Back Soon by Jon Barton (jonnyboy) - Short - Steve's plans for a family reunion go awry when things don't quite turn out as he'd anticipated… 16 pages - pdf, format 8)

This is my first ORIGINAL screenplay, based on an idea harvested from my own skull.

SPOILERS

Basically, I've read a good number of scripts where someone is unhappy, commits suicide and finds some sort of peace and resolution, so I wanted to flip that on its head. Also, it was sort of in a way influenced by the Disney TV movie 'Toothless', starring Kirstie Alley, which I remember seeing and loving as a little kid.

Hope you all enjoy! And since this is my first go at a REAL screenplay, feel free to be honest. Brutally so, if you feel it's required.

Hey Jon,

Just returning the favor.

Is a saloon a car?  Where I'm from a saloon is more like a bar/pub.

In the opening scene, this is a perfect example of where you can show a lot without saying anything at all.  I'm not one to harp on people using dialogue given my own writing style, but this one is pretty blatant.  You can tell Steve's depressed, and pretty much why.  No need for him to talk to himself and fill in details that are ultimately not that important.

Other than little tidbit, I enjoyed the story.  I think you managed to stockpile a lot of info in here, and it was a pretty entertaining read.  From a production standpoint, I would do a little bit of shuffling to the room doesn't contain billions and billions of people.  Sure, he can still have the long number, but maybe he's shuffled into a room with people that share the same last name as him, something a little more unusual than Richards.  That way, you can get away with 20 or so people.  Just a thought.

Anyway, nice work.

This was an entertaining read, while it wasn't the most original thing I've ever read.  Some things were a little derived from other things I've seen...for example the pulling of the number and the number being ridiculous long was straight out of Beetlejuice. Also the "Jesus Christ!" "Where!" dialog I've seen used a lot and the "Limbo for unbaptised babies" is a joke straight out of Family Guy, you might be unaware of these things but the stuck out to me.

The dialoug for the most part was 50/50 half was fine, half was pretty clunky.  There was a lot of long passages of dialoug and people for the most part don't talk like that. I think the biggest problem you have here though is the first scene, does some talk to themself like that? I think it would've worked fine without the talking or something maybe like this:

INT. CAR - DAY

STEVE, 38, well-kept but weary, sits in a suit in the front seat. In his hands he holds a photo, a holiday snap of a beautiful woman holding a beautiful baby boy. Steve looks
down at the photo. A tear lands on the woman's face.

A gun rests on Steve's thigh.

Music comes from the CD player, a sad love song. When the chorus arrives,
he mouths along, crying a little more. He wipes his eyes.

He looks down at the gun, touches it with his fingertips.

He raises the photo to his mouth, kissing it.

                                         STEVE
                                    (a whisper)
                                     I love you.

He lets the photo fall from his fingers, swings the gun up
and presses the muzzle underneath his chin. He screws his
eyes shut, breathes in.

Everything goes white. Then, the sound of a single gunshot.



I think this would work a lot better, saying a little sometimes says a lot.  I hope I helped out some, I enjoyed the simple note that God left, it made me chuckle.

All the luck

Tanner

Hi guys, thanks for reading. Glad you both found enjoyment in it. You are, of course, both right about the opening scene. I will change that immediately.

Mike: yep, saloon's a kind of car. I'll alter that to something similar-but-different, though, to avoid any confusion. Also, I did at first go with the angle of him being in a smaller room, but thought that it wouldn't quite pack the same punch. I'll think on it.

Tanner: never seen Beetlejuice, and the Limbo of the Infants thing I just found on the Wikipedia article for 'Limbo', and it seemed like quite a nice idea so I thought I'd use it. Of course, I know that even inadvertent references can be distracting. I'm currently reading Cliff and Wendy, should have a review soon.

Cheers guys,

Jon

JonnyBoy,

As directoboy mentioned, this one wasn't completely original but still a highly engaging read. I was able to get through it relatively quickly and it made for an enjoyable read.

The main problem I have with this one though is that the two main characters come off as rather plain to me. For Harry I think it works because he's been in limbo long enough that most of his personality has probably faded but since Steve just got there, I feel as if his character should appear more developed than Harry's as he hasn't had as much time to lose touch with who he is.

Other than that I enjoyed the read like I said. Good luck on this and the rest of your work!

I liked this idea very much.  The dialogue in the beginning was a little too much, but I think you could work that out easily enough.

I liked the idea that anyone didn't feel like waiting had an easy out.  They could just go to hell.  I wonder if I'd last.  :)

Now, about the idea of this not being original, or being derivative and so forth.  If a person who has never seen the wheel invents a wheel, then it is actually original.  To not find a parallel of some sort from somewhere of any idea anymore would be pretty amazing.  if you have not seen Beetljuice, then the whole concept is original to you.

Good job.  I think it would make a great short, with Jimmy Stwewart as Harry, and Mickey Rooney as Steve.

You had me hooked. Never seen Beetlejuice so I don't know if they are in any way similar.

The dialogue at the start was strange with the guy talking to himself but from there on it was great. Harry's character was my favorite.

Someone mentioned it would be hard to shoot but I liked the never ending room with billions of people in it, has a very "Bruce Almighty" feel about it. Very easy to visualise, something you are obviously very good at doing.

Apart from the dialogue at the start, I'd really need to nitpick to find something wrong with this. Your writing was once again spot on.

Great job.

Brian

Hey Steven, glad you liked it. The opening's been revised, have no fear. It was literally a question of cutting everything apart from the last line! As for the 'tempted by hell' part...this'll sound really pretentious, but the idea for the this short partly came from the Becket play 'Waiting for Godot' (in fact, I was originally going to call it 'Waiting for God'). The two characters in that are waiting for the mysterious Godot, who never turns up. They consider ending their waiting either by suicide or by just leaving, but they never do. They just sit and wait. Even as the play ends, they're just waiting:

'Silence.

ESTRAGON: Well, shall we go?

VLADIMIR: Yes, let's go.

They do not move.'

And the reason I called Harry by that name (instead of just Tracksuit Man) was that Old Harry is a name for the Devil...and Harry tempts Steve with the idea of going to Hell...see? Of course, all of that is far too much thinking for a simple, straightforward short.

Hi Brian, thanks for the read. Yep, the dialogue at the start is actually painfully unnecessary now that I read it back. Lesson learned there. Thanks for your appreciative comments about the rest of it. I enjoyed writing Harry, so I'm glad you liked him. In my mind, he was definitely in Limbo due to some sort of sexual indisrection. The old rascal.

Thanks again!

Jon

(P.S. Just uploaded a new draft, with a revised opening scene. In response to Mike's confusion over the 'saloon' car - apparently you lot call them 'sedans' - I thought I'd change it to an estate. And guess what? You call them something else, too! 'Station wagons', I think. So I just went with 'five-door'. Which isn't what I imagined, but there you go.)

You had a great opening for your story but the dialouge was terrible. It was just so phony and false. Your images are so striking and make it painfully clear what is happening you don't even need dialouge.

The rest of the script was interesting. but as everyone has said it has been done before.  (God vanishing act remind me of Dark Material trilogy where character blame God's incompetence for all the suffering in the world and plan to hunt down and kill God but when reach Heaven he discover that God is just a dried up old husk way past his used by date )

The only weakest thing I found with your writing was the dialouge. it was just too chunky (how many people do you know talk in paragraphs?) and to much exposition.  

Hey Glenn, thanks for the read.

I'm becoming increasingly embarassed about the dialogue in the opening scene...I literally cut everything but the last line in the updated draft. I've uploaded it, so hopefully when Don posts it we can all pretend it never happened, okay? :)

It's a pity that everyone has pretty much branded this as unoriginal. I actually love His Dark Materials and sort of see the parallel you're drawing...to me, I thought the focus of this story wasn't the fact that God was missing, but that Steve's attempt at forcing a reunion with his family had gone so wrong. Ne'er mind though, eh?

As for the dialogue being clunky...I'll try and make some lame attempt to argue that Harry just liked to talk, at length, because he hadn't had anyone to talk to for a while. The counter-argument to that is that if that's his motivation, he should probably go ahead and spell that out. The dialogue IS a little clunky...hopefully that'll improve the more I write.

Thanks again,

Jon

I'm fairly sure this is against the rules, but thought I'd just call attention to the fact the new draft of this is up. Anyone who hasn't read it yet and thought they might, please do! The first scene is now bearable.

Thanks,

Jon

Hi Jon,
Have just read drafts 1 & 2 & I have a few comments. Re the over-description in the opening - well you have definitely fixed the probs. there, however, I would also delete the reference to the "song obviously meaning a lot to Steve" - considering Steve is crying and "mouthing the words" to the song, that description is not needed either imo.

I also think you could still go through and streamline the dialogue especially for "The Attendant" and for Harry. For example Harry seems to understand how Steve feels when he meets him: "What the hell is happening, where the hell am I"? but then a few lines down says, "You okay friend, you seem awful quiet" and "Well, why the didn't you say". Too many paras of dialogue for me there that could be streamlined into one I think. Also, the attendant's line doesn't ring true for me as to why God disappeared - "Ever since that business with his son" doesn't work for me. The line itself is clever but ultimatly the resurrection is celebrated. Am I missing something here?? My suggestion would be to mention the state the world is in now, I don't know, perhaps mention God being upset with humanity never learning their lesson regarding wars etc.

I think I know what you were going for here. I've seen Waiting for Godot performed on stage and I've also seen the movie "Toothless". Both of them, though seemingly hopeless scenarios in the beginning, contained good doses of humour and optimism which I think, (though there are moments of attempts at humour in yours) it's missing from yours. Having said this, it's a good cautionary tale for those contemplating "doing themselves in" cause really my lasting impression is that they are indeed in hell.

In summing up, although it's not my pick theme-wise, I can appreciate it for the fact it is thoughtfully and intelligently written and I did want to read on. I'll be looking out for more of yours to read.  :)

Hello Jon,

I've just finished reading your script.  It's alright.  I think you have a good premise that doesn't quite nail it for me.  The script was about 5-10 pages too long.

I think you may have done a minimal amount of research on the topic of Limbo/purgatory/Judgment Day.

I think you could have thrown in a story about someone actually opting to go to hell.

Jesus is obviously about.  How about him making a guest appearance?

Anyway, this is your first attempt and I can see you'll only get better.  It's the type of quirky idea I like so will look out for anything else you do.

You do have some errors left in your script.  For example, the glaring error Hsrry, there's a line with a missing word, the odd grammar error.  I won't go on and on.  If you do decide to rewrite this, break the long streams of dialogue up.

All the best,


Javier

Hey LC and Javier, thanks for the reads. Clunky dialogue definitely appears to be the problem with this script. Even when I was writing it I could see it was essentially Harry monologuing, then Steve briefly interjecting, then Harry monologuing again. Which is why for my next short, I decided to omit dialogue altogether! There must be a middle-ground, though.

As for the scenario...it was my response to shorts I've read where someone kills themselves and that seems to be some sort of resolution, a happy ending if you will. So really I just wanted a story that STARTED with someone committing suicide, and then ending up realising that it doesn't work like that. The first scene, I now like (although I will cut that little clause, thanks LC). The rest? I'll probably need to start that again from scratch.

Cheers guys!

Hey JohnnyBoy,

Even though there are a lot of problems with this one, I think it is still ahead of the curve for your first crack at an original script.  One of the problems brought up most often so far is the originality of your original script.  The way I see it, this is the least of your worries.  All artists start out mimicking things that have been done before.  Taking a familiar idea and putting your own twist on it is a fine way to develop your writing chops.  Trying to come up with something that’s never been done before AND trying to learn how to write screenplays at the same time is likely to paralyze you before you start.

Alright, so let’s start with the good stuff.  The format and writing was generally very good.  Some tweaks could be used here and there, but this applies to everyone and is the easiest of things to correct.  Overall the script was amusing (I got a few chuckles out of it), and I was pulled through the story wanting to know how it would be resolved.  Always a good sign!  Folks have mentioned Beetlejuice a lot due to the waiting room convention, but I was reminded of Defending Your Life with Albert Brooks and Meryl Streep.  The bureaucratic process of getting into heaven and all.  I loved the “your soul is important to us” bit – perfecto.  I also like the fact that God’s idea of soon and our idea of soon aren’t quite the same thing.

Now for the trouble spots.  Big-picture-wise, I think I’m most troubled with the “resolution.”  Although it is very fitting, I didn’t find it at all satisfying.  Your main character ends up in Limbo, and that’s where the story leaves us as well.  With this being the end result, all of Steve’s gyrations upon reaching the waiting hall become pointless.  Which I guess is the point.  But with that much activity, and build-up, I was expecting something more.  With the ending as you currently have it, I think you would need to knock this down to less that 10 pages for it to work for an audience.  At 15 pages, we feel somewhat cheated after being set up for something more “meaningful.”  I don’t think it is an inherently bad way to end it, you just have to get us there quicker.

The next big problem I had was with Steve’s motives and ignorance.  He kills himself to be reunited with his dead wife and son, but doesn’t even know if there is an afterlife.  So he’s obviously not a religious person.  Therefore, even if there is an afterlife, what makes him think he’s going to heaven?  He believes he’s a decent person, so he figures this might be good enough, even though he doubts the existence of God and an afterlife, likely doesn’t go to church, and all that goes along with this.  And even if he is willing to risk it all anyway, he seems like a fairly intelligent person who should be aware before killing himself that suicide is considered a sin by all the major religions.  So his logic has this huge hole in it from the outset.  Perhaps he is deranged with grief and isn’t thinking straight, but we never see this.  He’s upset in the car, but appears to be basically in control of his faculties.  

I’m also not crazy about the fact that he is as disoriented as he is, especially to the point of forgetting his purpose until the end of page 8.  I would expect Maria and Charlie to be the first thing he thinks of upon waking up in the ticket room.  When told to take a ticket and move along, he should be pressing the old man for information about finding his wife and kid.

The initial dramatic question is, “Why did Steve kill himself.”  You hint at the answer in the opening scene with the line “I’ll find you,” but don’t nail it down for us until page 9 (past the halfway point).  In the meantime, you raise the other dramatic question, “Why the backlog to be judged?” which comes on page 6.  So, at page 9 we have “Will Steve be able to reconnect with his family in heaven?” with the obstacle being, “Will he figure out what's causing the backlog and overcome it?”  The backlog problem is explained to him on page 12 and 13 (through no great effort on his part), and this raises the questions, “Where did God go?  Why did He leave?  And when will He be back?”  These questions are left unanswered, as is the question about whether or not Steve will find his family.  The non-resolution leaves us all in Limbo.  A valid option, but not terribly satisfying.

And (yes there’s more – ain’t I a pain in the ass?), there are a lot of niggling little questions that bother me.  If all this time in Limbo effectively turns people into zombies, do they remain this way in heaven?  Harry believes so, or at least wants Steve to think so.  Why doesn’t Steve swipe a ticket from a zombie with a lower number?  Are we only judged for what we did in life, or also what we do in Limbo?  Was Limbo set up with plastic chairs 2000 years ago?  I don’t doubt they could do it, but it would see odd to see a Dark Ages monk or Roman Legionnaire sitting on cheap lawn furniture (funny though).  And, since God is omnipresent, it means He could have been judging people if He wanted, so I guess he just didn’t want to do it.  But if He ever changes his mind, he should be able clear out the backlog in the blink of an eye – again, that all-powerful thing.  Maybe it’s just me, perhaps no one else is wondering about such silliness.

Okay, enough poking.  I don’t know that this is worth spending a lot more time on unless you are particularly attached to this idea.  I think it serves as a great way to develop your skills and figure out the types of things you need to think about before developing your next masterpiece.  You can certainly tighten and sharpen this script up, but right now it feels a bit like this one is stronger on premise than it is on story.  As I said, I think this wouldn’t be as much of a problem if it were in the 5-8 page range, but at 15 you need to deliver a more solid resolution (with a definitive answer to at least one of the hanging dramatic questions).

Cheers,
-RayB

I liked your script of Back Soon. I thought it was a perceptive concept. There are certainly places to embellish your story but isn’t that the purpose of most short works? View it as a gem for your portfolio for when somebody asks “So what else you got?” Move on to your next project and keep those ideas coming.

Just finished reading this one.

It caught my eye in the first page or 2, because it has a similar theme to something I am writing myself.

Not entirely sure which draft is currently posted, but having read through the comments already posted, I am not sure there is much that hasn't already been touched on.

All in all, I liked the premise of the script, and I think the direction you have taken it is entertaining. There was an idea from Jayrex, I think, which was maybe focusing on somebody thinking "f*ck it", and going 'downstairs' - I think this would be a great little addition to the script.

There are a lot of questions that material of this nature can raise, and your script did resonate with me to a degree.

I'd like to see you tightening this one up, and posting again, if of course you wanted to do so!

Andrew