Killer by Matthew Nsubuga - Short - A killer born with the ability to manipulate earth goes home to his mum after four years for acceptance. He was impenetrable, immovable and unstoppable but it still couldn’t prepare him for what he saw when he got home. 11 pages - pdf, format 8)

This is an emotional short drama of a man who is corrupted by the power God gave. And how he seeks acceptance from the only person he cares about it the whle world, his mother.

Have a read.

And check out my other work MAD WORLD and TWINS.

Thanks

I had a hard time figuring out exactly what was going on in this story.  In your logline it says Michael is born with the ability to manipulate earth.  But, we never see that power.  All we see is his super-strength which is completely unexplained.  I would like to have known how this guy got his power.

He says he first saw the power as a gift, but now as a curse.  Why is that?  He did kill the guy by accident when he was a kid, and he still feels guilty.  But, has he been using that power all this time?  I never understood how the power corrupted Michael.

I think you should also explain the tension between Michael and his mother.  It was a bit confusing.  At times, she wants Michael to stay, then moments later it seems she wants him gone.

It's an interesting idea, the notion of a reluctant super-hero who never asked for these powers and doesn't quite know what to do with them.  But I think you need to clarify Michael's character. What is his power, where did it come from and how has he abused it in the past?

The subplot of the drug dealer beating up his mom seemed more distracting to the story than anything else. You should concentrate on Michael, and then his relationship with his mom.

A couple technical points:  A lot of your sentences that should have question marks don't have them.  Also, always capitalize a character's name when you first introduce him.

Thanks for reading.
This is a the first draft and thanks for your views.

The ability of manipulating earth is explained in he logline as leaving him unstoppable, immovable and inpenetrable. I thought this would explain why he has super human strength. I should of clarified that better.

His mother at first wanted him to stay however when she sees him killing the drug dealer, she becomes scared of him and wants him gone.

The point of the drug dealer sub plot was to show how and why there were scars on his mothers body.

The way the power corrupted Michael was more infered than showed. First you see the origin of how he first got his power and then while he speaks, mostly towards the end, he explains while he has been gone he has killed and he feels no remorse.

The relationship with Michael and his mum was of a man (Michael) who wants to gain closure by saying goodbye to his mother but instead shows his evil by killing someone in front of her.

I found a lot of problems with this script, Matt, more than what Cam brought up.

Starting with your synopsis, what Earth powers?  He was superstrong.  That's it.  Why was he returning home for acceptance?  He disappears one day; his mother didn't know what happened to him.

Your characters were very two dimensional...and that might be a little charitable for me.  There was nothing to any of these characters, except for what you told us in the narrative.  When you introduce MIchael, all you say is that he's African American.  That's it.  Not his age.  Not what he looks like.  Fat.  Thin.  Young.  Old.  Nothing.  When Michael confronts Red, it didn't seem like a confrontation because we can't picture Michael.

Your dialog was very forced and on the nose through the script.  Nothing flowed.  Michael talks like a street thug but, on occasion, bits of proper English slip in.  Examples of this include:  "I have realized after what I have been through in the last four years I needed to come and say bye properly."  Take out the italicized words and your dialog will sound more natural and more 'street.'

At the end of the script, Michael says (in voice over)  "I am an unstoppable force. A
immovable object."  He's contradicting himself, here.  And I think it's a failed attempt at being dramatic.

You describe this script as an emotional short drama, and it's not,  It's far from it.  After reading it, my response is 'so.....?'

I strongly recommend that you DO NOT submit first draft scripts, here.  After you write something, put it down for a week or two and then rewrite it.  You'll be surprised how much better the second (and third) draft will be.  If you get the reputation of posting bad first draft scripts, you will soon learn that no one wants to read your scripts.

Read other people's scripts and see what works with them.  See what people think of them so, when you review them, you can contribute more than a one-line critique.


Phil

I agree that the logline/synopsis isn't written too well and needs changing. Also that I needed to describe Michael more.

The reason of submitting the first draft is to see what works and what doesn't work.

I don't agree with my characters being two dimensional. Michael's mother is clearly a troubled women who came to terms with her husband dying and her child leaving her by turning to drugs. She wants to be a family again but when she sees what her son can do she becomes scared of him and wants nothing to do with him.

Thanks for reading.

I will have a look at some of your work. And you can look at my shorts like MAD WORLD or TWINS.

Matthew

The mother is a two dimensional suffering mother.  That's all.  As the writer, you're seeing all of her pain and suffering in your head, but you're not translating it to paper.

Rewrite your works and then submit them.  It'll eliminate many of the problems that  first drafts have.


Phil

What advice can you give to me to make her less dimensional and how to translate more emotion to paper

Matthew

Flesh out the characters.  Include things that aren't important to the story.  Give them quirks.  Make Michael a knuckle cracker.  Make his mother a little confused.  If you had to add five pages to this script, without adding to the story, what would you include?


Phil