Enough is Enough by Paul D. Nave’ - Short - A man, down and out, and fed-up with how life’s treating him, impulsively robs a bank. But things only get worse afterwards when he does things he never thought he was capable of. 16 pages - doc, format 8)

Hey Paul,

Few things I noticed here. First, your descriptions are nice and well-written, only no for screenplays. For example, you say the empty desk is the Manager's, but he's not in. How do we know it's the manager's? How do we know he's not in, he could be in the bathroom for all the viewer know. There's no guard. There never is. How is the view supposed to know, whether there is no guard "Shot of empty corner" or that there never is. You need to explain what we see in the ACTION formatting, not backstory.

CLOSE ON CHECK should be INSERT OF CHECK or similar.

You changed the name of Mrs. Tons-o-fun, Mrs. I gotta go on a diet and Mrs. Fatso. Keep the name the same in descriptions, as to avoid confusion.

Tell him... my treat. - AWESOME LINE.

At the bar, it kind of slowed down. It picked up pace early on and here, to me, seemed to come to a crawl, almost lost me.

Could be me, but I saw that the "man" was Laurie's lover the first time he mentions sex. I would've liked a morre "ah ha!" moment.

When Frankie hits the man with the limb, it make a "HORRIBLE SOUND". Describe that better.

Overall, I enjoyed the story. Work on your descriptions - make them physical and tangible. The line: And we can almost hear him saying, “how did this happen?” is confusing. I'm not sure what look that is. And it could be different to each reader. Fix up some of those descriptions and pick up the pacing halfway through, and you've got a solid script.

-kjb.