Paranoia by Grant Cameron  - Short - A young newly wed couple get into a car accident and when the woman comes too, her husband is missing. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

This script reminds me of an old [/]Night Gallery[/i] episode.  A couple get into a car accident and the wife spends the entire episode looking for her husband.  The endings were different though.

The script left me a little confused as you throw the twist at us and then abruptly end the story.  You have to explain it a little more in order for the readers to appreciate the ending.

Also, I think you should stretch this out a little more, build some suspense as well as to convince the reader that--

--SPOILER SPACE--

--Peyton isn't delusional.  I had no problem thinking that Michael didn't exist after she was told so.  I had no reason to believe that the hospital was keeping any secrets from her--

--END SPOILER SPACE--

Hope this helps.


Phil

I found the story a little confusing, two twists rolled into one. Most of descriptions and actions could use a rewrite. eg

“The road seems deserted, with just fields on either side of the road.
Leaves have fallen off the trees and covered the road on a beautiful, yet cold autumn day.
When a car comes into view, driving along the road and
kicking up the leaves as it passes...the only car on this
country road.”

Try something like

A lone car cuts a trail through the autumn leaves that have settled on a desolate country road. (or something like this)

Read lots more scripts, look to cut down wording. A good effort but tidy it up. Walford

Pretty good. I agree that some of the description could be reworked. I liked it though, playing the real world against the dream world. The amnesia bit has been overdone so much, I was actually really happy you didn't go that route. The dream angle worked. Maybe some more description to counter the two worlds? For instance, maybe hint to us in some way or another that this might be a dream - without completely laying it out there. Plenty of creepy little things in a hospital to bring this out.

Also, in your descriptions you might want to remove the ellipsis. They should only be used when a character drifts off or has an unfinished thought. You don't want to indicate to your readers that YOU as a writer are drifting off into thought as you're writing description. Just a suggestion.

Overall, I thought the idea was pretty good.

This is an interesting premise, but I feel that you can develop it more and strengthen the story in some areas.  Firstly, the title is “Paranoia” but we don’t really see this play out as much as I expected.  I never actually believed that anyone was “out to get” Peyton, I bought into the idea that Michael was her delusion.  If she could have provided some evidence that there really is a Michael (or tried to), and Rachel or the doctors denied the proof, then I wouldn’t know what was real and what wasn’t.  For example, if Peyton showed her sister her wedding ring, and her sister explains is away by saying “you could have got that at any pawn shop.”  You need to seed little elements like this into the mix to keep us guessing whether Peyton is delusional, or if there is some conspiracy afoot to justify the paranoia.

I was confused at the end, but I was able to sort it out after a few moments.  I don’t want to step on your toes here, but I think you have an opportunity to up the drama and make this a lot clearer.  How about if when Peyton shoots herself, you cut to her in the hospital bed – her eyes snap open, as if suddenly awakening from a nightmare.  Then we hear the long beep of the heart monitor as it flatlines.  The doctor closes her eyes and pulls the sheet over her head, then we see Michael.  Just an idea...

I found the writing to be very rough in spots.  Try to be as economical and visual as you can.  There are several places where you repeat information, and begin descriptions with information that is in the scene heading.  For example, on page 1, second scene heading is, “INT. CAR” then you start the descriptions with “In the car.”  I’ll use the rest of this description block as an example of how you should be thinking about tightening things up.

In the car, MICHAEL KELLY (25) sits behind the wheel and keeps his eyes on the road while his passenger, PEYTON KELLY (24) sits comfortably with her feet up on the dashboard, looking at a map.

> “In the car” is unnecessary.
> “sits behind the wheel” sounds like they’re parked.  “Sits” isn’t needed because he can’t be standing or lying behind the wheel.  
> “keeps his eyes on the road” isn’t needed (as it would be assumed unless you indicate otherwise).  Besides, this is immediately countered by him glancing at Peyton in the next action block.  Try not to direct the actor’s eyes unless you absolutely have to.
> “his passenger” is not needed and makes Peyton sound more like a cab fare than a new wife.
> “sits comfortably” is not needed, her feet being up already implies that she’s comfortable.
> Replace all this mundane business with touches that tell us something more.

MICHEAL KELLY (25) drums lightly on the steering wheel as he drives.  Next to him, PEYTON KELLY (24) lounges with her feet up on the dashboard frowning at a map.

There are hundreds of different ways you could go with this simple little piece of description, but think about what opportunities there are to reveal character and mood with as little clutter as possible.  Take a look at each of your description blocks with the same approach and see where you can cut what isn’t needed, then sculpt the language to show exactly what you’re seeing in your mind’s eye in the simplest way possible.

Format/Mechanical Notes:
Pg. 1: You say there are “just fields” on either side of the road, but then you say there are trees (and fallen leaves).  Which is it?
Pg. 3: “car lays” should be “car lies”
Pg. 3: “...two hands emerge...attached to the body of Peyton...” – I know what you’re going for here, but this line sounds very awkward.
Pg. 3: “She starts to look around...” – Does she only start to look around, or does she actually look around?  Try to only use “starts” and “begins” if the action is going to be interrupted.
Pg. 3: “...scanning the area with her eyes...” – what else is she going to use to scan the area?  Her tri-corder?  Just “She scans the area” works fine.
Pg. 4: “its Rachel” should be “it’s Rachel”
Pg. 4: Rachel says “I’m your sister” without any indication that Peyton doesn’t recognize her.  In fact, Peyton asking “why are you here?” seems to show that she knows who Rachel is.  And if Rachel is aware she’s in a hospital, is this the right question?  Maybe “How did you get here so quick?” or something along those lines might add to the weirdness if her sister lives far away and the accident just happened.
Pg. 5: “next to a Psychologist” should be “next to a PSYCHOLOGIST” (his/her first appearance).
Pg. 6: “tears flowing from her face” sounds odd, like tears are coming out of her skin.  Maybe “tears flowing down her face”?
Pg. 6: Slight problem here with the files in that we don’t know what Peyton’s last name is, or is supposed to be.  So when she rifles through the K’s we have no idea what she’s looking for.  When she pulls the Brown file, we have no idea that’s her maiden name.
Pg. 6: “starts looking at it” should be “looks at it”
Pg. 7: “...fear filling her entire body” is an unfilmable.
Pg. 9: “were to severe” should be “were too severe”

With some careful work on the description blocks you can make this flow much smoother and keep us in the story better.  Try to include some more incongruities to support the paranoia to keep us guessing.  This has a great deal of potential for pit-of-the-stomach creepiness – what’s scarier than having everyone tell you you’re crazy, when you know you aren’t... or are you?

Good luck!

I enjoyed this script, it was pretty mind blowing but I agree with rjbelair here.  those corrections would make this already good script 100% better