I Know I Can Do It by Priit - Short, Thriller - A man named Todd Downey discovers his wife cheating and then he.....you know! 4 pages - rtf, format 8)

Priit

I'm not gonna discourage you as I haven't seen you on here before so maybe you are new to all this.

All I'll say is, read as much as you can & learn how to format a script properly, there is lots of good screenwriting software out there.

Best of luck

Col.

As Col said, you need to format a script properly.  Final draft and Movie magic are probably the best out there, but you can also find some free programs if you look.

Also, you need to spell check.  You spelled shovel as "shovle" several times.  And mystery is spelled with two y's.

                                                           TODD
                                                    (raising the shovle)
                                               I know I can do it, helpin`
                                        myself to another year from the
                                       steaming bowl. I`m sure that in time
                                         her death would be a mistery.....

I didn't understand the "helpin' myself to another year from the steamin' bowl" line.  What's he saying there?


                                                            JANINE
                                                          (timidately)
                                                              Yeah.

Timidately is not a word.  I'm guessing you meant "timidly" or "intimidated."

The story took a strange turn when the dude looks out the window and sees the bloody ghost of his wife.  You did a complete genre shift there from crime story to supernatural horror.  It seemed out of place.  You should have kept it real and maybe showed us how the guy's actions were eating him up inside.

Study the scripts on this site: how they're written and formatted.  Picking up a screenwriting book wouldn't hurt either.  Get to know more about how to structure a story.

Good luck.

                                                                                                                                                                                

I didn't think that the formatting was as bad the others said.  It needs work, but that's not a big thing, really.  Don't use the phrasewe see (or 'stare') when describing things.  We are aren't there.

When you describe things, describe them only in ways that can be recorded by the camera.  Either with visuals or with sounds.  Telling us that Todd is writing cannot be filmed.  You have to show him as a writing.

You cut straight to the chase with the story, as if you were rushing to get it out.  You didn't give it any room to develop the characters or build suspense.  If the reader doesn't care about the character, then he won't care what happens to the character.  

I thought the ending was a good one.  Todd's comments wrapped it up nicely.

Read some of the scripts here and learn how to format. Add to the script, double the length, even.  Give us something to read besides a quick murder.


Phil