The Doors Are Closed by Jayden Creighton - Short, Horror - A twisted mesh of love and death. A husband finds out of his wifes love for another man and gets... well, a little bit crazy. Very little dialogue, very eerie setting. 3 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Jaden,

I think you should take the Director's Note off the script. It doesn't tell us much since the description you wrote are enough i think. The note might be useful to the director, which i assume is you.

I liked the descriptions you made and yeah they eerie, I admit that. But i have one question, why did the man kill the boy and now his wife. I failed to understand that.

Cheers

heya nik,
thanks for the read..
yeah i will be the director, but i agree, the note probably isn't necassary
the story may have been hard to follow because of the little dialogue it uses...
the man finds his wifes journal (which is all about her and some other man)
he gets angry and kills her and his son
think the grudge.
neways, thanks again,
muchlove, jayden :)

Jayden

You really are a twisted fu?k (only joking). I actually feel drawn to these macabre Poe-like worlds you create. As you may have gathered from anything you might have read belong to me, this isn't really my preferred genre but it does intrigue me no end.

I read your "Fever Dreams" script only yesterday, which I also liked, this echoes that type of subject matter. Deep family dysfunction is definitely a staple theme of yours and thats putting it very mildly.

Like the others I've read from you, your writing is interesting above anything else & I like your various lyrical flourishes when you're setting up the scene. Enthusiasm is one of your strong points as you don't hold back or pull any punches on the prose front.

I just spotted a few little grammatical errors ( I know they are annoying to read but its all to help out further drafts) & things I didn't quite understand.

Whether the directors note is surplus to requirements or not. Your "direction" is a little vague

"every object with a tinge of surrealism" -- "Colours are denser" -- "blacks are darker"

These are all very broad directives, you need to be more specific if your going to mention these things in the first place.

"Slowly, he ascends" -- He ascends what? I'm presuming the stairs but it is never said.

"udder" -- utter

"The doors are closed honey" -- comma before honey.

Overall good job, would love to see it on screen.

Can't wait to see you branching out into the Rom-com genre, ha.

Peace.

Col.

Your writing is very good and very discriptive. The visuals in this one are very interesting indeed.

The content I did not enjoy. I can turn on the TV to watch the news and see a report on stuff like this. Your script is just an inccident, that's all it is. Because of this it fails to engage me cause I can not link to it emotionally becuase it is just a series of empty, pretty images.  

Like your other script I have noticed that your weakness in your writing is your story structure. That is what you need to work on.

With your scripts you have proven that you havbe mastered visual, stylish images. Now I think you need to get away from 3 page scripts and have a go at 8 or 10 page script that have a real story. Such as a central problem, A character in dramatic conflict with something else and a paced plot that excellerates to a climax that ends in something atsonishing.

Do that I think your scripts will be amazing.