The Strip by Babentman - Short - When given up to the authorities, a disgruntled "hitwoman" decides to ressign on her own terms. 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

There are parts of this that are very well written, with many of the requisite clichés thrown in for good measure.

But I do not like underlined sluglines.  I have seen it elsewhere, but do not care for it myself.  I think it adds clutter to the page as opposed to actually clarifying anything for the reader.

In terms of story, your characters reveal their backstory with a leisurely pace that feels natural and suits the story, but you do make a few odd choices along the way.

Three long paragraphs for the Bodyguard flashback is too much.  I think the effect you are going for is something quick.  She shoves his face into the mirror -- CRUNCH -- then back to the scene.  Quick cuts.  Lingering in the bathroom too long disrupts the flow, and frankly, it makes it less believable that this girl could actually take the guy, you know?

Then you have Sebastian pull a gun on her, but he does nothing as Alexa slowly raises her own pistol and shoots him.  I had a hard time swallowing that one.  You should never let Sebastian get the gun.  Either Alexa has done something with the gun or she does not let him get it or whatever.

And then -- and I am gonna grumble here -- you pull the rug out from under Alexa with a misspelling in her final line of dialogue!  Argh!  The very last line.  Your punchline.  A misspelling there undermines everything.

I am seeing this all the time now and I just do not get it.  Run a spell-check people!

There are many good things in this one -- you clearly have talent -- but there are also a few things that could be improved.  Sorry about going off on the spell-check, but I have seen that three times in as many days, I think.    

Hello Brett,

Your story's not bad but could be better.  What spoiled it for me wasn't the spelling error but the line itself.  It sounds way too corny.

Your story sounds like the end of a very big story.

This Alexa bird has obviously got some mystery about her.  Why not move the flashback to the beginning and have Sebastian try to contact his bodyguard but never receives a reply?

Sebastian tries to retrieve something from his office but to no avail, Alexa has arrived and removed everything that has got her on this list and removed the weapons too.

This way Alexa has the upper hand and this resignation line can disappear.

If you can expand on the story and dive into both Alexa and Sebastian's background.  This could make for a very interesting read.

All the best,


Javier

This was a good set-up, with the female assassin a nice twist.  But, it seems there's just way too much backstory here that we aren't privy to, so it makes it hard to care about either character.

Why was Alexa's husband murdered?    How did she wind up as an assassin?

            SEBASTIAN
We had a deal. I can take you off
the list. I can make sure they
don't touch you.

There's a whole lot of stuff going on in those lines of dialogue.  Unfortunately, we have no clue what it is.  This seems like a very complex story you tried to cram into a few pages.

I agree with Bert that the fight with the bodyguard was unrealistic.  She's a tough chick, but outgrappling a big guy in a bathroom?  I don't think so.  A quick shot of her sticking a knife into the back of his neck would have worked just fine and you would have saved a lot of page space for explaining the story more.

I also agree that Sebastian went down too easily.  True, he's not a killer by nature, but he would have to know that his life is in grave danger.  What if Alexa knew about the gun under the desk and took the bullets out or, even better, lodged something inside the barrel, so the gun blows up in Sebastian's hand as he fires?

This just seemed like a bigger story than you could fit into the page count.  Maybe think of expanding it and really delve into the characters.

I think the script worked very well.  True, there is a lot of backstory not being told.  Perhaps some small flashbacks to reveal:

a) death of husband
b) how Alexa became an assassin

I do like the way the bathroom fight worked.  How she really had to struggle to take him out, yet so cooly says, "We met.", as though it were nothing.  Really shows the steel of her character.

Excellent!

Thanks for reading. I resubmitted the work without the final line spelling error. Even SP software makes mistakes I suppose.

The reason this is called a SHORT is because I didn't WANT to give away any of the backstory...just yet. Now that I see that readers want to know  more... I can reveal it. It's a teaser. The bathroom scene is no more  unrealistic than some the scenes in many of the scripts produced in Hollywood today.

I will post the feature so those of you who want more can read. Thank you all for your posts and best of luck!

Thanks. The Strip is being finished as a feature! Stay tuned!

Hi Brett,

I think it's fairly obvious you have bigger plans for this one, and it shows in the short you have posted.

You have effectively presented a conversation, and we get to see Sebastian being blown away, but without a clue as to why.

On that basis, it is difficult to know how to approach this one - are we critiquing this one on the basis of what we see, or of what we might like to see?

Many questions are open, but I will leave those out and see whether or not they're answered in the feature.

I would add my 0.02 and say that the action sequence between the bodyguard and Alexa was disproportionate to the short you have presented, but I assume it has been lumped direct from your feature.

Pretty good little teaser then, and I look forward to reading the final work.

Best of luck with it.

Andrew

Just read this now... Holy crap the beginning reminded me of the opening scene of Casino Royale - you seen it? The dude gets out his car, then rides an elevator to his office, where he finds James Bond sitting in the dark. He then turns on the desk lamp, and retrives his gun from under his desk. Also, James Bond is accusing the guy of selling him out (well selling secrets).

Ahhhh man, you then intercut it with a bathroom scene, complete with bathroom stall dividers smashing in a domino effect. This is exactly what happens in Casino Royale... James Bond also kills the guy by drowning him in a basin.

In Casino Royale, James also shoots the guy a few times, then says a final, kind of qwerky line... Reminded me a lot of what happened here.

If you haven't seen the opening scene to Casino Royale, here it is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNvzNWuzI9Y

But apart from the ridiculous similarities between the script and Casino Royale, I thought it was good. Was a decent story - Dialogue felt natural, and you managed to get the back story across without dialogue seeming on-the-nose.

I thought Sebastian's 'arc' was a bit extreme though... He's trying to be the 'tough' guy, then suddenly, he just caves. I think arc needs to happen over a longer period of time, which will happen when you expand this into a feature.

But yeah, it was a well written, enjoyable script. I'll look forward to reading the feature when it's finished... Just make sure to get rid of the Casino Royale, Tarantino style 'homage'.

Toby :)

This was OK, nice style to it, Alexa was a cool character exacting her revenge in the only way an assasin knows.

I think Bert among others above have offered some sound advice on what the story is lacking. I think as it went on it did start to descend into cliche, the whole "waiting in the office in darkness" has been seen a 100 times before.

On the other hand I liked the flashback scene, it was very well written, a little unbelivable maybe but Alexa is a trained hitman after all so you'd expect a certain degree of physical agility & prowess about her to get out of such situations. so on that basis I don't think its too far-fetched.

Just the insecurities of men having to be the superior, stronger, smarter species at all times no matter what the case. I reckon it would be quite a potent image on screen to see a women kick seven bells out of a bodyguard of all people, hmmm I'd like to see that actually.

I think the biggest problem plot wise which has already being eluded to is the fact that Seb allows her to take her gun out even though he has one pointed at her, its just a little improbable and lame on Seb's part he complete surrenders the initiative over to her.

Then again I suppose she knew him when she said he couldn't do it, but still I think you should rework that, give Alexa the advantage somehow, it is her story after all.

Overall, not bad, some good exchanges. It packs a lot of punch for a 4 pager. I see you have a feature in the pipeline, it'll be one to watch.

Best of luck

Col.

Thanks, It's in the early stages but I hope to finish in a month or so. Cheers