Prison Altruism by Kevin Bowden (kabow) - Short - A elderly prison professor struggles with his wife's death and his job. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

Kevin,

I really don't know what to think of this one...

I didn't like the scenes between the professor and the warden. Not sure why, I think the warden didn't seem natural. And him given him the severance package seems unnatural, fake,

At first I thought Robert invited Fred over to have an actual intellectual discussion because he apparently can't with his own son, co-workers or boss. But when Fred pulle the gun, I can't help but wonder why. Why did he pull the gun and why did Robert invite him? Did he want to die, and if so, what made him think Fred would kill him? Was he a murderer? If so, why was he being let go? I assume Robert wanted to die because his wife is now dead.

I usually like asking questions after a film but this just frustrated me.

Nice, short actions and descriptions. No garbage in there. Not bad. I just want some answers ;)

-kjb.

I really wasn't too crazy about this. Seemed very pointless. Morbid for no other reason than to be morbid. The ending doesn't make sense. It's completely out of left field and I felt nothing whatsoever. The writing is extremely dry and I feel the same way toward the characters. The ending just made the whole film feel very pointless. All that I got out of this is... don't help people.

At the beginning, Robert is saying some dialogue but I'm pretty sure that was voice-over. You didn't write "(V.O.)" so that confused me.

As I said, I just didn't really like it at all. Characters are paper thin and the film's message is confused, morbid and pointless.

Keep at it though.

Best,

G

I think I understand the idea you were going for here, but it got a little confusing.  I know it was VO dialogue at the beginning, but what did the scene illustrate?

Thanks guys for reading this I really appreciate it. I'm glad you guys have questions, it really means a lot to me, but I don't really want to answer all of them because I don't want my interpretation to be the only one.

The scene's with the warden definitely need work, but could you elaborate more on what you think I should change, and about the severance package thing?

It was originally written to be only 5 pages long so that's why it might seem a bit out of left field, but there is a point and it was not with the pure intention of being morbid. But I can definitely see why that came across, the ending does need work.

The beginning was intended to be a voice over, sorry about that guys.

Thanks for reading steven, but did you think the message was confusing or the plot?

Much obliged for the read everyone!

Kevin,

The problems I have with the warden, are a few things. In the first meeting, he abruptly says "let's reschedule"... is he getting the gears moving to get Robert laid off? Is that what he's thinking at that point? And why did he call him into his office to begin with? He said "let's get down to business" then Robert said something as if that's why he was there. To voice his concerns.

And especially the last meeting, there's really no emotion. I'm not sure if the warden has it out for Robert. He seems to, after being talked to like he did their first meeting. If he does, he acts way too nicely. If he hated Robert, got him (essentially) fired, I was assume he'd get great pleasure in saying how he's being let go. But instead, he just plops down some papers.

I've had friends who were laid off, and that's not how it goes. I'm not sure if anyone else got that impression, maybe I know the details and am bothered by something that I could easily push off with suspension of disbelief, but it bothered me a bit. If he wanted him fired, he should fire him. If he's sincerely sorry he's letting him go, he should say so. If he doesn't care, I'd like to see that by him not getting so offended during their first meeting and by him not apologizing for it.

The ending is still confusing to me, why kill Robert especially when he's worried about his little girl and just got paroled. There's definitely NO motive. Maybe robbery, but I'm not sure he'd KILL him. Can't risk anything.

Keep at it and I'm eager to check out a second draft.

-kjb.

For the ending, it was meant to be more of an accident. Fred intended to rob Robert and pointed the gun at him to scare him. Then when Robert lifts his glass towards him and the phone rings at the same time, Fred jumps causing the gun to go off. It sounds a little convoluted and I am still trying to think of different ways to end it.

The thing about the prison system is that don't give you any money or help after you get out, so many people find themselves stuck in the same city they get released in.

It's meant to lean more to the artistic side of film, but I'm very inexperienced so I don't think that came across. Thanks a lot for the advice on the warden stuff, It really helps and is greatly appreciated.

I think if it was an accident, Fred would've at least felt bad for what he did - when I read it, he seemed cold and just went ahead and robbed him (maybe I just missed it). I needed a reaction.

I could DEFINTELY see it was intended as artistic. I think the issue is that it needed to be explained. A re-write emphasizing what would make it artsy (piano slowlly playing, harsh shadows, quick cuts) would clear that up. The reflection in the window at the end was a nice touch. There were just some things I got hung up, is all.

-kjb.