Stoners by Miles Trahan - Short, Stoner - Three stoners take hits, irritate one another, and discuss the satanic subtext of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Miles

Ah, the familiar ranting, raving & meandering bullshit talk of stoners. Not a bad attempt here.

The central theory Dale puts forward I've actually heard myself before & even though you make a good attempt at stripping it down in a long winded humorous fashion I feel its a too literal a parallel to draw to really get hung up on but it did make me laugh in parts.

Some passages I liked:

Page 4-5

                  RICKY
Pride? She spends the whole flick
snapping bubblegum! And excuse me
for throwing a monkey wrench in
your sick little fantasy here, but
if all those other kids represent
four of the "deadly sins", what’s
Charlie’s deal? I mean, he’s gotta
represent something too, right?

                 DALE
Charlie?
(thinks for a moment, then)
He doesn’t represent anything, far
as I can tell. It’s been a while
since I saw the flick, but...
Charlie always seemed like an
alright kid to me.

The Satan meaning prosecuting attorney didn't work for me even though I know Satan can mean accuser & the ending was  forced.

Alarm bells always ring for me when two characters chorus an identical reply like that.

Reminds of one of them shows where it ends on two characters saying the same thing followed by hearty laughter from everyone present like Little House on the Prairie or The Waltons. (My apologies for the crude comparison)

Overall though this was entertaining. you have a sharp writing style & the exchanges between characters were realistic & natural. Good job.

Col.

Hey Miles

This was good..funny. I love Wonka and I think it is one messed up film in general, but for a kids film it is really messed up. I thought the dialogue, in general was natural and entertaining.

I could see this as a scene in a longer comedy - think the star wars chat on 'Human Traffic'. I don't think there's enough real point to it for a short movie but I'd keep a hold of it and maybe use it as part of something bigger in the future.

A funny script mate, well done.

Quoted from stebrown I could see this as a scene in a longer comedy - think the star wars chat on 'Human Traffic'.

I felt the same, like maybe I was reading a scene in a Kevin Smith movie. The problem I had with this one is that it is all dialog and no action. It would make for a really boring short film if the dialog wasn't so catchy. Well written, but I'm not sure whether I would sit through it or flip the channel.

I did like the ending, though. Stoners' priorities.

Okay dude, the title is corny... change it. Stoners... okay, yes they are stoners, but the title is unoriginal. It was an amusing short, but I don't think I would watch it... Hell, I would watch a film if this was a scene in it, but it would be too boring to sit and watch a 8 minute film, with real action. Hell, even if it was an 8 minute scene in a film, you would still need to switch it up with some action.

But I did enjoy it... I'm a 'stoner', and enjoy stoner movies. But as this stands, it needs something else... you've got a talent for writing dialogue. It definitly felt like some Kevin Smith shit... It reminded me of a chat that Dante and Randal had in Clerks. And also, Ricky sounds like a dick... I would not smoke weed with that a55 wipe!

Cheers, Toby.

Cool script.

Well written and you have researched it well. I think you should change some of the lines so the characters don't know the characters and the places so well. Chuck in a line or two like, "That fat chick that always chewed the gum, whatshername". Because of their age they wouldn't remember everything so well. So make it real.

Starting how you ended with the weed in mind is good.

Overall well done, and it could be the start of something good.

A sharp, funny script in true style of Kevin Smith.
Liked the dialogue, liked Dale's theory, but to second Toby I wasn't too keen on the title...
Very well written, really couldn't offer you any 'constructive critisism' if I tried.
Was quite enjoyable,
Muchlove, Jayden :)

You write good dialogue.  I had never considered Willy Wonka in a satanic light, but after reading this, I think you may be on to something.  You get a good sense of the characters as they argue their viewpoints on the subjects.

The problem is, there's no story here at all.  This is not so much a script as it is a big block of dialogue.  Even these shorts should have a beginning, middle and end.  I understand they're stoners, but there has to be something to create some drama or tension here, even if it's ridiculous(like Dude Where's My Car).

As it is, this just feels incomplete.  

As a short, there wasn't much going on. However, if this conversation was a scene in a feature film, it would work.

Like everyone else, I liked the dialogue. Very life like. I know where everyone else is coming from with the Kevin Smith comparisons, and although I wouldn't go that far, it wasn't a million miles away from the snappy dialogue in his films.

One quick note on format, I believe the last line of dialogue should be formatted as "Dual Dialogue" instead of naming the character "Ricky and Dale".

Overall, It's a pretty funny piece you have here.