180 by Mike Shelton - Shot, Comedy - When Dennis gets dumped, he's got absolutely nothing to lose and decides to lay it all on the line, with shocking results. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)


180
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"Uh, lip gloss."

That "You'll smear my make up" line reminds me of the above line from Mean Girls, except Regina's more of a bitch.

Is Dennis gay? He calls the girl "sister". It's such a gay thing to say.

It's a cute short. It feels like it lacks something. I'm not sure what though.

Hey Mike,

Clever title, turning the tables. Wow, Paris - I mean Chastity - is such a cunt! Some good laughs here, "Real dogs poop. Peanuts doesn’t", "You think fine art is Disney on Ice", but I didn't think his rant was nowhere near being as vicious as it could've been (hey, the cunt deserved it, man). In fact, it wasn't really Dennis who nailed Chastity, it was Waitress and that was a bit unfulfilling.

But solid anyway.

Cheers
Rob

An exchange of witty dialouge between two characters at a table where ever you find a table. That is like- so Shelton.

This is the fourth time I have enconuted this in your scripts.

It's like your tag item. You know like how Tarintino uses women's naked feet or that one shot in every QT movie of character open up car boot.

Perfect dialouge but we already know that. Telling Paris Hilton to take a hike is ho-hum. Paris does a good enough job of humilating herself, (Paris have a cry and sook when band kick her off stage at her own Birthday party, Paris go to jail) that your script of a prentend Paris Hilton having a 180 break up with average Joe just pale in comparison.    

But the one thing that I got a hoot out of was the Waitress named Waitress. Awesome idea and I'd rather read a script about her.

Hey Mike

Good story here, amusing & sharp in places. Am I the only one here that loved Chastity & her cold, uber bitchy attitude? It was very entertaining to read.

The Waitress's name being Waitress was a nice touch.

The fact that Dennis & Chastity were ever a couple seems implausible given the tone of the exchanges, they were real nasty to each other.

I'll like the closing line too, gave a nice upbeat open endedness too it.

Maybe a scene showing Chastity break down & freaking out at her date could make for a funny conclusion. She leaves the restaurant without a care in the world when informed what Waitress & Dennis had (apparently) being up to, kinda looks like she's won this round.

But as I said I'm her biggest fan so I'm glad she put on the brave exterior. I suppose we'll never know if Dennis doing the dirt on her really bothered her. Unless a rewrite is in the pipeline.

Good job.

Col.

Thanks for checking it out, everyone.

Quoted from ABennettWriter "Uh, lip gloss." That "You'll smear my make up" line reminds me of the above line from Mean Girls, except Regina's more of a bitch.

Haven't seen that one yet.

Quoted from ABennettWriter Is Dennis gay? He calls the girl "sister". It's such a gay thing to say.

Nope, not gay.  Well, there was this one time in college when he got really bombed on hashish and thought he might be, but ultimately he was just hungry for a Whopper.

Quoted from ABennettWriter It's a cute short. It feels like it lacks something. I'm not sure what though.

Thanks.  If you figure it out, let me know.

Quoted from Sniper ...but I didn't think his rant was nowhere near being as vicious as it could've been (hey, the cunt deserved it, man).

Yeah, I can see where you're coming from here, and actually gave serious thought to going that way.  Ultimately, I decided to keep things a little cleaner, and in the process added in the waitress angle at the end.  I'm still kinda freewheeling things, most likely not having recovered from my other recent script.

Quoted from tonkatough An exchange of witty dialouge between two characters at a table where ever you find a table. That is like- so Shelton. This is the fourth time I have enconuted this in your scripts.

There are probably more like it.  It's just what I do.

Quoted from tonkatough But the one thing that I got a hoot out of was the Waitress named Waitress. Awesome idea and I'd rather read a script about her.

Was there something about the character you liked, other than the name?  The reason I ask is because the information would prove useful for a rom-com feature I'm working on here and there.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 The fact that Dennis & Chastity were ever a couple seems implausible given the tone of the exchanges, they were real nasty to each other.

Yeah, it was a slight dilemma I faced.  Ultimately, I wanted to establish up front that Chastity has always been an ass while Dennis was a schlub, but after Chastity breaks up with him, he lets it fly and gets nasty.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Maybe a scene showing Chastity break down & freaking out at her date could make for a funny conclusion. She leaves the restaurant without a care in the world when informed what Waitress & Dennis had (apparently) being up to, kinda looks like she's won this round. But as I said I'm her biggest fan so I'm glad she put on the brave exterior. I suppose we'll never know if Dennis doing the dirt on her really bothered her. Unless a rewrite is in the pipeline.

It's statements like these that turn these scripts into features. ;D

I'm not entirely sure on a rewrite.  My main goal with this was to keep it all incredibly simple and easygoing with the minimal characters, one location, and excessive dialogue.  If I were to rewrite it, I'd probably blow it out to 25 pages.  I have a bad habit of doing that.

Thanks again, everybody.

Hi Mike,

Great dialogue, I loved the Paris Hilton lines, very funny. Your writing is damn great and which makes the script an enjoyment to read.

Anyway, I think the story needs more, not sure on what but that's my feeling after finishing the script.

It's been a long time since you posted shorts here :).

Cheers

Quoted from shelton Was there something about the character you liked, other than the name?  The reason I ask is because the information would prove useful for a rom-com feature I'm working on here and there.

The reason she had so much appeal was because she was down to earth and simple like her name, plus the contrast of her against Chrissy makes Waitress all the more likable.

So if you want to use Waitress and have her appealing, slide in a hideous Paris Hilton type abomination beside her so reader will have nasty character to compare to nice.

It's hard to explain but I'm sure you get the idea and hope this helps.    

Hey Nik,

Yeah, it's been awhile since I posted a short.  Was kind of caught up writing a lot of other things.  Thanks for taking a look at the script, and if you happen to think of what might be missing let me know.

Tonka,

Thanks.  I know what you're saying.  Something along those lines is what I plan on doing, and should fit in nicely.

Quoted from Shelton Hey Nik, and if you happen to think of what might be missing let me know.

Personally i was expecting more. I would say it was too simple, but not sure if that's the right word to use in this case. I think it needs Dennis to do something more, or his ex-girlfriend. But i like the including of the waitress.  

Quoted from Grandma Bear Mike, Maybe not what you wanted to hear, but I hold you to a higher standard....  ;-)

It's not what I wanted to hear!  I'm the great and powerful Shelton, and I expect nothing but glowing praise for each and every one of my scripts, even if I go so far as to submit 8 pages of nothing but Qs!

Anyway, in all seriousness, this being good and not great is no different than how I view myself as a writer.  Good, but not great.  All the extra stuff is just lucky bullshit.

Glad you were able to take something away from it.

pretty good. i know i'd watch it!

Okay mate, I really enjoyed this. Really great writing. Dialogue flowed perfectly, you have a talent for that... which you already know. The line about Paris Hilton making a sexy time on camera actually made me laugh-out-loud... which rarely happens to me when I'm reading a script. So congratulations on that.

I also loved how different Chastity and Waitress were... made for a nice juxtaposition.

No onto a few things I didn't like... I'm going to try and not repeat what others said, but I totally agree with the whole Dennis/ Chastity relationship. It seemed unbelievable that some-one like Chasity would be a couple. Chastity seems to be very unhappy with the situation, as is Dennis, so I doubt it would have lasted.

I personally didn't like how Waitress' name was in fact her profession... it was a bit corny mate. At that point it went from a quirky, realistic rom-com, to a unrealistic piece. It kind of lost some of its quirkiness, and 'magic' for me then.

Also, I would have filled Dennis' rant with a bit more poisen... hell, his girlfriend is a complete bit-ch to him, constantly dissing him and putting him down, then she sets up another date for the same day she is breaking up with him. I know if I was in his position, there would have been a lot more anger, and more personal, heavy-hitting insults. Okay, I know you were going for the softer, rom-com approach, but I still think that Dennis would have been a bit more irate.

Overall, I really enjoyed this script. It was well written, and very entertaining. It flowed well, and I was able to read through it in no time. Congrats. If you did another re-write, I wouldn't add anything too much... The scene at the end with Chastity breaking down, which Colkurtz suggested would be a nice addition to the script, but apart from that, I wouldn't add anything else. Fill Dennis' rant with a bit more poisen, maybe give Dennis a few features which would make Chastity be with him (Maybe make him rich? Give him big muscles, or have flashy cars, house etc.), and maybe think about changing Waitress' name, and then this script would be pretty damn perfect.

Cheers, Toby.

Hi Mike,

Like the title, liked the script.  Your script grew on me as I read it.  I felt Dennis' rant was fine.  Even though it looked like Dennis was about to up the rant a level, Waitress jumping in upped it a few more.  Just the kiss alone is bound to stir Chastity's thoughts.

The one thing I didn't like was the name Waitress.  It sounded like your Bizarre Bazaar mind was creeping in.  The mattress joke was humorous, so that eased the Waitress name.

It'll be cheap to film, bonus.

If you want to add the degree symbol.  Press the 'alt' button and then the number pad buttons 504.  180°

If you want ways to extend it, you could possibly have Dennis lay everything that Chastity has bought him on the table for Chastity to collect.  Dennis can follow up with demanding his 'property' back like any jewellery he may have bought her.  Just a thought, something a mate of mine use to do back home.

All the best,


Javier

Thanks for checking it out.

I've gotten a few comments on the believability of Dennis and Chastity's relationship, but it doesn't really seem to be all that off to me.  I think I established that she was the dominant one going in, but after she dumps him he just doesn't care and decides to tell her like it is.

Adding a bit more poison to it could be easily done, as well as another scene if I wanted to show Chastity break down later, but the latter would definitely add length as well as a new location and characters, with only a minimal payoff in my opinion.

Oh well, as is the case with any script, something more can be done with it.

Hey Mike, just read this one as I've been away all week.

I felt it could be shortened a little. I mean, all the dialogue is well written, but I just think there's maybe a little too much of it, especially during the first half of the script.

The script was a little so-so up until the end for me. I really liked the waitress being called waitress and especially the fact he didn't ask for her number and she brings that up. I was expecting - just based on the scenario - a really cheesy ending and it was a pleasant surprise to see a more open-ended and subtle finish.

This script was a nice slice of life tale.  It was very believeable and easy to read.  Dialog flowed nicely and it seems like something that could easily be done on a next to nothing budget.

I didn't like it when Dennis 'had his turn.'  I lost a lot of sympathy for him.  I know he didn't do anything that Chasisty didn't already do, but she started out as the bitch and he started out as the good guy.

The waitress assumed a little too much when she jumped in, IMHO.  And using the word fucking was just a littyle too much for her introductory contribution to the discussion.

Otherwise, it was quite nice....


Phil

Hey Shelton,

This works nicely, the dialogue is sharp and funny, Chastity comes across as an absolute bitch and in sharp contrast to Waitress' down-to-earth, niceness.

I know everyone's said it, but I really can't see how Dennis and Chastity could ever have been a couple. What would have brought them together in the first place? They just seem TOO different. It's not like a 'Knocked Up' situation, where Seth Rogen slacker character ends up with Katherine Heigl, because Chastity seems far too much of a bitch to ever even give a guy like Dennis a chance! And the 'Waitress-waitress' thing...yeah, I suppose I like that. It's cute.

Overall, I did like it. I can see it as an early scene in a rom-com, since in many ways it's the polar opposite (the 180, if you like) to comedies like Get Over It and Forgetting Sarah Marshall, where the guy is distraught at the break-up but ends up being happier with someone else. Maybe Dennis and Waitress get together, Waitress turns out to be EVEN WORSE, and then at the end a reformed Chastity comes back and they give it a second go. Or, an even better idea: leave it as it is.

As a short, fun, compact short, it's great. It's 'short' but sweet. To alter it too much would be to change it into something else, and I think it works well already. Basically, thank you for distracting me for an enjoyable five minutes!

Jon

Hey Guys,

Thanks for reading.

More comments on Waitress the waitress.  Most people seem to like it, or at least think it's okay, which is cool because it was kind of done on a lark.

The ending.  I really didn't want to make it overly cheesy, and I'm glad it didn't come off that way.  My goal was to mainly show a glimmer of hope and a fresh start.

Dennis' dialogue.  I think that's the first comment I've gotten where it was too much/mean.  Most people thought it should have been more vicious.

JonnyBoy,

I hear where you're coming from with the early scene aspect, and it's not entirely off base.  I've been working on a rom com feature off and on for awhile now, and something similar to this is kind of in the mix.  The scenario is somewhat different though, and involves more elements and characters, but the contrasting female personalities is in there to a point.

Thanks again for the reads.

This was pretty sweet. Strangely enough, I'm kinda in a rom-com mode right now after seeing FSM and Zack & Miri and having been planning on writing one for a while. This was a treat, I must say.

I can understand where Phil is coming from, saying that Dennis shifts from the "nice guy" to something else in "having his turn" but I don't think it hurt his being sympathetic in the slightest. I would've liked him less if he had said nothing, to be honest. What happens shows that he has some respect for himself.

The Waitress joke honestly didn't work for me. It could work but I don't think it works where it is. It's too simple a joke to leave off with. Maybe set it up earlier? Try it and see if you don't like it.

Also, I don't like the title. Way too simplistic. It's only a step away from calling a script "Conflict" or something. I'd try something a little more specific.

James,

Thanks for the look.  I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Phil's comment is perfectly valid, it's just that it's the whole point, and the reason for the title of the script.

Dennis is a little more reserved, playing a somewhat submissive-type role to Chastity, until he has absolutely nothing to lose and his personality takes a complete "180".

Being that he's still a somewhat nice guy, he's fairly nice about it, only building up to say what he really wants to say when Waitress butts in.

Another that isn't a fan of the Waitress name, or joke for that matter.  I'm keeping track, and will look into possibly moving it if I ever go back to this.

Thanks again.

Nice short, Mike. Great dialog and an interesting story.

I find it hard to believing that someone like Chastity would even sit through a tirade like the one Dennis put her through. Most of the blonde-haired, orange-skinned girls with clown glasses I know would have left before the rant was over. I guess if that happened we wouldn't have known Waitress though. She was awesome. Loved that character.

Isn't it great when ideas like that come out of nowhere when you're writing?

James

Hey James, thanks for checking it out.

I suppose it's possible, and maybe even more likely that Chastity would have just left without listening to it, but as you said, we wouldn't have been intro'd to Waitress then.  

Well, at least not in the same way.  The alternative would have kept her on the "I pity him" side of the fence, and most likely not have been as interesting.

I think just about everything I write comes out of nowhere, to be honest.  I usually have a pretty basic idea of what I want to do and how I want to get there, and then just work on filling in all the holes.

Probably not the best method, but it keeps me from overthinking certain things, and overthinking can cause real problems, at least in my experience.

Thanks again.

Quoted from shelton I think just about everything I write comes out of nowhere, to be honest.

As do all thoughts. I think your method works just fine.

I thought of this script for a moment last night when I was writing about a girl who wears those clown glasses. Then I stopped thinking about it and thought about my script. Then I thought about Mexican food. I guess you're right, thoughts do come out of nowhere.

Shelton,

Nice script! I really liked this one. Refreshing. I felt like I was getting retribution myself when Dennis went off on her. I think subconsciously every guy feels the need to be heard in relationships, especially when their partner is as self centered as Chastity. I was definitely rooting for him.

Anyways, a couple of suggestions. I think the difficulty in this one comes from the fact that our nemesis IS a self centered, gorgeous, soulless, Paris-ite (Sorry - but I couldn't resist). But yea, how do you overcome or defeat someone as self absorbed as Chastity? I mean, can you? I think you started to steer down the whole "sex tape" road but even if Dennis went that route, creating a secret sex tape or something, I don't think it would've phased Chastity because ultimately the attention would still be on her.

As I said before I was really rooting for Dennis when he told Chastity off, but I do think it started to wear on his character a bit. He started to come down to Chastity's level but I guess that's the whole point with the 180 degrees concept? However, you did save it when Waitress came in and diverted a complete meltdown by kissing Dennis.

I think that might be what's missing in this - an ultimate justice or retribution. I don't know if "making Chastity jealous" is enough. It's a tough corner you've pegged yourself into here. I mean we want to see Chastity suffer but we don't want to see Dennis bring himself down to Chastity's level.

But back to the ultimate justice or retribution. I think that when it comes to Chastity and all girls like Paris, I think the worst punishment by far has to be APATHY. For someone that seeks and demands attention as much as Chastity does what could be worse than to be an insignificant nobody? As far as how you could demonstrate that in your script, I’m sure you could come up with something.

Nice work, bud! I’ll keep an eye out.

Hi Mike,

The dialogue was good, although very lengthy.

I have to say that of all the scripts I've read from you, this was by far the most unfullfilling. It was really middle of the road stuff with no real bite.

I don't mean to be harsh. You're a talented writer so obvioulsy I'll judge you by higher standards.

The problem you have is that you've got two characters who clearly don't have any feelings for each other. The situation isn't upsetting for anyone in the script or for the audience, because the break up is something everyone wants to see.

This is compounded by the fact that everything he says is expositional in the sense that we can already tell what she is like.

Just one shot of the dog is enough to reveal what a stupid so and so she is, so the big monologue Dennis makes is extraneous. Which is a problem, because it's pretty much the meat of the script.

Also, at no point do you ever really believe that Chastity would actually be upset what what happened, despite Waitress's explanation. She's far too much of a 2 dimensional character.

The stuff with Waitress was a lot better, particularly the line about being called Matress, but not enough to save it IMHO.

It was almost like a written version of bullying. You picked an easy target and just bullied her. It almost came across as an autobiographical tirade directed against someone you know, like revenge songs that musicians sometimes write after a nasty break up.

Sorry for such a harsh review. I just think this whole concept is a bit beneath you to be brutally honest.

Rick.

Hey Guys,

Thanks for checking this out.  I'm in the middle of a little bit of re-tooling on this for somebody  at the moment, so the additional feedback is definitely welcome and helpful.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films You're a talented writer so obviously I'll judge you by higher standards.

I seem to be getting that a lot lately.

Hey Mike,

The dialogue was really good. It flowed nicely. The tale became a bit fake in my opinion when she kisses him but I think a bit of suspended belief is fine here. It made the tale move nicely. Good job.

Gabe

I thought that looked pretty good quality. My only gripe would be your name being so late into the credits...

Wonder how much they had to pay for the music.

I remember that script btw. I thought the "pink" girl wasn't quite as hot/beautiful or whatever as she was supposed to be, but maybe that's just me.

Congrats Mike.  :)

What can I say? Except that I love Mike Shelton. Tell your wife how lucky she is. But isn't your real name Michael?  ;D

Sandra

Thanks for watching guys.  I'm pretty happy with the way things turned out, but we'll see how one of the others ends up.  I think there are about a dozen different groups working on this at the moment.  How many will actually come to fruition is anyone's guess.

I doubt music was paid for in all honesty.

Sandra,

My formal name is Michael, but hardly anybody calls me that.  Most people call me Mike or by my last name.

hey mike,

congrats on getting this filmed. haven't been around much lately so if i'm late with the kudos forgive me. better late than never, though, right?

anyway i've gotten through 1/3 of it and....

i'm kidding. it's a good short. took all of 20 minutes to read/watch and sat nicely with my sense of karma. no idea why he was with chastity in the first place but...

at any rate, well done. i love hand made movies.

best,
mike

Just watched the video, pretty good.  Something to be proud of.

Congrats.

Quoted from Shelton Thanks for watching guys.  I'm pretty happy with the way things turned out, but we'll see how one of the others ends up.  I think there are about a dozen different groups working on this at the moment.  How many will actually come to fruition is anyone's guess. I doubt music was paid for in all honesty. Sandra, My formal name is Michael, but hardly anybody calls me that.  Most people call me Mike or by my last name.

I wasn't sure because sometimes I've called you Michael by accident.

Yes, the writing has your signature all over it. Always impressed.

Sandra

Hi Mike,

I do not like they way they handled this.  It didn't do your tight little composition justice.

So much more could have been done with the camera angles and lighting to pull it in tighter and give this heated exchange more power.  I felt they could have used some over the shoulder shots, especially from behind her, with him leaning in to make it tighter and more personal.

The guy should have been much sharper in his delivery.  Not yelling, but all this emotion and rage and pent up hatred has finally boiled over.  He should have been cutting and intense, and I felt she should have been more shocked and caught off guard, because this lump of dough she's run roughshod over all this time is finally fighting back!  I felt her lines should have been delivered in a more defensive way, attempting to mask her shock, while trying, unsuccessfully, to appear non-chalant.

If they could have pulled it in closer to make it more intimate between the couple, it would make the intervention by the Waitress have much more impact.  I also felt she kind of rushed through her lines, and wasn't quite catty enough, you know?

I hope one of the other productions gives it more of what it deserves!

Hi Mike,

Congratulations on a great script, I really enjoyed reading it.

I've just watched the filmed version too, also enjoyable and well worth watching.

The writing was great and very realistic, and I loved the little touches like the handbag dog, and Waitress!

Good stuff

Craig

I liked it Mike. Chastity was perfectly cast as the slightly above average looking chick who thinks she's better looking than she is. They're the worst kind. I loved the Paris Hilton and Disney on Ice lines. I also thought the Waitress was great and her motive for jumping in at the end was very believable given the way Chastity treated her at the start. The only thing I didn't catch was her final line. It also might've been good if Dennis got her number.

On the negative side I noticed a bit of lens flare at the beginning when Dennis walked outside. That's fairly typical of video, but the director should've been on to it. I also thought the opening credits went on for too long for a short film.
But overall this was good.

Hey guys, thanks for watching.

Chris,

What you're saying about Dennis getting her number does actually happen, it just wasn't shown on the paper for some reason.  Her last line means that Dennis should have asked for it instead of her having to put it on the receipt herself.

I just watched this again and I would watch it again for one reason:

Cait Kennedy. I feel like she's really working it in this performance whereas the blond actress is coming off to me as a little bit stilted. I feel that Nate Lewis, playing Dennis came alive when playing opposite "Waitress", Cait Kennedy.

So for Cait: Well done Girl!!!!!!!

When she says, "I'm glad my parents never named me mattress, or I would have wound up a hooker," (might not be exact words) watch her reaction right after that word, "hooker" she comes off as both playful and seductive. It's priceless.

I would question the song used in the opening. I love the song, but thinking about it now, it lends this connotation that Dennis only wants money and by his demeanor with respect to his dress, express that he doesn't care at all, and that means the song is completely wrong.

He's a wonderful person it seems, but he's not respectful in the sense that he doesn't care if he comes out in public like he doesn’t give a shit…

Someone whose character screams, "Give me money that's what I want" will dress sharp. They at least will TRY TO DRESS SHARP. Or, they at least will have an air about them in their behavoir that "They Care!". It could be a mechanic with dirty hands, but if he's "Give me money that's all I want", he will probably not have the sluggishness of the character as depicted as Dennis.

I love this, but I'm trying to dig deeper here and so I think I should offer this up.

Congratulations again!!!

Sandra

Hey Mike, congrats on getting ANOTHER short produced (I remember commenting on this one months ago), but I'm afraid I'm gonna side with Steven and say that I don't think this did your script justice. Dennis was too much of a loser, Chastity was boring bitch rather than funny bitch.

It's not that the film was bad, I just think it made your script seem less funny that it actually is. Your comedy is based on sharpness and well-taken moments, and this was just too loose to bring out its best. The 'grief counselling short' you had produced was a better reflection of your work.

Again, congrats, and I really don't want to come across as a dick. But I hope someone else does a better job with it.

Quoted from JonnyBoy Hey Mike, congrats on getting ANOTHER short produced (I remember commenting on this one months ago), but I'm afraid I'm gonna side with Steven and say that I don't think this did your script justice. Dennis was too much of a loser, Chastity was boring bitch rather than funny bitch. It's not that the film was bad, I just think it made your script seem less funny that it actually is. Your comedy is based on sharpness and well-taken moments, and this was just too loose to bring out its best. The 'grief counselling short' you had produced was a better reflection of your work. Again, congrats, and I really don't want to come across as a dick. But I hope someone else does a better job with it.

No worries, Jonny.  All I can do is write a script and hope for the best.  If some people aren't happy with the turnout, it's pretty much out of my hands at that point.

Congratulations Mike. :)


Breanne

Quoted from screenrider Mike, This is unrelated to 180 but I just read "Holiday Tradition" and "Mr. Gloom" on your website.   Incredibly good stuff.

Hey Screenrider,

Thanks for checking them out and letting me know you enjoyed them.  Mr. Gloom was actually filmed last year, and it's available to view online.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1235935571/s-0/

I've had a little bit of discussion about Holiday Tradition recently, but I'm not sure if anything will come of that.

I think I read this script way back. It seems familiar. This short has a lot going for it cause of the content. I could sit down and watch someone rip into Paris all day. Who wouldn't.

Only thing I didn't get was why waste all those minutes with a clique get out of bed/start the day routine? Come to think about why even have opening credits? It's a short so shouldn't it be kept short?  

Hey, Mike -

Have to say, I do like the premise on this one.  Not earthshaking, but still a scenario that's capable of holding my attention and providing an interesting "slice of life."  (I guessed the way it would play out early on...but that doesn't mean that it couldn't be a fun ride along the way anyway.)

I like your smooth writing style in general, and your way with descriptions (though the set up descriptions seemed a *little* lengthy.)

My main problem with the script was that the dialog seemed stilted - read too much like the characters "explaining it to the audience" rather than having a natural, flowing conversation.  Also - given the dynamics and nastiness between Chasity and Dennis, I find it *very* hard to believe that they ever got together and dated at all!  

Oh, and "pie case"?  Ew.  :)

bad acting took me out of it, i gotta read this tomorrow

Is Mike Shelton even still alive?   I heard he died in a skiing accident.  Sonny Bono-style.  

It was a golfing accident.  Like Bob Hope.

Yes, I died and I come here numerous times a day in zombie form.

Thanks for watching, guys.  This script was the result of a theory I had in relation to the title of a script and its ease of filmability, and how it correlates to how many emails would be sent asking about filming it.  Needless to say, my theory was right.

i read it...

eh, i dont really see that as a comedy, but i guess it needs to be categorized somehow and that would be close enough.  A waitress named "Waitress?"  did that go over my head, was she being sarcastic?

I dont know, congrats on filming it, but i didnt love it.  the dialogue didn't do much for me.

sorry if i sound like a dick, im just giving my critique.  I wrote a stupid little blind date short that this sort of reminded me of, maybe ill post it sometime, probably not though.

Is there a certain way to watch these? It keeps stopping and starting. Buffering. I've got the fastest DSL SBC has to offer. I don't like to wait for my porn...

If I pause it, it doesn't seem to keep downloading...

james

Quoted from Conz i read it... eh, i dont really see that as a comedy, but i guess it needs to be categorized somehow and that would be close enough.  A waitress named "Waitress?"  did that go over my head, was she being sarcastic? I dont know, congrats on filming it, but i didnt love it.  the dialogue didn't do much for me. sorry if i sound like a dick, im just giving my critique.  I wrote a stupid little blind date short that this sort of reminded me of, maybe ill post it sometime, probably not though.

Don't worry about it.  Not to sound like a dick myself, but I don't care.

James,

I'm not sure on any other way to watch it.