The Honeymoon is Over by Stephen Brown (stebrown) - Short, Drama - When a devoted father's patience is pushed too far by his alcholic wife he must answer to her violent father. The honeymoon is truly over. 19 pages - pdf, format 8)

Cheers for putting this up, Don.

If any kindly mod would be able to change the name of the script to 'The Honeymoon is Over', I would gladly buy you a hamburger next Tuesday.

Any feedback is appreciated. Especially, angles to extend the script. Let me know a script to read in return too.

Nice one

Ste

Very good script this one. I was really getting into it. I was so absorbed that I was shocked when I ran out of pages.

There is nothing more thrilling then a story about miserable people worse off then yourself.

Normally it is the woman and children who cop abuse from jaded angry husband. Awesome to see you flip it around and have the mother stomp all over her husband and child. She was a great character- a nasty peice of work how she use her father to hurl hell upon her husband. A  joy to read.

my only complaint is that you had plenty of room to throw in Creepy Narrative Bear into this script and you didn't. very dissapointed.  

Hey Ste,

Let's get the boring stuff out of the way right away.

When you write a continuous scene that takes place in several different room in the same apartment, you really don't need to write out the sluglines in full for each room. You can easily get away with just writing example LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS (and the CONTINUOUS isn't really nessecary).

I thought you wrote a very powerful story here, very engaging. The structure was spot on in my book. Brian's speech at the wedding was really convincing, you (the reader) instantly knew what kind of guy he was. In fact, I thought all the main characters worked really well. Mary is just a fucking cunt, isn't she? But a beliable one no less - a girl who got pregnant and married way to soon in her life, which from her point of view, was just really starting, I'm sure.

The way Sam restrains himself was agonizingly realistic, I really wanted him to crack her skull open, but at the same time, I knew exactly why he didn't do it.

The end was so sudden though, I was like "What? Where's the rest?". I just so badly wanted Sam to walk away with a clear "victory" of sorts. I guess it works as it is, but this piece imo just needs a happy ending - however much Hollywood'ish that would seem.

Solid effort. Kudos.

Cheers
Rob

Hey Ste, gave this a read.

I agree with the other reviews that this was interesting enough for me to want it to go on past the nineteen pages.

I'm a Newcastle fan myself - can't really remember why, but I can't turn back now - so the 'Newcastle are going to win the Premiership' line raised a bitter smile.

I personally just needed a bit more of the two of them being happy. All we get is a wedding reception where they're not even the main focus of the scene, And since the short is called The Honeymoon is Over, perhaps show a bit of the honeymoon? Maybe. I just never got to see nice Mary. I know Sam probably married her because she was pregnant and he felt it was the right thing to do, but was she always a bitch? Were they ever in love?

Sniper said that he liked Brian's wedding speech...to me, I think you overdid it a bit. I understand you were trying to show us Brian's character, foreshadow what was going to happen, but I think it all seemed to be laid on a little thick. He's a 'family man', 'we look after our own', 'as long as Sam here treats my princess right, he'll be alright'. For me, it was too much. Another scene I found slightly overpowering was the scene where Sam goes to comfort Emily, and within twenty seconds she's giggling. A cute moment, but too cute for me.

I think Mary was wonderfully bitchy, Brian a very-well characterized dick, and Sam a nice, sympathetic character. I particularly liked the bit where Mary assumes she's irresistable, but Sam just uses the opportunity to escape. The violence of the Brian/Sam confrontations was perhaps slightly too strong for me. Actually, that's not quite right. The final confrontation was fine, but it was undermined slightly by the fact that the first fight is almost AS violent. Some sense of build-up, of climax, might work better.

Time-line wise, I had a few issues, but that's probably just me being stupid. So the opening scene is two years after the wedding, and Mary is seven/eight months pregnant. Since I'm guessing the two didn't stay together after Sam twatted Brian with a poker, how could he be the father? And has Brian been in the hospital for the two years between the flashback and the present? The chronological order was hard to follow for me. Also, the intervening period between the flashback and the present...does Sam go to jail? Who called the police and sent them to Jean's house? Bear in mind this is probably me being thick.

You say you want angles to extend this script...I do have a suggestion, but it might seem a strange one. I know it sounds odd, but the film this reminded me of was Kramer vs. Kramer. Probably because of the abandoned husband thing. So my suggestion is you go down the custody battle line. Have the beginning be the opening of the case. Introduce the characters - Sam arriving with Emily, Mary with Brian - but lead us to wonder what happened to make everyone so bitter. Tell the violent story through flashbacks (it could act, in a way, as Sam's testimony to the court). I thought at the end that Mary seemed to have geniunely changed. So perhaps when she goes into labour with her new baby, have the two reconcile at the hospital, and end with optimism for the future. Again, the nice thing about the end of Kramer vs. Kramer is that Meryl Streep's character does get her redemption, and there is hope, but no definitive moment of closure. Just a suggestion that things are going to be all right. That, to me, is your angle. I'll admit it might seem an odd suggestion, though.

Sorry about the messy feedback. Hope there's something useful buried in there!

Jon

I dug this, it really was a fast read, its started well and delivered through out. I agree with Jonnyboy that some more scenes of Sam and Mary being happy would do wonders to the way the audience feels about the characters.  I really did feel for Sam and his actions seemed real and honest (Hell I woulda slapped that bitch too ;) ) The last fight did seem to run on for too long and get a little overly violent, maybe only one hit to the head and he is knocked out.  But overall this was a strong effort.

Tanner

Thanks for the taking a look.

Quoted from tonkatough Normally it is the woman and children who cop abuse from jaded angry husband. Awesome to see you flip it around and have the mother stomp all over her husband and child. She was a great character- a nasty peice of work how she use her father to hurl hell upon her husband.

Yeah, I'm a bit bored of the whole beat-up wife story but I like the drama of an abusive relationship in a story so thought I'd switch it around. Something really unpleasant about someone being bullied by someone weaker than them I think.

Quoted from tonkatough my only complaint is that you had plenty of room to throw in Creepy Narrative Bear into this script and you didn't. very dissapointed.

Haha, yeah sorry to dissapoint with that.

Quoted from sniper When you write a continuous scene that takes place in several different room in the same apartment, you really don't need to write out the sluglines in full for each room. You can easily get away with just writing example LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS (and the CONTINUOUS isn't really nessecary)

Yeah, I normally do at as you suggest there Rob. I got a few comments about it being difficult to follow though so thought I'd give the full stuff a go. I think it looks a bit chunky, so will edit that when doing the next draft.

Quoted from sniper The end was so sudden though, I was like "What? Where's the rest?". I just so badly wanted Sam to walk away with a clear "victory" of sorts. I guess it works as it is, but this piece imo just needs a happy ending - however much Hollywood'ish that would seem.

I was going for a semi-happy ending, in that he finally stood up for himself. I was wanting to describe more how he walks out of the bar, head held high and stuff, sort of a walk of a winner but thought I'd just leave it up for interpretation. I'll definately have a think about possible happy endings, but one that I instantly threw out was him finding another woman. If I go the happy way I think I'll have it have an interesting twist to the whole thing.

I'll have a check of your new feature by the way mate, saw it was posted the other day.

Quoted from JonnyBoy I'm a Newcastle fan myself - can't really remember why, but I can't turn back now - so the 'Newcastle are going to win the Premiership' line raised a bitter smile.

Yeah, I'm a toon fan too. Haha, you have my sympathies for the stick you'll be getting from the Chelsea, Man U and Arsenal fans around you.

Quoted from JonnyBoy I personally just needed a bit more of the two of them being happy. All we get is a wedding reception where they're not even the main focus of the scene, And since the short is called The Honeymoon is Over, perhaps show a bit of the honeymoon? Maybe. I just never got to see nice Mary. I know Sam probably married her because she was pregnant and he felt it was the right thing to do, but was she always a b****? Were they ever in love?

I know what you're saying mate, but after the wedding they were never in love. She's using him for the money and because he's a soft touch he'll look after the kid while she goes out on the lash. If I was going to do that I think I would have to show them before the wedding or maybe one scene showing the first sign that she's an utter bitch haha. I'll have a think.

Quoted from JonnyBoy Another scene I found slightly overpowering was the scene where Sam goes to comfort Emily, and within twenty seconds she's giggling. A cute moment, but too cute for me.

The main point of that scene is to show how Sam needs Emily. She's kind of his security blanket, instead of the other way around. When he's saying 'We don't need her' He's constantly asking for reasurrances. I'm kind of wanting Sam to be pitied more than sympanthised with in the scene.

Quoted from JonnyBoy So the opening scene is two years after the wedding, and Mary is seven/eight months pregnant.

Yeah. The rest of the flashback is when the baby is born though, so two years back the wedding when she is heavilly pregnant, next scene the baby is born so Emily can be over a year old.

Quoted from JonnyBoy The final confrontation was fine, but it was undermined slightly by the fact that the first fight is almost AS violent. Some sense of build-up, of climax, might work better.

That's a good point and something I totally overlooked. Maybe, he just gets a slap the first time round. The second one is supposed to have a very first person perspective, unlike the first though, so I was hoping it would seem more brutal.

I love your Kramer -vs- Kramer idea, and if nothing else it means I'm going to have to add it to my lovefilm list. Haven't seen that for ages. The problem I have if I went down that alley, is I know nothing about law and courts and don't have the time really to study it enough to get away with.

You've given me plenty to think about though, so cheers.

Quoted from directoboy12 I dug this, it really was a fast read, its started well and delivered through out.

Cheers mate, pleased you liked it. I'll try to find a way to bring some happiness to the start of their married life, but I'm struggling at the minute.

I'm not sure the story i read was fully realized and executed to its potential. I think, and this is just an idea, that maybe if you were to open up with a custody case between the two for the child then that could open up as to how these two got to that place in time.

And in the story theres only one "happy" scene. Personally, i'd like to see a scene where the two intrigue each other. He knows nothing about her and same other way around. I mean, was this girl always a bitch? Is she resentful that her life has wasted away and therefore become a drunk?

I don't want more "happy" scenes. Just where the two are intrigued by one another. In that question phase where you want to find out as much as possible.

Also, there's this saying.... in the beginning of every relationship a partner can have little quircks that amuses, but after living with it these quircks quickly turn in to annoyances. I don't know why i said that--just something to think about i guess.

Sam, to me, came off as a little bitch. But ... he is sensitive and ultimately the character we choose to follow and root for. I think you did that succesfully.

OH!...I do think the first confrontation scene between Brian and Sam could be less violent as you can allow that last fight to end with a BANG.

Cheers!

Bryan

Hey, Stephen. This was a very tight script and a good story. I wonder why Mary became so passive, though, at the end? She's only tough when she knows her dad will back her up?

Quoted Text Looks like he could handle himself if needed. His eyes suggest he likes to find out more often than needed.

Loved this description of Brian. Must be some steely eyes.

Quoted Text Mary raises her hand, covering his face and turns.

This was a little hard to follow. She covered Sam's face and left? I've never seen anyone do that.

Well done.

James

Hey Stephen,
You did very well with this.  Everything is very real, including the emotion.  I found myself trying to restrain thoughts of wanting to slap Mary, thats how strong this was.

I really liked the ending too.  I was not at all expecting it, but from the beginning scene I was expecting a sort of lame get-back-together scene which would have made me puke, but you took it a different and much more satisfying route, thank god.

My only suggestion (and its a small one, sort of a "I know I have to suggest something but I don't know what to suggest" suggestion) is that maybe you should'nt have Brian be Mary's Dad, but her brother.  In my experience, Brothers are much more likely to beat you up for hurting his sister then a dad who's probably older and hopefully more mature.  Still totally works your way, but I wanted to suggest something.
-Tyler

Cheers for the reads.

Bry

I'm starting to think this could work better as a feature. I thought it should probably be lengthened anyway, but didn't really know in which way. Have some good ideas now for how to expand this, but simply due to a lack of knowledge I'm gonna stay away from a custody case. I'm with you that that would work, but I think I would just make too many mistakes without putting a load of effort into research for the laws.

James

Yeah, you've got the reason for her becoming passive sussed there. That description you were wondering about was pretty much just a 'talk to the hand' type thing. Should probably be reworded though or ditched.

Tyler

I agree with you about how the story could have gone and wanted to stay away from a reconciliation. Maybe another way to expand this is to introduce her brother and have the dad a little bit more chilled out? Have the brother be the one that does the beatings but the Dad is still a psycho but just a bit more of a been there done that, mellowed out now but will still bite your nose off if pushed kind of guy.

I'm thinking of extending the wedding reception scene a bit more to let Mary's family be better introduced. Where she came from, ya know?

Thanks again

Ste

I thought this was a great story, very gripping. I was so into it the ending seem to come too soon.

I think it'll be a great idea to extend the wedding scene and to let us know her family more,

"just my thoughts" but I think this scene will be a great opportunity to also show us or at least give us more of a hint that she has a drinking problem.

Ste

Straight off the bat I'm into this after learning of your influence, it's a great book. Funnily enough I'm reading one of Bukowski's collection of short stories at the moment. It reminds me a lot of the "Acid House" in terms of structure & themes.

Anyway your script.

It starts well, the dialogue is simple & realistic. The flashback fits perfectly, it gives us the background of the two characters in a few lines, very economical.

Ya, man poor toon. 12 points, huh? So close yet so...ok I'll stop now, sorry.

I definitely get the British feel off it, I can picture the crumby boozer - the old men playing cards, a beer stained pool table occupying a corner that doesn’t have room for cushion shots, those blasted gambling machines I fu?king hate them. Yep I know these kind of bars all too well, man.

Having the wedding reception in a social club, ha, that is so in the vein of Welsh's characters. Dead beats from the wrong side of the tracks, with limited means but making the best their bad situation.

Good speech from Brian, quite touching in slightly threatening way...if that makes sense.

The confrontation while Mary sits on the bowl is classic. It would work very well on screen. Doesn't do anything for Mary though, (Spitting on the face is just nasty) she is already looking like the bad guy, but I expect to see the other side of the coin too.

The super comes on so soon after -- “The Honeymoon is over” no messin’ about here it’s clear from now on the pleasantries are gone out the window. This relationship has turned sour in a drastic way.

It's so sudden, the stark contrast all in the space of one page, nearly comical as it is tragic. However, when we learn of Emily’s existence everthing has suddenly leaned considerably towards the latter.

MARY (CONT’D)
When my dad finds out about this,
he’s going to fucking kill you!

-- Oooh I was waiting for it. I take it we are gonna see that foreboding side of Brian.

Pg 10 - 11 -- Yep he came through for me, a very well executed sequence too I might add.

"the bairn’s" -- Get some of the lingo in, nice.

JEAN
For god’s sake, son, don’t open up. -- The first awkward line in the piece. I think you should leave out the "open up" & end with “...” after "don't".

It doesn't fit anyway but even more so since Brian has already said " Open up" Having Jean repeat it sounds a tad robotic in my opinion.

"Sam calms himself but his eyes betray his fear." -- Should this not be "Sam calms himself but his eyes betray his demeanour or body language" thus indicating that he is in fact sacred sh?tless.

I liked the ending it fitted well & was essentially a happy one even if someone did end up in hospital. I just wonder about the repercussions Sam who have faced between both the father & the law. He did beat him with a poker after all, it’s not gonna look good for him when the pigs arrive on the scene.

We never saw the flip side that I anticipated. She was a cu?t and that was it, Sam was the good guy, effective reversal of roles too, against the norm.

Yeah, man this was excellent, really got into the characters and felt for them. One of the best I've read on here, no jokes. I wonder how the Americans on the site will receive it has it is full of phrases & colloquialisms, (I went into this on the blind side, didn't read any comments... expecting raves)

A worthy tribute to Mr Welsh, sir. It was a tricky genre to take on -- many pitfalls but you handled it with aplomb. Not to mention packing more than a fair share of intensity & bite in there, throughout the piece.

Engaging, gritty stuff, well done.

Col.

Cheers Lightfoot, pleased you enjoyed it.

I've pretty much made my mind up to extend this to a feature and that'll be the main scene for character development. The drink problem, given a feature length page count, could be a little more subtle aswell.

Thanks Col for that detailed review.

I'm struggling to think of a way of showing another side to Mary. I know what you're saying about having some kindness to her, so will continue to rack my brains.

Pleased you enjoyed it. Hopefully I can keep the same feel at 90+ pages.

What's good Ste,

Below are comments I noticed whilst reading;

Lol, the Newcastle line made me chuckle.

Loved the use of freeze-frame... reminded me of the opening of Trainspotting (hey, I've heard these are both based on works from the same author :P ), where the action freezes, then the character's names come up in a super.

When describing Brian (on page 3), I didn't really like this line ; "His eyes suggest he likes to find out more often than needed." - It sounded a bit awkward IMO.

Page 4 - Brian's dialogue; "So as long as Sam here treats my princess right, he’ll be alright in my book." - I would change "right" to "well" - "right", and "alright" in the same sentence are a bit repetetive...

Lol, loved this line - "Basic -- ok, I’m being nice... the place is a shit-hole."

Man, oh man, this script was amazing. A very good story, which you adapted very, very well. The dialogue was spot on, and felt very realistic, very conversational.

The ending was fri-gging awesome... I hated Mary so much, and when Sam threw his drink over her, I was like - "Booya! Finally she's got her commupanance!!". Very effective ending.

I honestly couldn't see anything to change, bar the minor things I noted above. Seriously, this would work perfectly on screen. I'd love to see this made... Is this an adaptation, or inspiration? If it's an inspiration, what rights do you need to obtain to film it?

Man, keep writing scripts like this... It was a pleasure to read!

Toby.

Cheers for the read Toby

Quoted from Toby_E I honestly couldn't see anything to change, bar the minor things I noted above. Seriously, this would work perfectly on screen. I'd love to see this made... Is this an adaptation, or inspiration? If it's an inspiration, what rights do you need to obtain to film it?

'Acid House' has already been made, this is inspired by one of the three short stories. The only similarity is that it is a man and woman with a child and the husband gets mistreated by his girl. I'd be surprised if there was a problem if someone wanted to make this, but I'm not the most clued up person on copyright law.

Pleased you liked it so much.

Ste

Hi Ste,

I'm not sure I'm the best person to review this to be honest.

I think it's very well written and largely achieves what it set out to do. It's the kind of thing that the regional film bodies in the UK seem to go head over heels for and I think you'd have a strong chance of getting it funded through the NE filming fund (whatever it is called).

I'll be honest though, I see this kind of gritty working class drama played out in every UK festival/film night almost weekly.

The London based media calls them the "Grim up North" films.

That's just a highly subjective point of view and as such is irrelevant to any objective evaluation of the script.

As regards the actual script, I thought it was fairly strong. I'm not wholly sold on the flashback at the start. The opening salvo didn't really seem strong enough to support a flashback. There wasn't really a dramatic question being asked that I wanted answering with knowledge from the past.

Maybe if it was more to do with the baby I'd have cared more IE Mary asking him if he's going to look after the baby or not in a firmer fashion. That would set up the idea in our head that this young lad having a drink and gambling his money away was the problem figure and then you'd get the reversal at the end.

Having said that, and I think I might be alone in this judging by the other comments, my sympathy isn't really with Sam anyway. We don't really see Mary do anything wrong, apart from going out and getting drunk. Sam is the one that hits her and despite being egged on, it doesn't really seem justifiable. Although there is the indication from Sam that she's cheated, we as the audience don't see it. We just see her getting drunk and then coming home. Quite normal behaviour for a twenty year old and she says he can go out as well. Not her fault he doesn't take her up on it.

It's also Sam who instigates the confrontation, following her after she's left the room. Later he aggressively grabs her face while she's on the toilet. That's quite a violent image really. Despite your attempts to show Sam as a sympathetic figure with his child, he comes across as a psychopath in his actual behaviour.

As I say, you don't show Mary cheating on him, so we only have Sam's paranoia to go off and going off what we've actually been shown, rather than the tone, I'm not really sure who I'd believe. There is some overt manipulation of our feelings with her smile as Brian is about to beat him and her violent episode in the middle, but again this is instigated by Sam who is trying to kidnap her Baby.

I didn't really buy the ending either with Mary apologising whilst her Dad was still in hospital. There's a fair chance Sam would be up for attempted murder, after all he doesn't have any witnesses and I can't see a reason why Mary and her family would have had a change of heart. The money issue doesn't cut it as she was going out without Sam's blessing so she can clearly fund her own lifestyle one way or another.

As a former lawyer. I'd also say there's about as much chance of Sam getting custody of the kid as there is of Newcastle winning the league. There are multiple eye witnesses that can establish that he's a wife beater.

Witnesses have seen him give his wife a black eye, he's put someone in hospital long term with a savage attack and he's just assaulted his wife again in full view of a crowded pub. He's going down without a shadow of a doubt.

Really good effort though, i think you just need to establish Mary's neglect slightly more and tone down Sams violence a little if you actively want the audience to take the side of Sam, or alternatively see more of Mary's interior struggle if you want to go for a more ambivalent ending where there's no right or wrong and everybody hurts kind of thing.

Cheers Rick, some really good points you make there.

I've just checked the North East Film Fund website and downloaded some forms. The free script reading sounds helpful, I'll probably touch this up then send it over to them. The application for funding is a bit complicated though, projected budgets and yearly figures etc....couldn't find the tick-box for GIVE ME SOME MONEY haha.

Sam gives Mary a black eye in their apartment at night so I'm not sure where the witnesses were? I see what you're saying about Mary just being your normal 20 year old woman, I don't fully agree, but yeah maybe some actual neglect of the child would help paint a bad picture of her.

Thanks for checking it out mate.

P.S. If you have any good links for websites to do with child custody and assault laws, then I'm all ears. Think research on both will be needed for the feature.

"Sam gives Mary a black eye in their apartment and night so I'm not sure where the witnesses were?"

Yeah, not witnesses as such in that instance, but he's given her a black eye so there is evidence of it and he's admitted it to the father.

Sam has no allies apart from his mother and she wasn't there during the fight at the end. Mary has the character references of all her friends and her father etc.

It would be Sams word against hers and the actual evidence would look fairly damning on Sams part. People are not going to look kindly on someone who causes actual bodily harm to their wife.

You don't really need to know the law to think like a lawyer. It's an adversarial system, whoever puts the best argument across will win. It's not an inquisitive system like the French for example where the judges interview both sides and tries to work out the truth. If you were Mary's lawyer think how easy it would be to paint a bad picture of Sam.

You may want to explore this point though. There are lots of conflicts lurking in the background of the script that you can bring out. The difficulty of young people raising children, how violence passes through generations, the difficulty of behaving in a reasonable way when you're under pressure etc

"The application for funding is a bit complicated though, projected budgets and yearly figures etc....couldn't find the tick-box for GIVE ME SOME MONEY haha."

Put a shout out for a NE based Producer on shooting people or Mandy or check out sites like DVXuser forr advice on budgets. It's pretty simple stuff really. You can find free templates on the web that work on excel or whatever.

One word of advice, get a Producer who is either disabled or of an ethnic minority. As manipluative as that sounds, it will give you a far greater chance of success.

It's difficult for the disabled to find work in the media so they're more likely to support them.

A word of warning about drama as well, if you're thinking of turning it into a feature. It's very, very hard to get funding for a drama without an overt marketing hook or major named talent. The vast majority of scripts written seem to be drama's. Festivals are flooded with them and even really excellent films are finding it hard to  get shown. For instance there were 2500 feature submissions to Sundance last year, most of them dramas. the vast majority can't even get in to the festival let alone get picked up for distribution.

As an artist i would say write what you feel inspired to write as a Producer I would say that you night want to think about finding a way to make it stand out from the crowd.

All the best,

Rick.

Thanks Rick

I've just joined Mandy and sent some query emails to producers. Already got some replies.

Thanks for the advice.

Ste

Hey Ste,

Just checked out your script.

I like it, think it's a solid piece of work.  I've got Acid House although it has been a while since I last saw it.

Was this based on the second story?  The one about the guy with a moustache?

It's nice that you've wrote a story that changes the tables and makes her look bad.  She annoyed me in the story.  And that guy upstairs pissed me off.  Felt sorry for the guy having to put up with that bird..

It was very quick to read too.

If you're going to talk about Newcastle, try to squeeze that Keegan quote when he was talking about United.  "I'd lov' it if we beat them!"  That would be cool.

Overall, not a bad word to say.  I know Acid House and feel Irvine Welsh would be happy with what you've done.

All the best,


Javier

Cheers Javier

Yeah, it's the second story. In that story she has a very violent uncle that is only in the story during the wedding reception. I always expected him to reappear so I wanted to try taking Welsh's story and twisting it a bit to show that angle more.

Pleased you liked it mate.

Ste

Ste, nice writing.

A lot has been said already so I'll keep it short.

I liked how you portrayed the characters. Especially Mary and Sam. Sam was a good guy in my book and I was pleased to see his concern for the baby.

Mary was an extreme bitch. I consider her behavior spousal abuse. I read somewhere that it is quite common, but men rarely report it because they think it would make them seem weak. I think you handled that in a way that seemed very real to me.

Brian was well done as well, but he was just a big bully.

The ending was okay, but felt somehow that this is in no way over yet. When Brian gets out he might even kill Sam. Like someone else said earlier. I would have liked to see a more complete ending.

Nice one Ste. Good job!  :-)

Hey Ste,

Thought with it being your Birthday and all, I would read one of your scripts.   This one was a pretty good choice.  Good and intense story here.  Nice dialogue.  It could use to be a bit longer so I can see why you would want to expand it.

I think the first place I would expand it would be after the wedding. I think we kind of need to see a montage at this point of the happy times.   See their relationship building into what it is when you present the honeymoon as being over.  It would also give you a chance to establish Mary's threat of her father over Sam more securely.

Just an aside at this point there was a technical thing.  

INT. SAM AND MARY’S FLAT, BEDROOM - NIGHT
INT. SAM AND MARY’S FLAT, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

The second one can be just LIVING ROOM.  It will flow better.

Mary goes out.  Show us where she goes.  We know wink wink where she was but if we really know where she was, maybe how she feels about Sam even, it might give her more dimensions, maybe even more a reason for her to be liked.  I think we need to like her a bit more.  If you just hate a villain you lose some  of the emotional impact in the story.

She comes home and you use the word paralytic to describe her.  That usually means a person suffering from paralysis, yet she is moving around.

I don't really have much to add from their drunk argument on.  It's pretty good.  

The only thing I would add was that the end scene was a continuation of the first scene.  I had to reread the first couple of pages to realise that.  I don't think it would be as much of an issue on the screen, but you may want to look at keeping that timeline afloat during the story by interjecting little scenes of it as the other timeline progresses.

Overall, you did a very good job. You're truly improving as a writer.

Thanks for checking it out Pia and Michael.

I agree about the ending Pia. I'll be trying to make it a lot more complete when expanding this. Hopefully, I'll manage to get all three main characters to be likeable enough and it'll feel like they've all had a proper arc by the end.

Good advice about where to expand this Michael, thanks. I think showing where Mary goes to could be a very good choice actually. One idea I've just had while reading your post was to have that scene as just in Sam's head, so it isn't real, just him being paranoid. Sounds very difficult to make clear in a script that though, so maybe best have it in reality.

There's a word in England we use to describe someone who's pissed out of their mind on the sauce...I thought it was paralytic but I think it's something different. Paraletic, maybe? Anyway, it's supposed to mean pissed but thanks for the spot.

Shit, my post got deleted…twice!  And I didn't save it...so, I'll have to try it again.

Sorry for taking so long on reading this, Ste.

I wish I could just agree with the majority and say it was great, but it didn't work that way for me.  I feel more like Decadence, as I didn't feel that Mary did much to be looked at as this complete horrible bitch.  Sure, she did some crappy things, but we didn't really see much, and Sam was the one who hit her, took the baby, and then beat Brian over the head with a fire poker.  I just can't side with Sam completely, and I know that in the real world, he'd be in a world of trouble for his actions, any way you look at it.

The script was extremely Britiish, which isn't a bad thing, of course, it's just difficult for me, cause I don't get the slangs, jokes, and references.  I also am not familiar with the source material, so maybe I'm not the best one to comment here.

As Sniper said, your slugs were clunky, as you attempted to use both full slugs, but led into them as if you were going to use "mini slugs".  I personally like full slugs, no matter where we are, but leading into them with thngs like, "Sam moves into the..." and then using a full slug with INT, etc., just didn't work.

At 19 pages, the script feels short, but at the same time feels like you didn't necessarily choose the right things to include, if you know what I mean.

I'm just not sure what the meaning of it all was.  It was surprsingly violent at times, and the violence felt out of place.  It also felt disjointed with the flashback and jumps in time.  I don't think enough was shown before the flashback, which was the majority of the script.

Don't mean to rain on your parade, brother.  Hope this helps in some ways.

Best to ya!

Hey Jeff, cheers man.

I wasn't going for one character to be completely in the wrong. Sam is supposed to be a more sympathetic character than Mary, but just in that he is the only one that looks after the kid.

I am going to extend this to a feature, so hopefully I'll be able to really expand the three main characters in here.

When you say that Sam would be in a world of trouble, I don't fully agree. A friend of mine once went over to his ex's house to confront her and her new boyfriend. The new boyfriend kicked the shit out of him after my mate threw the first punch, my mate was the one that got done by the police. In this, there's been a forced entry, a viscious assault and many threats (surely, overheard by neighbours and to a lesser extent, legally, by his mother) so I think he would get off skot free. Maybe, the use of a dangerous weapon would be a bigger problem but I don't think it's too far of a stretch to think he would at most get a short prison sentence (something that could work really well for the feature.)

Irvine Welsh wrote Trainspotting, if you've seen that. Scottish writer. Top stuff, should check out some of his stuff if you can put up with extreme scottish slang. It's not so bad for me because Scottish and Geordie are very similar.

The slugs were just something I tried out and as I was writing it I didn't really like them. I decided to persevere just to see what other people thought. Will be my one and only time trying it like that.

With regard to structure, I see what you mean, I think there needs to be more reason for it to be told like that or to ditch the whole present day - flashback - present day format. I'm gonna try to do it the same way with the feature but with more of a build up pre flashback, but will go the other way if it doesn't work out.

Cheers again mate.

Ste

"A friend of mine once went over to his ex's house to confront her and her new boyfriend. The new boyfriend kicked the s*** out of him after my mate threw the first punch, my mate was the one that got done by the police. In this, there's been a forced entry, a viscious assault and many threats (surely, overheard by neighbours and to a lesser extent, legally, by his mother) so I think he would get off skot free. "

You are allowed to use reasonable force to defend yourself from an immediate attack. Hence your friend getting done. He committed assualt and the other guy had a right to defend himself.

In the situation you've created, Sam lets the guy into his house and gets a beating. If he fights back there and then he has a fair shout at using reasonable force.

HOWEVER, you show Brian leaving him alone. The beating has finished and Sam is no longer in danger of being attacked which makes it a revenge attack and Grievous Bodily hram at the very least and as much as Attempted Murder.

I certainly wouldn't be confident of getting a wife-beater, a child kidnapper and someone who has knocked someone unconscious with a poker off scot free...

It would be an extremely contentious case. There are illegal acts on both sides. one thing I could say with certainty is that Sam wouldn't get the kid. Absolutely no way. It would stay with it's mother or be put into care. Sam is demonstrably far too violent.

As it stands Sam has committed at least three illegal acts. Two violent ones and one a kidnapping. They're fairly serious crimes.

If it's your intention to be ambivalent with the charcaters IE the violent Sam who is a dutiful father, the violent Brian who is a dutiful father etc to show the good and bad in people then it is fine. If you really want us to sympathise with Sam it does need to be toned down. IMO of course.

TBF i think the ambivalence works. It's more realistic and makes the audience work a bit more. Leaves it so we don't know what is going to happen in the future.