Coming of Rage v2 by T. Joseph Fraser (blakkwolf) - Short - A young man comes to grips with a grave injustice...(Revision of Movie Poet December entry) 2 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Joseph,

It's been a while - where have you been. Having not read v1 I thought this was pretty good. That's some nasty old people you've got here, I'm guessing Italians. Not much too say other than it could be a little longer, play a little more on the emotions.

Quoted Text SAMMY (14) and awkward

Is there a word missing here? Or is it "an awkward?

Also:

Quoted Text Sammy jogs down the stair case. She kisses his cheek as he zips up his tattered denim jacket.

I would probably change She to The Grandma.

Cheers
Rob

Thanks, guys...I've been around, but have been really busy with the day job (or lack thereof)...Thanks for the encouraging words, Travis...Greatly appreciated!

I dunno, Rob- that is a good question...And or An Awkward....And awkward is a shorter way of saying "and is awkward", just like one might introduce Jillian as 24 and (is) sexy...

The invisible "is" in the sentence would break the an/and rule...I'm totally pulling that out of my butt and I don't know if that is grammatically correct, but it sounded right...Maybe one of the linguistic masters here can set me straight...

Agree with the Grandma comment.

Regardless, thanks for checking out my short!

The awkward thing is correct, but reads funny because you need to include the 14 for it to sound right, and with it being in parentheses most people would read it as if it were a side thing, making the remaining part "Sammy and awkward".

Looking at it that way, Sniper's "Sammy, an awkward" question makes sense, probably more so than my explanation of things.

Anyway, to avoid things like this, you could leave the parentheses out.  SAMMY, 14 and awkward, blah blah blah.

Quoted from Shelton "Sammy and awkward".

Yeah, that's exactly how I read it and why I thought there was a word missing. To me, words in parentheses are not to be read as you would normal action lines but got.

Reading it like "Sammy, 14 and awkward" makes perfect sense and it also sounds pretty good, but for clearity, I think you should go the way Mike mentioned, that is to remove the parentheses.

I don't think I understand the purpose of the grandmother or her question.  I know this was a one pager but you really need to make this script a bit clearer.  If I thought it was intentionally vague, I wouldn't be asking you that and it is only because I detect that you actually want us to understand it that I am asking you to clarify.  You don't have the page restriction any more so use as many pages as you like.

It is an interesting premise but I feel nothing for the characters.  With so many tears, I should feel some of them too.

Hello Joseph,

I think you should have expanded this story to explain why a kid of 14 is getting revenge?

You have an interesting story that throws up questions.

Who is this Jim?

All the best,


Javier

truthfully I didn't understand it, I bet you were trying to make artistic by minimizing the dialog and expressing everything through actions, but it seems like there's a lot you can add into this.

Mr. Blakkwolfe, I thought this was a really good short. It brought up a lot of emotion and posed more questions than answers. I tend to be a fan of shorts that don't answer all of their own questions so I really liked this one. I almost want to ask who Sammy was but I think I like it better not knowing.

The only way this could have been better is if Sammy somehow got revenge on Jim through his own means. Letting someone else capture and tie up your enemy seems like it would dilute the satisfaction.

Good work.

James

It's an interesting set up, but it felt more like a two page scene than a short script.  I realize you had to keep it very short, but it seems like you could have clarified things with another half page or so.  You don't have to answer every question, just give the scene a firm ending.

I would have liked to known more about either Sammy or Jim or both.  All we know  is that Jim apparently accidentally killed Sammy's parents.  Just a few words from Sammy to Jim would bring the scene into focus more and give the story a definitive ending.

Thanks for the comments...A friend of mine at http://www.artbistro.com (I'm a graphic artist by profession) is really fantastic at writing haikus...the little 5-7-5's that can say so much with so very little..

It's a snapshot; a momentary image and feeling that can be very intense or deceptively subtle...

That's what I dug about this super short excercise...It's a character sketch that attempts (whether or not it was a sucessfull attempt is rightly debatable) to say alot without really saying anything, just trying to interpret the story by the characters and how they react to each other...(I liked the icy chill as Sammy sits with the Godfather in the backseat...)

Jim was a common criminal who killed two people (Sammy's Parents-) a while back he should not have...

Thanks again, guys, for your thoughtful comments. Greatly appreciated.

Blakkwolfe

An intriguing little piece for a two pager. Cursing myself that I haven't read part 1, I take it there is gonna be a part 3?

Your writing was crisp & direct throughout.

Great opening, you get an uneasy, ominous feeling about it from the getgo.

The rough neighborhood, the neglected bike, the black car, the Grandmother, Sammy's "barran" room & last but not least "The Bible". All these things compounded for me this impending doom. You just know something bad is gonna go down here.

And it did, in the worst possible scenario.

Wow, there is a lot of characters in here for a 2 pager (not a bad thing by any means)

I'm sure reading Part 1 would answer some of the questions I have. So I'm not gonna be one of those people & ask them now expecting you to fill me in.

Yeah, I enjoyed reading this, man, you've piqued my interest, Is Part 1 available?

Col.