Space Pirates Rumble in the Docks by Dave Perry (Vladimir Jazz) - Action - The crew of the Dreadknot becomes entangled in a convoluted web of feigned terrorism and legitimate fraud as they, and two hard boiled detectives, race to find out what really happened during an explosion that left their ship stranded at a second-rate space station with a mysterious cargo crate. 53 pages - pdf, format 8)

"Legitimate fraud?"

Is this the same script as Rumble in the Docks?  Why post it twice?


Phil

It was not properly formatted and he redid it.  I think it was because he didn't realize to just resubmit it as new version.  

that would make sense.

Phil

I'm about halfway through, and I like the story very much.  I want to see what happens next, and that's what it's all about.

However, you have some problems with the formatting.  Your template is taking action sequences and turning them into Parentheticals, or you're using them when it should be action.  Look through the script and check it out.  Pages 4 and 9 for sure.

Thank you for the replies, haha, I actually completely forgot I had posted Rumble In The Docks here, and I have SimplyScripts on my faves list. If you liked this, I'll get right on posting a few other scripts for Space Pirates, but I warn you, it's becoming a sort of hour long episode series. The possible stories are just so engaging that I really think I could keep viewer attention for the full hour.

Again, I really appreciate the comments, and I apologize that the formatting was a bit rough for Rumble In The Docks. It was the first script I had written.

Quoted from steven8 I'm about halfway through, and I like the story very much.  I want to see what happens next, and that's what it's all about. However, you have some problems with the formatting.  Your template is taking action sequences and turning them into Parentheticals, or you're using them when it should be action.  Look through the script and check it out.  Pages 4 and 9 for sure.

Thanks, I appreciate it. I'm going to start using SimplyScripts a bit more often. I don't receive emails when people comment, and I'd simply forgotten I was a member.

I have two more Space Pirates scripts I think you'll enjoy, and another for an anime series drama called "Scratch."

I also do artwork for these cartoon concepts. If you'd like to see it, feel free to stop by my website for all my productions, (Petty Torture Productions), at pettytortureproductions.ning.com. The scripts are also available there, it's where I keep all production material.

Thanks again,
Dave Perry

Hey Dave.

Big problems with this script. Few points while I quickly looked over it...

- Break your dialogue up with action. Or cut lot's of it out, there are way too many chunks and it goes on way too long in spots.

- Have 5 lines of action at the most... chuck some more spaces in between it all.

- Only say stuff which can be seen on screen. This is a big one. There is no use explaining in the script what certain gadgets are and how they work, or the history of certain planets.... we can't see that one screen, so take them out, or show another way to show it, such as through dialogue.

Fix those three things up, and your script will be read by a lot more people.

Quoted from Tommyp Hey Dave. Big problems with this script. Few points while I quickly looked over it... - Break your dialogue up with action. Or cut lot's of it out, there are way too many chunks and it goes on way too long in spots. - Have 5 lines of action at the most... chuck some more spaces in between it all. - Only say stuff which can be seen on screen. This is a big one. There is no use explaining in the script what certain gadgets are and how they work, or the history of certain planets.... we can't see that one screen, so take them out, or show another way to show it, such as through dialogue. Fix those three things up, and your script will be read by a lot more people.

Thanks, I understand exactly what you mean. When I wrote this one, I wasn't entirely sure what I was doing, and I tend to be over-descriptive because I want people to see exactly what I see. I'll definitely keep your advice in mind as I continue to write.