Habanero Harry by Dave Lowery (ShotgunFever) - Short, Comedy - The adventures of a man who thinks he has a month to live. 26 pages - doc, format 8)

Hey Dave. I just read the script. Good idea, but it didn't really flow. It was broken up into parts.

The Janitor bit was funny. The boat bit was over the top. The gerbil bit was good. The start in the toilets was pointless. You should develop his character by talking with his mates in the bar, before the nachos.

Overall some good descriptions and some funny scenes, could be a bit tighter though, maybe have a montage instead of the longer scenes.

Tommy

Thanks.  I don't asee any of your stuff here though.  I would love to see what you have.

That harry is a silly duffer.

I like how you have Harry mistakens that he has one month to live- which is not true -and so he tries to live his life to the full and ends up in a chain of disasters that could be fatal. Sort of Ironic I guess.  Was this your intention?

While you do have a story, it hard to tell as your script is episodic and random. And for a short you script is way way to long.

You need to tighten up your plot structure and have everything connected more closely to a central problem or main theme that run through every scene.

Hard to explain but to learn more read some books on script writing and learn about plot structure.

Tonka, thanks for reading and commenting.  I just read The Schizo Express.  
I think that it definitely has a nice central theme to it, however that may be its weak point as well.  What I mean is that you really have just one joke that the whole thing is built on.  The train was real.  It is cute, but I must say I didn't really so much as chuckle.  About the time when he calls his wife, I guessed that the train was real.  IT WAS.  Kind of a let down there.  However, the structure was very tight and the plot very clear.  Also the dialogue was pretty good too.  Thanks for commenting!  I am pretty new to this site and to screenwriting.  Be sure to read my sketches on here.  Superclean and Superknife.  I will read and comment on your other things as well.  
-Dave

Hey Dave

This had its moments & was an amusing read. Nice piece of escapism. As mentioned above it is a bit lengthy for a short.

You had some nice touches, bizarre imagery & outlandish situations between the boat & plane mixed with the uneventful outcome of the race car episode.

It was clear from the getgo this wasn't to be taken seriously & you pushed the envelope in that department.

The earlier point made by Tommyp that it didn't flow is a valid one but that is due to the episodic nature of the piece.

Harry was a funny character & I found myself liking him. I thought you could have spent more time building up the scene where they break the news that he not actually dying as it was something you could see a mile off so having it broken to him so abruptly was unsatifying.

Also I'm sure you realize this would be the most expensive short in the history of filmmaking!! after "Doreen, I love you" (also on this site).

Overall a funny, light read.

Check out my two shorts & hit me back if you get a chance.

Cheers.

Col.

ShotgunFever, you can't find my scripts? "Shards of  Entropy" should be up soon, so check that out if you want.

Thanks man :)

Hey guys....still getting used to navigating this site.  Don't worry, I will figure it out.

A wee bit about myself....

I won the WhoDaddy award for flatulence in college.
I don't beat my wife, no matter what the public records show.
I love writing comedy...really goofy stuff. But I like to put lots into it so that it's hopefully not just nonsense. My favorite movies are Airplane! (aka Flying High if you're down under) , Sideways, Shawshank Redemption, Caddyshack, and well you get the idea.  
I have probably twenty uncompleted feature length scripts and several shorts.
Habanero Harry was only conceived a few weeks back.  
I have a serious desire to make a film someday and I check this site 4 or 5 times a day for comments and to read/comment on other mainly comedies.  I love anything as long as it's not too boring.
Thanks!  

Hey Shotgun,

I read it, and yeah it goes a bit too long for a short. But shorts can be considered 50 pages too, so im fine with it. But i wish the font was the intented size, courrier 12 is what i believe the standard is. Bu then it'd be even longer. Maybe a montage to cut unnessesary things down?

Tight and lean.

That'd make more sense.

But, anyway, I really liked Harry as he proved to be an interesting guy who deals with situations with humor. And A LOT seemed over the top! But i think that's proven and expected from the logline.

All around, a nice light
Funny read.

Good luck with everything.

Bryan.