,

Thanks for reading my script! I think I've read some of your stuff at MP. Was this a MP entry?

Anyway, I really enjoyed "reading" it, but like Bert said you need to think of this more cinematically. Try to add/change some of the things in this script to be more visually interesting.

The concept/idea is good, it just has to be more than a lot of dialogue. Describe Purgatory, God and the devil. This is really good and I'm sure you can fix this one up to be great on film as well.

Good job and good luck with it.  :-)

Hi Pia,

Thanks for reading my script.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Was this a MP entry?

I've only recently joined MP.  And if you've read all of this months reverse scripts, then you've read mine.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Anyway, I really enjoyed "reading" it, but like Bert said you need to think of this more cinematically. Try to add/change some of the things in this script to be more visually interesting.

After the OWC, I'll rewriting this one.

Quoted from Grandma Bear The concept/idea is good, it just has to be more than a lot of dialogue. Describe Purgatory, God and the devil. This is really good and I'm sure you can fix this one up to be great on film as well. Good job and good luck with it.  :-)

I think dialogue is the most important aspect of any script followed by the descriptions.  I'll be looking to add/improve descriptions.

Thanks for the read and comments. :-)

King regards


Jaiver

"I think dialogue is the most important aspect of any script followed by the descriptions.  I'll be looking to add/improve descriptions."

Film is a visual medium. One of the best scripts on this site uses no dialogue at all....

Jayrex
Should fourth be forth. (p5)
The lawyer theme was a bit too distracting, maybe one line about lawyers, so that the story focuses on the main characters, or have Ricks lawyer in the room with him and let the lawyer come out on top by playing all parties against each other for more money. Same as they do when they are alive.
Assuming God et al has powers etc the why don’t they flip Rick upside down spin him around, hold up him up on the ceiling etc. I would expect something like this, as the characters are not your average cops and its not a typical situation.
I liked the idea and it had some funny moments. It took me a little while to get into the story as the strong unexpected dialogue threw me in the absence of a detailed description. eg if God had a tattoo and the Devil was smoking a joint then the dialogue would have bounced of that description a bit quicker. Overall great idea and I enjoyed the read. walford

Thanks for the read Walford

Quoted from walford Jayrex Should fourth be forth. (p5)

Noted, will fix it.

Quoted from walford The lawyer theme was a bit too distracting, maybe one line about lawyers, so that the story focuses on the main characters, or have Ricks lawyer in the room with him and let the lawyer come out on top by playing all parties against each other for more money. Same as they do when they are alive.

I toyed with this idea but felt that it was too distracting.  I could have gone down many routés and I chose not to deter away from the main interrogation.

Quoted from walford Assuming God et al has powers etc the why don’t they flip Rick upside down spin him around, hold up him up on the ceiling etc. I would expect something like this, as the characters are not your average cops and its not a typical situation.

I think this would be a little over the top.  If we're going to show powers etc...  Then anything can happen.  You could end this story in the first page.

Quoted from walford I liked the idea and it had some funny moments. It took me a little while to get into the story as the strong unexpected dialogue threw me in the absence of a detailed description.

I will be adding descriptions.  I wanted to mainly focus on dialogue.

Quoted from walford Overall great idea and I enjoyed the read. walford

Thanks for taking your time to read my script.  I'll look forward to reading your work.

Kind regards,


Javier

Good Cop, Bad Cop Extended Version



I've received some very positive feedback on this script so I've decided to lengthen it.  

I'm not sure if it works better now.

I went into this based on the title alone, expecting this to be a spoof on one of Hollywood's most tired cliches (which it was). I didn't even read the logline so naturally, all the religious nonsense kinda caught me by surprise...

That said, this was heavenly (pun most definitely intended). Blasphemous enough for the people who dig this sorta thing (which I do) but not so much that it feels forced, mean spirited, or exploitative. Also, I've always felt the whole death bed repentance thing was ripe with both comedic and dramatic potential, not to mention damn near unexplored. Needless to say, this brought more than a smile to my face.

In terms of what you can do to make this better, I would work on some of your deliveries. There's definitely some dynamite gags here but I still think they could be a little punchier. Perhaps trimming the fat on some of the dialogue. Not that there's all that much but the humor here lies in simplicity and I think most of these gags could come off even sharper. Perhaps some attention to your visuals as well. These guys are in a featureless room the whole time. Not that there's not action going on but maybe they need a few more things to do in between rants.

Anyway, definitely a pleasant surprise this one. Thanks for that.

Hi James,

Thanks for the read, happy you found this a pleasant surprise.  I'm glad this extended version works.

I'll definitely will look into the dialogue and see where I can make it even more punchier, and trim bits & pieces.  I totally agree with the action part.  It was the most difficult part to beef up.

As long as I know this rewrite works then I know I'm heading in the right direction.

I do have one extra scene that I haven't written yet regarding the first moment Rick appears in heaven.

Kind regards,


Javier

Jay

I read this a while back, din't know why I didn't comment.

Ya I liked this, you put out some solid work. (I really dug the "The Wife's Not Speaking")

Its comedy in itself seeing the character name "GOD" followed by the line -- "I know you did it you little bastard."

DEVIL
Was there any need for that?
Com'on. -- I loved the way you spelt out "com'on", clever.

So we got a great opening few lines here.

In fact the whole first scene till Rick asks "Hey guys. Can you turn the main
light on instead?" is pretty much flawless in my opinion, great stuff, man.

Ha ha the name "LUKE" really got me, I know he's an apostle but the it just struck me as funny in this context.

The introduction of Jesus is a nice touch but I think you over done it a bit with the "go to your room" line. Again its a great idea & could be used to great effect.

Funny introduction again with Hitler but this line "He'll be spitting obscenities at you." fell rather limp for me. I'm sure Adolf could come up with something a bit better then that.

You redeemed yourself by having him holding the phone & pressing the speed dial key for the Devil's lawyer, I loved that.

My one major drawback is the character of Rick. From what he says, his attitude etc, its hard to know what kind of a person he is. One minute he is quoting from the bible(although that don't mean shit I suppose) the next we here he has slaughtered a number of people.

He just doesn't come across or "feel" like a serial killer, his words & actions are not consistent with such a profile. I found him too bland & rather forgettable.

Maybe have him try to stoke the fire between the two, manipulate them into getting into heaven which I presume he wants...and he ultimately gets, though its thru no doing of his own. He takes a back seat for most of the proceeding. (Of course this may have been your intention)

Not sure on the ending, very sudden (maybe cos I was enjoying it so much I didn't want it to end)

Yep once again you have provided me with a great read, cheers man . I Would love to see it produced, its more then worthy of a place on screen,  great work.

Col.

Hey Col,

Thanks for the read.  Happy you enjoyed this one.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Ya I liked this, you put out some solid work. (I really dug the "The Wife's Not Speaking")

Quoted from Colkurtz8 The introduction of Jesus is a nice touch but I think you over done it a bit with the "go to your room" line. Again its a great idea & could be used to great effect.

Sometimes it's a little hard to tell when I've gone too far.  It's just unrealistic and that's why I wrote it.  I do think I have to cut back in some areas with the dialogue and add more description.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Funny introduction again with Hitler but this line "He'll be spitting obscenities at you." fell rather limp for me. I'm sure Adolf could come up with something a bit better then that.

I thought that line was alright.  I could have made it worst but with Hitler being Hitler, might make this script go a little over the top if I made it an evil line.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 My one major drawback is the character of Rick. From what he says, his attitude etc, its hard to know what kind of a person he is. One minute he is quoting from the bible(although that don't mean shit I suppose) the next we hear he has slaughtered a number of people.

Rick was a bad guy turned good.  His attitude during this script I believe doesn't represent a good or bad but more nonchalant.  A person thrown into an unusual situation.  It's like his judgement day but really in the end of the day.  The Devil and God argue against each other and Rick's in the way.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 He just doesn't come across or "feel" like a serial killer, his words & actions are not consistent with such a profile. I found him too bland & rather forgettable.

This is true.  If I think of another idea, I'll try to improve on Rick's overall character.  Most of the dialogue has Rick out of the picture.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Maybe have him try to stoke the fire between the two, manipulate them into getting into heaven which I presume he wants...and he ultimately gets, though its thru no doing of his own. He takes a back seat for most of the proceeding. (Of course this may have been your intention)

Rick certainly takes a back seat.  The stoking up part.  I could draw on the histories of both characters more.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Not sure on the ending, very sudden (maybe cos I was enjoying it so much I didn't want it to end)

And here's me thinking I've wrote too much.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Yep once again you have provided me with a great read, cheers man . I Would love to see it produced, its more then worthy of a place on screen,  great work.

I've had people interested in this script.  So hopefully soon it'll get produced.  Fingers crossed.

Kind regards,


Javier

Good Cop, Bad Cop

I'm bumping this short script of mine to see if I can get any additional reads for this new and revised draft.  The director Andrew David has added his touches.

As well as your general thoughts, could you answer the following questions?

1) Do you understand why Toby has ended up in an interrogation room with God and the Devil?
2) Is here anything that didn't make sense to you?
3) Is there anything you really liked?
4) What did the cup of oil mean in the penultimate shot?

p.s.
Those large paragraphs at the beginning are by the director.

Hey Javier,

Just read the new version that you have posted. I think there are good and bad points in comparison to your original draft. The good thing is it feels like more of a complete story and has a more cinematic feel to it. The beginning is better in that we see how the guy died and why he ends up where he is.

The bad is that there is way too much description and everything is over described. It feels like a fairly heavy read and could do with some shortening. The biggest problem I had was the overuse of wrylies. I don't think I have ever read a script that had so many redundant directives on how dialogue was supposed to be delivered. It is very clunky and somewhat annoying. Also too much detail on where someone has their hands or what position they are standing in or whatever. Cut out all this and the wrylies and you can probably trim five pages off the script right there.

It needs some editing, there are some typos and grammar mistakes throughout. A couple of times you refer to him as Rick instead of Toby. Also a lot of passive verbiage, lots of 'is sitting' instead of 'sits' etc. You could just give it a polish and crispen it up, make it sharper. To be honest I think you could get this in at 12 pages with a decent edit. A lot of the dialogue is unnecessary, in that it feels like the same points are being discussed over and over. The scene with God and the devil in the nightclub I would just cut out completely, doesn't help the story. The same with the whole part about the cannibal guy, it is not really advancing the main story. It just drags it out for a bit longer.

Not sure about the ending. If there are a bunch of women chasing him is it clear that he has done something to them all? What has he done actually, has he killed these women or was he just some sort of peeping tom as implied in the opening scenes?

Don't want to sound harsh, I just think there are a lot of ways you can edit this to be a smoother piece. And I'm not sure how much of this script you have written and how much the director has written, it can be tough sometimes if you both have different ideas on what to include. Hope some of this helps.

Cheers,
Tim.

Hello Tim,

Thanks for the read, very much appreciated.

Quoted from Trojan Just read the new version that you have posted. I think there are good and bad points in comparison to your original draft. The good thing is it feels like more of a complete story and has a more cinematic feel to it. The beginning is better in that we see how the guy died and why he ends up where he is.

For your points in the first paragraph.  The director will probably like to hear that it's a more complete story.  I added the the scenes at the beginning to explain a bit more.

Quoted from Trojan The bad is that there is way too much description and everything is over described. It feels like a fairly heavy read and could do with some shortening. The biggest problem I had was the overuse of wrylies. I don't think I have ever read a script that had so many redundant directives on how dialogue was supposed to be delivered. It is very clunky and somewhat annoying. Also too much detail on where someone has their hands or what position they are standing in or whatever. Cut out all this and the wrylies and you can probably trim five pages off the script right there.

If you read my 2nd draft on post 27, you will see the difference between my script and this one where the director has added all this description.  He's added the wrylies, positions etc...  That is all of the directors touches.  I would never write such large paragraphs and so many wrylies.  He actually extended the script by six pages, but when it's filmed it will be quick.

Did you notice all the 'little' words used?  Apart from one, the director added them.  Don't think they work personally.  But we'll see come the day.

Quoted from Trojan It needs some editing, there are some typos and grammar mistakes throughout. A couple of times you refer to him as Rick instead of Toby. Also a lot of passive verbiage, lots of 'is sitting' instead of 'sits' etc. You could just give it a polish and crispen it up, make it sharper. To be honest I think you could get this in at 12 pages with a decent edit. A lot of the dialogue is unnecessary, in that it feels like the same points are being discussed over and over. The scene with God and the devil in the nightclub I would just cut out completely, doesn't help the story. The same with the whole part about the cannibal guy, it is not really advancing the main story. It just drags it out for a bit longer.

Again, the mistakes are by the director.  He's renamed my lead character to Toby from Rick.  I don't use 'is' words nor 'sitting' words.  The director has never really written a script, just reads them.

The nightclub scene was an earlier thought from when I wrote a lot of Family Guy scripts.  It won't last more than ten seconds so isn't long.  As the dialogue is usually quick and snappy going by what I've wrote, then I'm hoping the cannibal scenes won't drag along when it comes to the filming.

Quoted from Trojan Not sure about the ending. If there are a bunch of women chasing him is it clear that he has done something to them all? What has he done actually, has he killed these women or was he just some sort of peeping tom as implied in the opening scenes?

That ending isn't the real ending as it will be shown after the credits or during.  But may get cut.  Again it won't last more than five/ten seconds.

Quoted from Trojan Don't want to sound harsh, I just think there are a lot of ways you can edit this to be a smoother piece. And I'm not sure how much of this script you have written and how much the director has written, it can be tough sometimes if you both have different ideas on what to include. Hope some of this helps.

Everything you've pointed out has been down to the director, to help him understand.  I hope I've explained everything.

All the best,


Javier

Overall, this was a very good read to me. I really didn't like GOD using the word FUCK. Kinda rubed me the wrong way. Made him sound like he was on the verge of not being in control or something. I can't quite put my finger on it.

The JESUS scene has been discusse several times so I won't go into it, but I feel the same as gthe other posters regarding the GO TO YOUR ROOM comment.

It was engaging and has a cute punchline, btu it did kinda feel like just that, a punchline instead of an ending. Sandra came along a bit late in the story.

I think you have a real cool style of writing that is very unique. Keep up the clever writing. That is what sets you apart.

Shawn....><

Javier,

Review as promised. I see you've a director attached, nice. English outfit too. Very nice. So all my thoughts on typos and grammar are irrelevant. I think we can both breathe easy on that one.

My reviews have become fairly verbose of late. I figured you're looking for opinions at the mo so I told you as much as I could.

Just one gripe it would pain me not to mention. In England we spell those things at the edge of the road as 'kerb', not 'curb'. As Bowie once sang 'This Is Not America', not yet at least.

Not too sure if your credit on the title page is entirely fair to you. Maybe you're fine with it so ignore if you're happy. I'm intrigued by it as he's just tacked on an intro hasn't he?

On to the story. I did read the original, long while ago. I didn't comment as I didn't really have anything to say that hadn't already been said. Anyways. I get where the director's going with the start. It's all fair enough, functional writing, not that exciting to read but we're going for images, seems fair enough. Frankly I'd have been more intrigued if I hadn't known how Toby had met his fate. That question would have been in the back of my head whilst reading until I found out...

It's bloody hard to read those initial bits. I kept having to reread them as I was getting lost. Been a long day, might just be me. The main point here is if SS folks are looking on the latest comments  then the gripes on the script's quality of writing will put them off. As you're seeking opinions this is a bit of a problem. It didn't put me off but then I ain't like most folks, so folks say anyway. It'd be a bloody shame too as I remember this script as being quite a good one. I'm not alone either.

Not sure I buy the crack on the head business. Might work, but on film I imagine it wouldn't seem quite enough. I know it's cheaper and easier to film but couldn't someone do something to poor old Tobe? He'd gain a lot more sympathy from the audience that way.

As this seems more like a shooting script than the previous draft I was bit surprised there wasn't more description (apart from attire) of God and Devil. Beards / No beards / make up. In other words I don't how I know these guys are the big fellas, apart from the script told me they were. I read two blokes in suits. In your first script that didn't matter so much. I figured then that if it came to be filmed then that would everybody's else's problem when/if it got filmed. As it's that enviable stage now of getting done this seems a bit slack to me. A  missed opportunity.

Not sure the devil in a black suit would work. Since Reservoir Dogs and all those films that have followed, I for one am getting bloody well sick of bad guys in black suits. Jesus Christ Almighty, you'd think someone would try something new, just for the hell of it, for the love of God and all that is holey. All puns intended. Re humbly apologies to all those reading with a sensitive and acute humour. You should read my scripts...

Just to summarise. I was expecting the director to put some more details in there.

By the way, I comment as I read. I'll summarise my thoughts as a whole at the end.

I like the collection box. Good little prop. I'd like to see a bit of detail on the front of Toby's file. Date of birth, IQ or the like. Something to separate him from all the other ones still walking around. Of course using this idea will mean I need a co-credit. Or a wanker's draft, sorry, a banker's wank. Oh deedums,  you know what I mean.

God's opening is priceless in my book. Sets the scene and the tone very well. We've an idea where we're going. It's the high point so far. That'll get a few laughs.

Quoted from Good Cop, Bad Cop DEVIL - C’mon, got to get this over and done with, I’m scheduled to play Devils Advocate between Iran and the West.

I might have a fuzzy memory but I think your opening lines for the previous draft for the devil were better. Either way that didn't work too well for me.

I see from previous comments that people are rather offended by God swearing and using 'foul' language. Scriptwise this was a big plus for me. You don't state which God it is, everyone's got a different one in my book. For your info I'm a lapsed Catholic. In my head this means I was brought up a Catholic before I knew better and before I copped on. I'm entitled to my opinion, I think everyone is. I ain't saying I'm right, I'm just saying what I think.

A look at http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com on a regular basis. It gives some interesting ideas on what's getting bought these days. They just mentioned paretheticals are getting popular, for a change. I ain;t a fan but maybe I've read too many writing guides. If you're happy and the director's happy with them my opinion on them is somewhat obselete. Their plus is I get the idea exactly of how you meant the line to be delivered. They're a bit rough on the actors though, doesn't give them a lot of room to play with. In my humble they could do with shortening.

E.G. (with a smile on his face) could just be 'smiling'

If I'd wrote this I'd be feeling hard done by with the Supers on page 4.

I notice there's no real credit sequence. Not a complaint but it just leaves me wondering.

I promised no typo comments. However there's one driving me up the wall. Let me off once okay? The devils is wrong. Should be "devil's" as he is the only devil around. [Tyops cmomnets are now swticehd to off]

There's huge details in this script. I'm beginning to wonder why? Do we really need to know -

Quoted from Good Cop, Bad Cop TOBY is sitting on an unvarnished, four legged, old looking wooden chair in front of a similar looking table.

Seems a bit bizarre and novelish. Okay I know this is well on the way to celluloid but still. I've no problem reading about all the objects on the table, that's fine to me, but intricate details about, what is after all, just a chair is waaayy into overwriting, even to me. I'm fond of detail but scripts should lack it unless there is a big point [my thanks to LC for making that crystal clear].

Quoted from Good Cop, Bad Cop TOBY is dressed as we first met him but there is no blood on him now

Not the best phrasing so far. Unless he's changed clothes I see little point in mentioning it. You could have said "Toby appears exactly the same, except he's unmarked." I'll refrain from grammar and phrasing comments too now, let's stick to story.

To be continued...

...continued as promised.

Jesus it's late. But I'll finish this, God help me. Oh, he's not answering. Again. Typ-ic-al. Bugger. Omnipresent beings seem to lack the ability to appear when summoned. Or they're/Him are/is just plain old rude. Funny, certain Governers/Republicans seem able to summon them at will. Stop it.

Anyways -

Quoted from GC, BC script GOD (almost frustrated, through his teeth) I know you did it you little bastard... (beat) ...so why not save us all some time and confess? TOBY looks petrified.

...made me laugh out loud, not something I'm too prone to. Can't go far wrong with those lines. I see and am pleased by the fact that God's language doesn't lighten.  Swearing can be an awesome device.

Quoted from GC, BC script The DEVIL smiles in past triumph.

I've got no idea what that means. I know he smiles, I just don't know why.

Quoted from GC, BC script He’s not allowed to read your mind anymore, or watch your every move. TOBY (astonished) Really?

Excellent. Now you've got my full attention.
As an aside here, Ive been imagining this playing out on the screen. If I didn't know their names I'd be still unclear as to who was who and what the bloody hell was happening. Maybe that's part of the plan. I've not yet read the previous comments in detail so I might have missed something. Did I?

Quoted from GC, BC script TOBY has an epiphany of a loophole now he is grasping onto the situation which is unfolding around him.

This reminded of a line in one of the Matrix sequel scripts. It went something like 'Neo tries to comprehend how one machine can love another machine'. Both lines are completely unfilmable but both tell the reader what should be going through the actor's mind and what's going on. I'm not completely against the occasional one of those but you know yourself they're pushing that 'what the fuck' button with readers.
Your problem is Neo's instruction requires an expression which doesn't matter a whole bunch to the audience if he manages to convey it or not (opinions on the result differ). However Toby's instruction is pretty much impossible to convey. If it's important then you're knackered IMH as Laurence Olivier or Alec Guiness couldn't manage that. And those guys were really good.

I don't know yet if this is important but, if it is, then those instructions are completely reduntant to everybody, except maybe the actor as actior coaching.

Quoted from GC BC script You do not want to cross paths with me.

This God fella, he's got some strange lines. I can buy the swearing and all the earlier lines but that line stuck out. Would He say that? Hmmm.....

Quoted from GC BC script The Devil has already moved to the door by this point and now opens it awaiting God, who runs his fingers through his hair to resume his composure and focusing only on the exit, collects Toby’s file from the table and walks towards the Devil who is holding the door open from outside.

Quoted from GC BC script

I was waiting for a full stop then I ran of breath. I'm a smoker but I doubt that affects it. Sentences of that length are moving rapidly into Swift/ Joyce territory, a very dangerous place that all but the brave and foolish, possibly incompetent will venture. Even Joyce and Swift had trouble maintaining interest of readers. They still do. However, they were writing novels.

The big problem here is that I find myself drifting away as I read. That shouldn't happen. Ever. We've got a good situation, God, Devil and a mystified and confused dead bloke.
The writing is boring the arse off me. What happened? I'll continue, but it's like being in the dentist's chair at the moment. I certainly didn't feel this way with the previous draft of this script. I'll save the rest 'til later, Let me know what you think so far. Your comments will probably affect how I view the rest. I will read the rest of it and comment. I just can't right now, sorry.

Re

Hey Javier. I just finished reading the second and third drafts - i read the original earlier today.  I really like your writing style - formating is good, well paced, etc.

But I had trouble with the whole story. The concept is great and worth while doing but I don't quite think you have nailed it yet. There aren't enough funny lines in it, for me. And let's face it, it is a black comedy.

I think maybe the problem was the three versions: the first was good, the second probably the best, but the third sort of made it all too complex. I know this latter one was a possible shooting script, but I liked it better not knowing how Rick/Toby got to Purgatory. Also his character was very markedly changed by the third draft, almost as an afterthought.
The other reviews have covered it all so I'll just reiterate: make it funnier and it will be a lot stronger.
Hope this helps        stevie.

Thanks for the read Ledbetter, much appreciated.

Quoted from Ledbetter Overall, this was a very good read to me. I really didn't like GOD using the word FUCK. Kinda rubed me the wrong way. Made him sound like he was on the verge of not being in control or something. I can't quite put my finger on it.

Fair enough.

Quoted from Ledbetter The JESUS scene has been discusse several times so I won't go into it, but I feel the same as gthe other posters regarding the GO TO YOUR ROOM comment. It was engaging and has a cute punchline, btu it did kinda feel like just that, a punchline instead of an ending. Sandra came along a bit late in the story.

The way I write, I like to bring characters in from no-where.  Short and tidy introductions and keep it snappy.  Not sure if I'll do this when I get around to writing my feature idea.

Quoted from Ledbetter I think you have a real cool style of writing that is very unique. Keep up the clever writing. That is what sets you apart.

Cheers.  I have to thank the other writers on this site for my style I have been trying to cultivate.

All the best,



Javier

Thanks for your review Stevie.

Quoted from stevie Hey Javier. I just finished reading the second and third drafts - i read the original earlier today.  I really like your writing style - formating is good, well paced, etc.

I'm happy and surprised you've read all three drafts.  The 1st draft was more for dialogue, the 2nd was to add more description and lengthen it and the 3rd is what the director wanted.  He added his stuff on top of the intro I wrote and the club and outro scenes.

Quoted from stevie But I had trouble with the whole story. The concept is great and worth while doing but I don't quite think you have nailed it yet. There aren't enough funny lines in it, for me. And let's face it, it is a black comedy.

It is a black comedy.  But I feel the director is coming at my script with a drama angle.  It's his way of thinking.  Everything has to be explained or people won't understand this & that.  I'm not sure if he realises that people don't need to know or care how a person gets from A to B.  As long as it's funny then go with it.

When it comes to shooting there maybe a few alterations before shooting or during.

I've just found out today I can't film in a Police station in London.  They use to allow camera crews to come in but not anymore.  But I believe the director has a few other places to shoot it.

Quoted from stevie I think maybe the problem was the three versions: the first was good, the second probably the best, but the third sort of made it all too complex. I know this latter one was a possible shooting script, but I liked it better not knowing how Rick/Toby got to Purgatory. Also his character was very markedly changed by the third draft, almost as an afterthought. The other reviews have covered it all so I'll just reiterate: make it funnier and it will be a lot stronger.

I did wonder why the director asked me to write that intro scene.  I don't care how he got there and like yourself I suspect others don't.  But from what I gather, there are people that just need to know or they may get confused.

The director also changed the scope of Rick to Toby.  Although it's not too much of a change.

Do you think the 3rd draft has a drama touch to it?  I think this is what makes it less funny.  But maybe when it gets shot on the day and how the actors play it out it may be fine?  

He's getting five people to read the 3rd draft and if they have a drama way of thinking then I'm sure he'll be happy.  
But I'll be sure to get him to read everyone's thoughts above.

Cheers for the read,



Javier

Javier,

Last part.

Quoted from GC, BC P7. As he exists

Think you meant 'exits' there. I read that twice trying to work out what when.

I'm getting to used to the writing now. As I;ve said though, there's an awful lot of detail.

The Luke scene is good.

Once we got to Jesus I felt I was right back reading your previous draft, which was nice.

Quoted from GC, BC P.11 DEVIL - From the day Toby... The Devil holds up is finger to highlight- DEVIL (CONT'D) REPENTED. Rick has been a stand up

I'm getting confused, This guy's called Toby. He was Rick then you changed the name. You probably just missed that one there. There's another one on P. 16.

The last half reads twice as fast as the first half and is a hell of a lot more enjoyable. Looking back through the previous comments I can see I'm with Stevie on most of his points.

Re

Thanks for your review Rendevous, very much appreciated.

Quoted from rendevous Not too sure if your credit on the title page is entirely fair to you. Maybe you're fine with it so ignore if you're happy. I'm intrigued by it as he's just tacked on an intro hasn't he?

I've added the intro.  He's added a much of the description at the start, and sprinkled some more lines throughout, and changed some things.

Quoted from rendevous ...Frankly I'd have been more intrigued if I hadn't known how Toby had met his fate. That question would have been in the back of my head whilst reading until I found out...

You're another who doesn't need the intro.  That's a minute or two chopped off.  I agree, it's not needed although for some it is.  Who are these people that need to know everything?

Quoted from rendevous It's bloody hard to read those initial bits. I kept having to reread them as I was getting lost. Been a long day, might just be me. The main point here is if SS folks are looking on the latest comments  then the gripes on the script's quality of writing will put them off. As you're seeking opinions this is a bit of a problem. It didn't put me off but then I ain't like most folks, so folks say anyway. It'd be a bloody shame too as I remember this script as being quite a good one. I'm not alone either.

It's true, many people will be put off by the 3rd draft.  It's not of my doing.  It is hard work to read the intro but that's for the director to understand.   So it doesn't bother me too much.

Quoted from rendevous Not sure I buy the crack on the head business. Might work, but on film I imagine it wouldn't seem quite enough. I know it's cheaper and easier to film but couldn't someone do something to poor old Tobe? He'd gain a lot more sympathy from the audience that way.

I must off thought of fifty ways to kill him.  Some very expensive, some impossible.  This is the cheapest.  It's more expensive to have a funnier death.  This is the dramatic way.

Quoted from rendevous As this seems more like a shooting script than the previous draft I was bit surprised there wasn't more description (apart from attire) of God and Devil. Beards / No beards / make up. In other words I don't how I know these guys are the big fellas, apart from the script told me they were. I read two blokes in suits. In your first script that didn't matter so much. I figured then that if it came to be filmed then that would everybody's else's problem when/if it got filmed. As it's that enviable stage now of getting done this seems a bit slack to me. A  missed opportunity.

When 90% of this is in the same situation, there wasn't much more description I could add.  The director added some stuff to visualize people's positions.

Quoted from rendevous Not sure the devil in a black suit would work. Since Reservoir Dogs and all those films that have followed, I for one am getting bloody well sick of bad guys in black suits. Jesus Christ Almighty, you'd think someone would try something new, just for the hell of it, for the love of God and all that is holey. All puns intended. Re humbly apologies to all those reading with a sensitive and acute humour. You should read my scripts...

Maybe I'll see if the director would be happy for God and the Devil to swap suits?  Maybe that'll work?

Quoted from rendevous I like the collection box. Good little prop. I'd like to see a bit of detail on the front of Toby's file. Date of birth, IQ or the like. Something to separate him from all the other ones still walking around. Of course using this idea will mean I need a co-credit. Or a wanker's draft, sorry, a banker's wank. Oh deedums,  you know what I mean.

I think we'll be filling in this minor detail at a later stage.

Quoted from rendevous God's opening is priceless in my book. Sets the scene and the tone very well. We've an idea where we're going. It's the high point so far. That'll get a few laughs.

Scene 4 with God's opening line "I know you did it you little bastard."  That was the original opening.

The line you refer too is really the director's own doing with a touch from me.  I agree, not exactly a funny intro.  It's got a drama touch to it.

Quoted from rendevous I might have a fuzzy memory but I think your opening lines for the previous draft for the devil were better. Either way that didn't work too well for me.

Noted.

Quoted from rendevous I see from previous comments that people are rather offended by God swearing and using 'foul' language. Scriptwise this was a big plus for me...

It is for everyone, but on this occasion I don't mind.  Most of my scripts don't have swear words.  Just the religious ones.

Quoted from rendevous ...If you're happy and the director's happy with them my opinion on them is somewhat obselete. Their plus is I get the idea exactly of how you meant the line to be delivered. They're a bit rough on the actors though, doesn't give them a lot of room to play with. In my humble they could do with shortening.

The wrylies are by the director.  Not my idea.  From what I believe, were not here to tell an actor or director how to do their job, so leave them out.

Quoted from rendevous If I'd wrote this I'd be feeling hard done by with the Supers on page 4.

It should say 'written by'  The story & idea is all me.  Add-ons are just add-ons.

Quoted from rendevous There's huge details in this script. I'm beginning to wonder why? Do we really need to know - Seems a bit bizarre and novelish. Okay I know this is well on the way to celluloid but still. I've no problem reading about all the objects on the table, that's fine to me, but intricate details about, what is after all, just a chair is waaayy into overwriting, even to me. I'm fond of detail but scripts should lack it unless there is a big point [my thanks to LC for making that crystal clear].

The bit you're talking about was rewritten by the director.  Albeit very badly.  Way too long and unnecessary text like 'four legged', as opposed to a swivel chair found in an office, how many legs does a chair normally have?  And who cares?

Quoted from rendevous Not the best phrasing so far. Unless he's changed clothes I see little point in mentioning it. You could have said "Toby appears exactly the same, except he's unmarked."...

Again, this is the director.  I think you've realise that I don't write like this.

Quoted from rendevous ...made me laugh out loud, not something I'm too prone to. Can't go far wrong with those lines. I see and am pleased by the fact that God's language doesn't lighten.  Swearing can be an awesome device.

I'm happy you laughed at my original opening line.

Quoted from rendevous [quote=Quoted from GC, BC script] The DEVIL smiles in past triumph.

Quoted from rendevous I've got no idea what that means. I know he smiles, I just don't know why.

The director explained it to me.  It doesn't really make sense to me and even when seen on film, not sure why it would be needed.

Quoted from rendevous [quote=Quoted from GC, BC script] He’s not allowed to read your mind anymore, or watch your every move. TOBY (astonished) Really?

Quoted from rendevous Excellent. Now you've got my full attention. As an aside here, I've been imagining this playing out on the screen. If I didn't know their names I'd be still unclear as to who was who and what the bloody hell was happening. Maybe that's part of the plan. I've not yet read the previous comments in detail so I might have missed something. Did I?

No you didn't.

Quoted from rendevous [quote=Quoted from GC, BC script] TOBY has an epiphany of a loophole now he is grasping onto the situation which is unfolding around him.

Quoted from rendevous This reminded of a line in one of the Matrix sequel scripts. It went something like 'Neo tries to comprehend how one machine can love another machine'. Both lines are completely unfilmable but both tell the reader what should be going through the actor's mind and what's going on. I'm not completely against the occasional one of those but you know yourself they're pushing that 'what the fuck' button with readers. Your problem is Neo's instruction requires an expression which doesn't matter a whole bunch to the audience if he manages to convey it or not (opinions on the result differ). However Toby's instruction is pretty much impossible to convey. If it's important then you're knackered IMH as Laurence Olivier or Alec Guiness couldn't manage that. And those guys were really good. I don't know yet if this is important but, if it is, then those instructions are completely reduntant to everybody, except maybe the actor as actior coaching.

Again, not me.  I'll leave that for the director to implement.

Quoted from rendevous [quote=Quoted from GC BC script] You do not want to cross paths with me.

Quoted from rendevous This God fella, he's got some strange lines. I can buy the swearing and all the earlier lines but that line stuck out. Would He say that? Hmmm.....

Stuck out you say?  Well, this again wasn't me.  I felt this was over-the-top.  It kinda pushed God over to an evil side rather than being a bad-ass.  This was categorically a threat to Toby's life.  Maybe his friends will persuade him to have it removed.

Quoted from rendevous [quote=Quoted from GC BC script] The Devil has already moved to the door by this point and now opens it awaiting God, who runs his fingers through his hair to resume his composure and focusing only on the exit, collects Toby’s file from the table and walks towards the Devil who is holding the door open from outside.

Quoted from rendevous Quoted from GC BC script    I was waiting for a full stop then I ran of breath. I'm a smoker but I doubt that affects it. Sentences of that length are moving rapidly into Swift/ Joyce territory, a very dangerous place that all but the brave and foolish, possibly incompetent will venture. Even Joyce and Swift had trouble maintaining interest of readers. They still do. However, they were writing novels.

Again, not me.

Quoted from rendevous The big problem here is that I find myself drifting away as I read. That shouldn't happen. Ever. We've got a good situation, God, Devil and a mystified and confused dead bloke. The writing is boring the arse off me. What happened? I'll continue, but it's like being in the dentist's chair at the moment. I certainly didn't feel this way with the previous draft of this script. I'll save the rest 'til later, Let me know what you think so far. Your comments will probably affect how I view the rest. I will read the rest of it and comment. I just can't right now, sorry.

Re

Interesting comments.  Boring you say?  I'll be sure to get the director to read this.  

Please, feel free to write more.  If it doesn't work, it simply doesn't work.  But remember, it's the dialogue on screen.  Will that bore you?

Cheers for the insightful comments, really much appreciate it.

Quoted from rendevous ...I'm getting to used to the writing now. As I;ve said though, there's an awful lot of detail.

Yep.

Quoted from rendevous The Luke scene is good.

Cool.

Quoted from rendevous Once we got to Jesus I felt I was right back reading your previous draft, which was nice.

Cool.

Quoted from rendevous The last half reads twice as fast as the first half and is a hell of a lot more enjoyable. Looking back through the previous comments I can see I'm with Stevie on most of his points.

As long as it reads fast and is understandable then great.

I'm with Stevie as well.

Wow, this has got to be my longest review and response ever.

Thanks for the review again,

JT.

Hi Javier. Your explaination about the director changing things sheds new light on this now. It seems to have been wrested away from your control a bit.
Drama? I don't see how a script about God and the Devil bickering over a soul can be anything other than black comedy. Unless it's Faust or something...

If the director has his plan made up already, I suppose you can't do much? it's a shame because this is a great concept and should be done as a comedy.

anyway, good luck with it and thanks for reading my short. cheers

Hello Peeps,

This little ditty of mine has now been made over a gruelling two day shoot.

Here's a photo album on my Facebook:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=228516&id=587706315

And here's a photo of Rick:



I had a lot fun watching this getting shot.  Seeing this theatre guy swear as God so many times was funny.  Although, I don't think I ever want to write a swear word again.  It got a bit much in the end.  And if I write a swear word, I don't want to be there to hear it said like a 100 times.

I had to keep an eye on the actors saying their lines on the day and boy they did like to get creative with the lines.

I let some lines stay in, changed some words here & there and tried not to stifle the flow.

God has a theatre background and anything he added or mostly changed was pretty decent so was mainly happy, the Devil on the other hand fluffed quite a few lines on the second day, twisted quite a few sentences around which didn't fly 99% of the time.

Rick barely had any lines and what he did know said perfectly.

The mic man doubled up as Luke, Jesus was not great.  I'm hoping it's better on film than watching him say his lines.

It's now going to take two-three months to piece together.  Something like 270-290 shots.  The first day had a hell of a lot of shots from an insane amount of angles.  Mostly lasting 20-30 seconds.

I totally recommend to anyone to see their script come to live.  You pick up some things that you just don't see writing on the pc.

My only regret was not speaking up enough on the first day.  Ah well, you live and learn.

JT

Jay,

Congrats on the production.
Before I saw the picture, the idea had occurred to me to dress Rick like a prisoner.
Did God and the Devil wear cheesy cop suits and ties?
Look forward to hearing more about your experience.
Thanks for the entertaining read.

Regards,
E.D.