Friends for Life by Paul J. Williams - Short, Drama - A family's move to a new neighborhood brings change they weren't looking for. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Third Place in December '08 Movie Poet short contest

I really liked this script.  Starting from Jake and Rob playing really emphasizes the surprise when the twist happens.  When Jake's mom says "imaginary", I was caught completely off-guard, and was caught off-guard again with the revelation that Jake is also dead.

The one weak spot in the script, IMO, is the revelation that Rob is not imaginary, but dead.  Dr. Young delivers it in rather cliche exposition, which doesn't really work.  Improve that, as well as some minor issues, and you have a great short.  

I eagerly await your next script.

I think it's a terrific script.  Better than many of the episodes of Hitchcock's old shows.  I think the way it was revealed that Rob was actually a ghost was excellent!

Thanks guys, I appreciate you reading and commenting on my script.

Paul

First off well done on the MP placement. I concur with what was said above this was very good. With the risk of sounding like a "know it all" I got what was going on with the line:

"Rob pitches a ball to Jake, who swings right through it." -- Having said that, it still kept me reading to the end.

The circumstances in which Jake died did come as a surprise & it was executed & revealed brilliantly.

Your prose is the tightest I've seen, very minimalistic - yet, we the reader know everything that is going on or all that we need to know anyway.

It’s a technique I could well do with brushing up on myself & your script is an ideal template to work off.

Great job.

Col.

Col., thanks for reading and commenting.

You don't sound like a know-it-all. When you have a surprise or twist ending, you have to put little clues throughout, so that at the end the audience says, "Damn, I should have seen that coming!"

The only problem is some people along the way will pick up on the clues and guess what the truth is. Oh, well, it happens.

Thanks again for your thoughts.

-Paul

P.S.- Apocalypse Now and Chinatown are two of my favorite movies!

Two great films, bud. I actually watched Chinatown"" again recently...and again...and again. Fu?king great piece of cinema.

Was that really a hint? "Rob pitches...Jake swings right throuh it"

I thought it meant he completely missed the ball? And besides how can they be playing with a physical ball and not a physical bat? In fact how can ghosts interact with any physical object...Anyhow I agree about the comment that the Dr's revelation about Rob was not very realistic (maybe that could be the reason why she visited?) and one other thing why was Rob a little evil? I know he had red hair and everything but did i miss something?

Thoughts aside, good script....

It's a hint in the sense that "swings right through it" is a play on words. He literally missed the ball pitched to him, but since he's not there in reality, and fades away from the reader/audience when this is revealed, I chose those words for those actions.

In terms of ghost stories, there's no steadfast rules and just think of these two boys in some sort of afterlife where they can engage in activities in a world they're familiar with, but cannot interact with the living.

Rob's more selfish than evil, but lacks the guidance of an adult to tell him what's right and wrong. So, he had an opportunity to have a new "friend for life," but it sort of backfired on him, and an opportunity arrived for a new friend.

Thanks for reading and commenting. I truly appreciate it.

-Paul

Cool.

Really good script here. Everything was revealed perfectly and it was really engaging. I liked the last line "I think I need a new friend", really good.

Hey Majorgeneral, thanks for the read and the comments. I'm glad you enjoyed it.