The Blind Date by Matthew Garcia - Short - Jeremy goes on a blind date and gets a little more than he bargained for. 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Matthew,

I enjoyed this one. Below are my suggestions/ comments :)

I think you should give us more description of what Jeremy looks like... The only description of him is that he wears a bow-tie. You leave the rest up to imagination.

Jasmine's name needs to be in capitals when she's introduced... Also, I hate the way you introduce her - I think this would sound better: "JASMINE, mini-skirt and tank top walks sexily up to Jeremy."

I liked the ending, it made me chuckle... Really caught me off guard. I think that you do need to state Jeremy and Jasmine's ages to make the ending really work though... I was imagining them as both being late 20s. Also, on the last page, for some reason, Jeremy's dialogue is listed as (MORE), but then no dialogue follows.

But yeah, I enjoyed this script. It was a nice little, entertaining short. Had a basic set-up, and an entertaining punchline.

Good work, man.

Toby.

It's funny, ragging on those "To catch a predator" shows that are so tiresome now.  I agree with Toby that you need to be more descriptive when you introduce the two characters.  You should at least hint at Jasmine's young appearance, without giving too much away.

It ended so suddenly, I thought I was missing a page.  I think you need more of a punch at the end.  Maybe have Jeremy turning the tables somehow on the girl and the camera crew.  You should also write FADE OUT to indicate the ending.

Also, on several occasions when Jasmine speaks you have her character written as JAMSMINE.

It was funny, I just wish you had followed through on the punch line more.

Good job.

Hi Matthew,

This was a pleasant and easy read.  I like the quirkiness.

The ending could be improved.

I would move the line "I just wanted to play checkers..." to the end and have Jeremy respond to the age 17 as if shocked or maybe question it.

All the best,


Javier

Fun.

Didn't really think much of the punchline. Liked the script up until the new reporter popped out actually but until then I found Jeremy endearing and odd. The banter between the two was fun to read but as I said, a lot of the enjoyment was sucked out once the reporter entered. Keep it up, though. Like your writing style.

Best,

G

Matthew,

This was a nice short and when the reporter came out, I didn't know what was going to happen, which kept me reading. When Jasmine was trying to get him to guess "sex" and instead he guessed Stratego, I laughed out loud. Great line. I agree with Javier, the very last line needs to be changed. I almost expected a trumpet to sound "whaaa waaaa". Other than that, very nice.

-kjb