Hoax, The by Susan Scarpaci (sanscarpaci) - Short, Young Adult, Horror - Brian and Josh race against time to discover the truth about the Halloween Hoax.  They visit Lillian the Psychic and dance with a blue Mazda.  Will they figure it out in time? - pdf, format 8)

The basic story here isn't bad.  I have questions on how well the text message would play on the screen, though you could probably get away with it.  

It seemed unlikely that everyone else would know this was a play but the two boys wouldn't.  Furthermore it is unlikely because the TV station would broadcast the fact continuously, they would be lax in their duty if they didn't, it might even be illegal for them not to.  

Now if this was a hoax, why would the old lady drug them and put them in a basement?  That made no sense whatsoever considering the end of the story.  Also, do you know any basements that have stairs that open up on a two lane highway?  I didn't think so.

This concept here is ok but the script needs a rewrite to make it more logical.  

This script is now in PDF format.

Don

first of all, thanks for the conversion to pdf...i found the work a little "choppy", but overall i liked the originality...there were a few format errors (mostly with the wrylies)...but those can easily be corrected...nice effort on a difficult assignment...

This lost me a couple of times logically.  The boys might not be able to report an attack on the town cause everyone thought it was a hoax but why not report blood all over someone's wall? Also, why were they taken to the basement?

I think the idea is good--people dieing due to a hoax and all.  It made for a nice little ironic moment at the end.    

Hmmm, based on the "twist" ending, I'm clueless, cause the twist makes absolutely no sense.  Ditto what Cornetto said about the texting adn highway stairs.

Also, there are many mistakes in here.  Many instances of passive verbs, ending in "ing", which hut the read.

Good try, but based on the bizarre reveal at the end, it just doesn't work...at all.

This one started strong and had a lot going for it. Your opening descriptions were top-notch, you created a really interesting family, I kind of wished you had used them more. By the time the guys got to the birch tree, I was actually excited for the awesome adventure that was starting to take shape. But that kick ass adventure never showed up and this script sort of fell apart.

It’s almost like someone else started writing after the guys left Simon’s house. The descriptions and dialogue become clunky and awkward. When the guys are transported to the Barn (I’m not sure if they were transported, that should be explained more), the story spirals out of control. I wish the old woman and her son’s story could have been elaborated on. It just didn’t make any sense. As for the ending, it just added to the confusion.

Storywise, deep down this was alright, but as others have mentioned I think you could have used a bit more time to get this to be a bit more logical. I think you needed to make the choice of whether to have the audience in on the hoax or have them with the two boys thinking it was real. You obviously didn't go for the former and the story was too illogical really for the latter. It was obviously a hoax.

Writingwise, there were quite a few problems with this. Alot of passive tense, repeating words and format errors. The dialogue was pretty flat too and didn't sound very realistic.

I don't think the first scene would work at all on screen. You don't really want to have the audience read text messages in a supposed YA horror, do you?

All in all, pretty decent story given the time limit but I think you could have done a better job, technically with it. As a stand alone script it had quite a few problems.

For some reason this made me think of scooby doo, maybe cause of the character Old man Simon.  The story itself wasn't bad but the dialogue was very clunky through out.  I got totally confused at the end though, just how everyone but the boys new about it.  This did fit the challenge so good work there.

This shows signs of promise. It needs some cleaning up and some clarification, but I think you've got a good premise here. That something was deliberately staged and the repercussions that can happen-- even when one messes just a tiny bit with the way people see things.

I'm still working my way into the reads and I haven't read a lot yet from this OWC, but I sincerely think that despite this one's flaws, it really has a nugget that's hiding in it-- that nugget coming at the end especially, when the announcer winks and says, "Hopefully everyone knew it was just a hoax". It's like dropping a subtle bomb and I really loved that.

The following are a few notes on this, but I didn't write down a lot of errors I found because I think that just by following along with your studies you'll work with these details in the natural course of things; so it's not necessary here.

How do we know they are a Jehova's witness family visually?

Josh picks up plywood and disappears underneath the earth below. Is it some kind of hole in the ground?

It reads Brian is lighting their way with a flashlight, but a little lower, it says "the candlelight flickers across their faces and reveals the fear in their faces".

Note too, that you should reword this so it doesn't ring redundant with "faces" being repeated twice.

The slugline reads that it's the EXT of the Neighborhood, but then we enter the house and see what's on the far wall.

It's written that they are in a barn, but then that Josh runs to the corner of the room. Change the word room.

Ok, I'm noticing a trend here. You are tending to forget to write in changes in location. Josh is walking down a narrow path, but we haven't left the barn yet.

Does the announcer say, "Wink Wink"? I think you mean it to be in parantheses that she winks.

Try introducing what's going on with the woman who is staging this earlier.

Good effort here.

Sandra