The Malcolm Moon Cartoon Pilot by Mr. Scarecrow - Short - Malcolm Moon is a werewolf who hangs around with a 128 year old vampire and a extra dimensional creature with high anxiety. One night they decide to raise the dead… 11 pages - pdf, format 8)

It's kind of a pity this sank into the background without getting any attention, because I actually quite enjoyed this. Also, I know quite a few people who would go crazy for this show if it was made into a series.

SPOILERS

Your logline is great. Straight off, that made me want to read the script. Malcolm Moon is a great name for a slacker werewolf, by the way. I found Mr. Squido very, very strange, but no doubt others would absolutely love him. I liked most of the characters, although I found Parson slightly uneven; at times he does sound like a Victorian boy ("Charmed as well"), but at others he sounds completely different. He needs a little more consistency in his dialogue.

I loved the just-raised zombies. Malcolm's "damn you Romero and your lies" did actually make me laugh out loud when I read it. After that, I'm afraid, things started to unravel a little bit. The "bastard of nature" line, and when the pizza boy repeats it, raised a smile, but I think generally things get TOO random. Also, at the end I had no idea who was alive and who was dead. If this is the first in a series, don't you need your main characters alive?! Unless, of course, you plan to go the Family Guy/South Park route of just ignoring what's gone before.

So yeah, I actually see quite a lot of potential here. If you go back over the second half of the script and make things flow slightly better, then that would help. Also, at 11 pages I think this is a bit on the short side for an episode. But maybe you're only looking to make a short cartoon here.

There are flaws to this, but the actual writing is fine and there are no problems with formatting. As I say, I found it entertaining and pretty funny, but I know people who would go nuts for this. If it was animated in a suitably bizarre way...well, I can definitely see it on screen.

Good job!

Jon

Actually yeah the 12 minute running time was cause I was going for a Adult Swim style show and I'm glad you liked it.

I agree, it did kind of fall apart at the end and yeah it could use a rewrite. Yeah at the end they pretty much everyone is dead and just like shows on AS they come back. Continuity isn't a big concern here. But I agree, the ending needs more structure.  

However, Parson's dialogue was uneven on purpose. The point being that at 128 years he's acquired a unique vernacular that spans over a century.


Thanks for the review.

Hello Mr Scarecrow/Deadful,

This was an interesting read.  I thought this was pretty creative.  I enjoyed this mostly but what let this down for me was the ending.  I'm I to assume the sunlight killed everyone?

If so, it feels like an easy way to end this.

You have a few very funny lines sprinkled throughout.

You do have a few spelling and grammar errors in there.

Top of page four, Malcolm Moon...minions to do 'our' bidding!

You've capitalised dialogue which is unnecessary.  There's a moment where you try to indicate a point.  For the top of page two, it would be easier to write:

SQUIDO
Touch them, touch them!

Page three, the graveyard scene.  I would move Malcolm moon's dialogue to the previous scene.

Page nine, I'd have Parsons answer the door since he's a vampire and as vampires crave blood, this might be better?  It would soon better with the craving line.

You need to add a few periods here & there.

Overall, an interesting read, only the ending needs to be jazzed up.

All the best,


Javier