A Night To Remember - Print Topic

Posted by: Don, January 13th, 2009, 10:32pm

A Night To Remember by Adam Mosquito - Short, Comedy - When the nerdy school-boy and the hot chick of the school are paired up as study partners, what's the worst that could happen? 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

Posted by: Tommyp, January 13th, 2009, 10:52pm; Reply: 1

Hello! I thought I would give this a read, as I like a good laugh. And it did have a few laughts in it. Although here are a few things to think about...

-Get rid of the rock throwing. If Randy and Mike are mates, it wouldn't happen. Maybe if Mike threw a pebble or something small and it hit the car that would be okay, but breaking the window is too far.

-Don't chuck in what music you want in it.

-A few insntances of telling not showing. Eg, "Randy and PRISCILLA, popular, cheerleader-type,". . If you want to show that she is popular on screen, show us in another way. WHY is she popular? And put that in.

-A few lines that aren't natural. Like the one, 'Since you’ve been acting like such
a harassing prick..." It's not natural.

-"It’s a goat, bitch!" was classic. I laughed out loud.

-You don't use an active tense all the way throughout. I think this is one of the hardest things when writing scripts. Take out all the "ing" words. Eg, "sitting down on a bed" could be "sit on a bed".

-Don't put in camera direction.

-The ending was a letdown. I don't really understand it. Is it supposed to be funny? Have I missed something?

Overall this was a bit over the top, but had some funny lines.

Posted by: Uncle Steed, January 14th, 2009, 12:10am; Reply: 2

Seemed sort of Kevin Smith-ish, except without the character exploration. Some of the dialogue is funny.

Posted by: Chongamon, January 19th, 2009, 9:00pm; Reply: 3

While the story was an intersting idea, the way it was told lacked. First off, the dialogue was very unrealistic and just awkward at times. I really wouldn't have known the main character was a nerd if you hadn't told me. Remember that writing a script should be basic and only describe the things we see. The main problem I think was the jokes. It seems they were just random and kind of irrelevant, like you just wrote a scene to use them. Last off, I don't get the goat? If it was hidden in her bedroom then how come they didn't hear it before?