Charmless by S Stweart (sassy) - Short - Chris wants to ask his sweetheart out on a date, but  he's 17 and a fully registered nerd with a few lessons to learn.  9 pages - doc, format 8)

Overall I liked this story, wasn't a great one but I liked it. Specially the ending.

Shona to me felt like she had a memory problem. Every time Chris called back it seems like the first time all over again.

Actually that those calls between them confused me. Who was Chris going for Shona or Lisa? At one point you tell us that Chris knows he's talking with Shona but other times I get the feeling he thinks he's talking to Lisa. Or is Shona tryin to help Chris with asking Lisa out by pretending to be her?


I like how nervous and realistic you made Chris out to be.

Not sure I completely understand what's going on when Chris bursts out laughing while talking to Shona.

For the most part the action is good. Maybe it's just me but I feel there's something off about the format. Mainly the dialogue

Also at the bottom of the first page you place both Chris and Shona's names in caps lock but aren't when they are introduced. You only need to do this when you introduce them for the first time.

Hi,

Thanks for your comments.  Yeah, Shona is letting Chris practice his chat up technique on her before he asks her daughter out.   That's why Shona sounded 'surprised' everytime Chris phoned.  This obviously wasn't well conveyed, I suppose.  

Thanks again.

A good idea, of course nothing is a bad idea for a film. I only think that you should fix up the format a bit. But again a nice script.

Good Luck in the future,

Xavier

I don't think it's necessary to put the script in split screen format throughout.  That's probably more of a directorial decision anyway.  All you really need to do is use INTERCUT between Shona and Chris' dialogue.

It was a good tease, making it seem like the kid was going after the older woman.  It got confusing as he kept calling her and she kept picking up, but then you clarified it at the end.  It's a good idea, you just need to refine and polish the story more.