The Warrior by Carlos Ferreira - Drama - Jenny, the mother of Nicole, has given birth to triplets. Jenny is told that the triplets had died of suffocation. Alexander, the triplets' father fights Veronica, Jenny's mother. He fights her outside of the hospital, Veronica kills him. 16 years later Nicole is working in a powerful empire which merchandises high tech electronic devises. She steps out of work and a man follows her. In a lonely alley The man stops her, telling her to take her clothes off, threaten with a gun she refuses. Then she approaches him, kicks him in the nuts and punches him in the face. He smacks her, she suddenly enlarges her hair, grabs his feet, and arms with her hair, and then breaks his neck.  115 pages - pdf, format 8)

I enjoyed writting this screenplay, hope you enjoy reading it.

Carlos, please take this as friendly advice, the way it’s intended.

Your logline is too long. It tells too many specifics of the story. And it’s confusing. It’s a put-off and I think you should seriously consider how you might condense and simplify it.

I popped the script open and I see some problems right out of the gate. First off, it’s very obvious your knowledge of women giving birth comes from watching movies. Now I’m not saying you have to experience personally everything you write about, but a little research is often in order. Your description just doesn’t ring authentic.

Your dialogue is also very unrealistic. The doctor tells Jenny to rest (without seeing her sons!) and Jenny says, “OK Dr. White.” That’s not only not standard procedure but it’s highly unlikely a new mother will be so casual about not seeing her children after they’re born.

They tell Jenny her boys suffocated without explaining exactly how such a thing happened. Then Jenny actually says, “Please tell me you’re joking doctor.”

No one would respond that way. Who would think their doctor was joking when he told them their children were dead? And then the doctor responds, “I wish I was.” That’s just not realistic at all.

Then Jenny gets out of bed and runs away - after having delivered three children just a few hours ago!

Your logline’s job is to get people to open the script. I know it’s hard to write them. In some ways it’s harder than writing the darn script. But it needs to be a simple hook. Then the job of page 1 is to get a reader to read page 2. And so forth and so on. Few people are going to read your entire script when it seems it’s going to be tedious, confusing, and unrealistic.

Just some thoughts.


Breanne

Carlos, I agree with everything that Breanne said. Your logline tells us nothing of the actual story... You basically told us what happens to page 5, and don't give us any indication about what happens after that.

Your formatting is pretty off... You need to tell us whether locations are INT (interior) or EXT (exterior).

I read up until about page 5, and stopped... I can't take any story seriously where a women's hair grows and murders a man. No offence. If your log-line actually told us more of the story, then I might of read on. But at the moment, as it stands I didn't see any real reason to continue reading.

Toby.