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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Series  /  Picking Up (was The Plan)
Posted by: Don, March 15th, 2009, 5:51pm
Picking Up: Episode 1 by Tom Pascal (tommyp) - Series - John builds up the courage to talk to a girl through Barry's guidance, as Barry has a date planned with a sexually promiscuous girl. 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

Picking Up: Episode 2 by Tom Pascal (tommyp) - Series - Barry's date doesn't go as planned. John practices some pickup lines, but feels he is making no progress.   6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Picking Up: Episode 3 by Tom Pascal (tommyp) - Series - John and Barry go to a party, which doesn't turn out quite as expected. Barry starts to get more attached to Sarah, and John meets a certain type of girl for the first time... a drunk girl. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: Tommyp, March 15th, 2009, 6:11pm; Reply: 1
Thanks for upping these Don.

The first one is a bit longer than 7 pages.... oh well.

This 6 part webseries is being filmed by the same guys that made "The Plan" (short film), which is on youtube at the moment. Because it's being filmed, I felt I could chuck in a few camera directions here and there, so that's why they are in there.

I understand the humour won't be to everyone's taste, but I hope at least some people enjoy it.
Posted by: stevie, March 15th, 2009, 9:25pm; Reply: 2
Hey Tom!  I don't usually read shorts but checked these out. Great stuff!  Very well written with good dialogue - very funny at times. I will be interested to follow the further adventures of Barry and John.
A couple of things: I assume this is set in Australia( Maccas, KFC, rooting) yet you make a joke about Manchester scum?  And there's a couple of typos but i'm sure you'll pick them up. Cheers buddy!

PS it's funny how 'rooting'doesn't get beeped! Rooting hilarious actually!  like the fact we spell 'ass' as 'arse' and it don't get gonged either. damn, our slang is cool!
Posted by: Tommyp, March 16th, 2009, 6:19pm; Reply: 3
Hey man, thanks for the read.

The guys that are making the series are from London, so that's why I mentioned Manchester. Some of my dialogue might have to be changed to suit England...

And yes, our slang is very cool :)

Glad you liked it.
Posted by: dresseme (Guest), March 18th, 2009, 1:04pm; Reply: 4
Ok, being that this is so short, I'd imagine you'd be looking for it to be a web-series, if anything.  However, I don't really feel like there's ever any set-up of the characters, therefore they're kind of generic.

That being said, I did enjoy the shorts.  I thought the dialogue was rather snappy, and at times, funny.  I particularly enjoyed the "nunnery" bit, the part at the end of the first ep. with all the slang terms, and the dream where John is trying to "neg" the girl.

I do think you missed a bit of an opportunity for a comedic scene in the first episode when Barry pushes John into the girl.  All she does is "yell" at him, and we don't even know what she yells.  Seems like you could have done more.

These episodes seem to be an exercise in dialogue, and for that, you passed with flying colors.  Like I said though, you might want to work on characters if this is going to be a running thing.  I guess I'm mainly just curious as to what you're going for with this whole thing.
Posted by: Tommyp, March 20th, 2009, 2:38am; Reply: 5
Hey man, thanks for the review. Yeah, it will be a webseries

I understand your point of setting up the characters. I just wanted to jump straight in to some comedy and action, as they are short episodes. They are generic, I want people to see themselves in the characters and relate to them.

Glad you thought it was funny :)

Point taken about the missed comedy moment, I will have to go back and rewrite that. I think I might have rushed that bit...

Exercise in dialogue? I don't know if that's a compliment or not. But yes, I am very knew to this writing thing, so all the stuff I am writing at the moment are exercises in a way.

It's going to be 6 episodes. I have it all set out how it will end, and how the characters will change and such. And yeah, you are right, I have to make the characters less generic.

Thanks for your review, and glad you liked it.
Posted by: Majorgeneral316, March 21st, 2009, 7:06pm; Reply: 6
Hey.

Found these scripts hilarious man, really entertaining.

Both characters are really funny. I liked episode 1 better though, the scenes in the park had very good dialogue. It was paced perfectly.

I would love to see this on film.

Good Luck.
Posted by: Tommyp, March 25th, 2009, 6:31am; Reply: 7
Hey.

Glad you like it! Thanks... very kind words.

MODS: The title of this is being changed to "Picking Up". If someone could do a quick change on this page, it would be much appreciated. Thanks.
Posted by: .............................., March 26th, 2009, 6:17am; Reply: 8
Tommy, i like this series lots! Both are excellent and stay faithful to each other and the story. Feels like the a series with progression

episode 1, i dont like the Manchester thing, whats a girl from manchester look like? where are they? if its london then no way would you spot it, if its Manchester then why mention it??

episode 2, Was not fond of the forgetting his shoes gag, bit too silly, i reckon going back for his "black book" would be more in character.
Liked the American Pie style gag with the "spag bol" cringeworthy just reading!

All 3 episodes are excellent, cant really pick a fave but prob go 2,1,pilot if pushed!
Posted by: Toby_E, March 26th, 2009, 1:20pm; Reply: 9
Hey Tommy,

I read episode one, and couldn't say I was too impressed man. Which isn't good, as I'm guessing I'm the target audience (17 year old bloke?). To me, it felt like an un-funny version of Inbetweeners. You seen that show? That managed to be 'dirty', funny, but at the same time touching in parts.

There wasn't anything wrong with the script, apart from I didn't feel entertained by it... Oh, you should have introduced Jasmine as a character earlier... You call her "girl", and the suddenly Jasmine.

But yeah, I'm sorry mate, I just didn't find it amusing. I could see where you were aiming for funny moments, but they didn't make me smile... I actually groaned at two of the jokes.

I don't mean to sound like a dick, that wasn't my intention. Hope you don't take offence.



Now, onto episode two.

Okay, the library scene, what the hell? I am rarely left scratching my head... cringing at the same time. I'm a fan of vulgar humour... but something about this scene made me uneasy.

Okay, the erection scene with John's dad... An actual good set up, but really didn't like the Dad's one-liner, or John's reply. You could have got two decent laughs there.

I thought Sarah's reaction was a bit extreme? I mean the dude was a bit late... What guy isn't?

You need a stronger punchline to end it with...


Okay, overall, I didn't enjoy these that much. Usually, with comedy scripts, I chuckle in a few places, smile in others, and cringe in a few. In yours, I only did the latter... Also, some scripts aren't that funny, but the delivery makes the jokes work. I just didn't see enough moments of humour. I don't think it helps that I really disliked the two main characters... In Superbad, the main characters were smutty, but they also had redeeming features. They were amusing, and they were caring, and they were actually pretty good guys... Your two main characters are horny charcters who want to manipulate women, to have sex with them, then tell their friends about it...

May I ask, what comedy films/ programmes influenced you to write this?

Oh, and I hope you don't take what I said as offensive... Really didn't mean it to be. I was just stating my opinion.

Take it easy man, Toby :)
Posted by: Toby_E, March 26th, 2009, 1:22pm; Reply: 10
Oh, and I'm from London... You really can't tell a Manchester person from their looks, and there are no stereotypes of them being 'easy'.

I'd change the dialogue to say something like, "She looks like an Essex girl". Essex girls are stereotypically 'sluttish', in both appearance and behaviour.
Posted by: Tommyp, March 26th, 2009, 5:26pm; Reply: 11

Quoted Text
Hey Tommy,

I read episode one, and couldn't say I was too impressed man. Which isn't good, as I'm guessing I'm the target audience (17 year old bloke?). To me, it felt like an un-funny version of Inbetweeners. You seen that show? That managed to be 'dirty', funny, but at the same time touching in parts.

There wasn't anything wrong with the script, apart from I didn't feel entertained by it... Oh, you should have introduced Jasmine as a character earlier... You call her "girl", and the suddenly Jasmine.

But yeah, I'm sorry mate, I just didn't find it amusing. I could see where you were aiming for funny moments, but they didn't make me smile... I actually groaned at two of the jokes.

I don't mean to sound like a dick, that wasn't my intention. Hope you don't take offence.


Hey there.

I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it. What people think is funny is subjective, so I was expecting people to dislike this one.

Yeah, you are the target audience.

I liked In-betweeners. Wasn't awesome, but pretty damn good.

Point taken about Jasmine. Thanks.

What jokes did you groan at? Be as harsh as you want, I need all the help I can get in improving my writing skills.


Quoted Text
Now, onto episode two.

Okay, the library scene, what the hell? I am rarely left scratching my head... cringing at the same time. I'm a fan of vulgar humour... but something about this scene made me uneasy.

Okay, the erection scene with John's dad... An actual good set up, but really didn't like the Dad's one-liner, or John's reply. You could have got two decent laughs there.

I thought Sarah's reaction was a bit extreme? I mean the dude was a bit late... What guy isn't?

You need a stronger punchline to end it with...


What was wrong with the library scene? Is it that you didn't understand it? Or you understood it, but thought it was too crude?

Comedy characters are supposed to be a bit over the top, so that's what I was going for here. Also, straight away the audience knows that Sarah is a bitch. Because yes, most people wouldn't get that annoyed when someone is late. But point taken, thanks. (I'm not trying to argue with you, I'm just trying to justify with what I've written.)


Quoted Text
Okay, overall, I didn't enjoy these that much. Usually, with comedy scripts, I chuckle in a few places, smile in others, and cringe in a few. In yours, I only did the latter... Also, some scripts aren't that funny, but the delivery makes the jokes work. I just didn't see enough moments of humour. I don't think it helps that I really disliked the two main characters... In Superbad, the main characters were smutty, but they also had redeeming features. They were amusing, and they were caring, and they were actually pretty good guys... Your two main characters are horny charcters who want to manipulate women, to have sex with them, then tell their friends about it...


So therefore my characters have to be like the ones in Superbad?!


Quoted Text
May I ask, what comedy films/ programmes influenced you to write this?

Oh, and I hope you don't take what I said as offensive... Really didn't mean it to be. I was just stating my opinion.


Of course I wont take offense, I love feedback :)

I don't really know what films influenced this... I'll have to get back to you on that...


Quoted Text
Oh, and I'm from London... You really can't tell a Manchester person from their looks, and there are no stereotypes of them being 'easy'.

I'd change the dialogue to say something like, "She looks like an Essex girl". Essex girls are stereotypically 'sluttish', in both appearance and behaviour.


Fantastic, thanks. I'll make the change.


Quoted Text
Take it easy man


You too bro. Thanks for the read and the help. Pity you didn't like it, but what can you do hey?!
Posted by: Tommyp, March 26th, 2009, 5:30pm; Reply: 12
By the way, here are the titles for the series (I didn't make them):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_kkF5pYYx90&feature=channel_page
Posted by: Toby_E, March 27th, 2009, 3:45am; Reply: 13

Quoted from Tommyp
So therefore my characters have to be like the ones in Superbad?!


Nah, I was just giving an example of how a film was able to turn these type of characters into likeable characters, if that makes sense?


Quoted from Tommyp
What was wrong with the library scene? Is it that you didn't understand it? Or you understood it, but thought it was too crude?


I understood it, it just felt out of place... Like it was a bit too harsh, if that makes sense? I have no problem with stuff being crude, or whatever, but it went over the top. I'd tone it down a bit, make it a bit shorter...

You had moments which could have been funny... But you didn't really deliver. Like the spaghetti scene - You could have had two moments are great dialogue, from the Dad, then from the kid's response.

Toby.
Posted by: Trojan, April 14th, 2009, 11:51am; Reply: 14
Hey Tom, I think you did a pretty good job with these. I have to admit that I do know a bit about the PU scene, and I found the characters to be very believable. I like how you have John making excuses at the start of the first script for not approaching, as it is something every guy goes through at some point.

I thought you were setting him up to be the awkward/shy type of guy around women, but then after his interaction with Jasmine I wasn't so sure. The bit where he mentions he likes poetry and then changes his mind when she says she doesn't like it is good. But then he goes into asking her out and suggesting a candlelit dinner and giving her a wink. IMO I don't think many newbies feel comfortable asking girls out straight away and they usually stammer around a bit and try awkwardly to create some rapport. So to me it seemed like he went from shy guy to sort of sleazy guy in an instant, and that left me unsure about how he generally behaves around girls. I think you could have had him asking her more AFC type questions and just looking very uncomfortable trying to talk to her.

As for episode 2, I like the visual of John in his room trying out cheesy pick-up lines. I think that scene works well.

Where Barry's date with Sarah is concerned, I'm not too sure about this. From episode 1 I thought you were setting up Barry as the player type, the guy who is good with women and is helping out John. But from the way he is interacting with Sarah it makes me think he's actually not that much of a ladies man. When she gets upset he is very quick to apologise and he tells her how much he likes her etc. IMO I think it sets him up as being kind of weak, where instead I would have him playing it pretty cocky and changing her mood from upset to happy. So when she says "I never want to see you again", he might say something like "Wow you're a pretty good actress. And if I wasn't so irresistible I might even believe you" while giving her a cheeky grin.

But that's just my take on the character and that might not be the direction you want to take him in. On the same topic though, the part where he tells John that he and Sarah are going out now, it made me wonder why he would want to date a girl who has a reputation as being slutty. Like I can understand him being a player and wanting to sleep with her, but actually dating her would strike me as being out of character for that type of guy.

And if she really is the slutty type, one thing I think you could do is when they are having the ice-cream is show her eating it very suggestively. So there is no doubt in the readers/viewers mind about what she has in store for Barry. Perhaps she could be eating a banana split and she happens to deepthroat the banana while making strong eye contact with Barry. Maybe that is a bit cliche but I am just trying to think of visual ways to emphasise her character.

Anyway mate overall I think you have done a really good job here, I look forward to reading the rest of the series.

Cheers,
Tim.
Posted by: Tommyp, April 14th, 2009, 7:07pm; Reply: 15
Timothy, thanks for the review! Very helpful. Some of the stuff you brought up I just ignored and hoped no one would realise. It's like you just mentioned my cat... who died 2 years ago and I start crying! MEAN mate! :)


Quoted Text
So to me it seemed like he went from shy guy to sort of sleazy guy in an instant, and that left me unsure about how he generally behaves around girls. I think you could have had him asking her more AFC type questions and just looking very uncomfortable trying to talk to her.


What I was going for here is that John is so pumped that he is talking to a random girl, that he just went for it. Quite AFC, as he hadn't built up attraction or comfort. He thought that because the girl was even talking to him, it was a green light, and BAM she's in love with him.

Does that justify his lines and what he did? If you don't think so, I will think about changing it...


Quoted Text
Where Barry's date with Sarah is concerned, I'm not too sure about this. ......
So when she says "I never want to see you again", he might say something like "Wow you're a pretty good actress. And if I wasn't so irresistible I might even believe you" while giving her a cheeky grin.


Barry is a KJ, with SOME experience with girls. He knows lots of theory, but can't really pull it all off. At all. Therefore he gets dates with sluts (some see it as a good thing, but I'm going with what I think, and the stereotype, that it's not a good thing) and he gets needy ("Oh, i'm sorry I'm late blah blah"). He doesn't know HOW to sleep with Sarah, so he is happy for a date.
In some aspects it's the blind leading the blind. That justify him doing the stuff he does?

Great idea about the icecream. And I'm glad you like it, man. There will be 6 episodes, and I will be filming it, as well as some guys in England (different age groups, they will be very different haha)

Thanks for the read :)
Posted by: Trojan, April 15th, 2009, 12:48pm; Reply: 16

Quoted from Tommyp
What I was going for here is that John is so pumped that he is talking to a random girl, that he just went for it. Quite AFC, as he hadn't built up attraction or comfort. He thought that because the girl was even talking to him, it was a green light, and BAM she's in love with him.

Does that justify his lines and what he did? If you don't think so, I will think about changing it...


Well I think it would depend on what his reasons were for not approaching right at the beginning. If he is very picky and genuinely not interested in those girls at the start then I think the way he acts here could be justified.

But to me it came across like he had approach anxiety and was making excues not to approach. I've hung out with quite a few guys in the PU scene and the new guys who have massive approach anxiety don't tend to have that base level of confidence needed to ask a girl out on a date. Like often the reason for the approach anxiety is a fear of rejection, so they open indirectly to get around that issue, but to then ask the girl out means there is the real possibility of getting rejected so they are too nervous to even suggest it. I think most new guys just talk for a little bit until it stalls out and don't really try and escalate it. Of course there are always exceptions to the rule, and maybe John is a guy who hesistates at first then goes for it when he gets in there?




Quoted from Tommyp
Barry is a KJ, with SOME experience with girls. He knows lots of theory, but can't really pull it all off. At all. Therefore he gets dates with sluts (some see it as a good thing, but I'm going with what I think, and the stereotype, that it's not a good thing) and he gets needy ("Oh, i'm sorry I'm late blah blah"). He doesn't know HOW to sleep with Sarah, so he is happy for a date.
In some aspects it's the blind leading the blind. That justify him doing the stuff he does?


Ok yep that definitely makes a lot more sense. On the first read from the way he was talking to John I assumed that he was probably pretty experienced and knew what he was talking about. But I think the fact that he is a KJ is a better angle and could lead to some funnier situations than if he actually knew what he was doing.


Quoted from Tommyp
Great idea about the icecream. And I'm glad you like it, man. There will be 6 episodes, and I will be filming it, as well as some guys in England (different age groups, they will be very different haha)

Thanks for the read :)


Sounds like it will be a great series, I'd love to see the shorts when they are complete. I look forward to reading the rest of the series too if you post them.

Cheers,
Tim.

Posted by: Tommyp, June 20th, 2009, 10:40pm; Reply: 17
Okay guys, third episode is up, and it's a bloody ripper! I'm biased though, I wrote the thing! Why not have a read, share your thoughts and see for yourself! (I should go into advertising)

Thanks.
Posted by: stevie, June 21st, 2009, 3:12am; Reply: 18
Hey Tom, goood to see the third instalment up. I read the other two again to get into the feel of things.
I love this series! Very funny lines, good flow and formatting. The antics of the boys are so Aussie, brings back some memories of my younger days...

On the subject of Australia, I think you should lose the Manchester reference from the first one. it jars with the rest of the Aussie slang. Well, to another Aussie it does, anyway.
Good job and keep it up! (the series, that is...)
Ain't it a lovely world where we Aussies can write ROOT in our posts and not get blipped?!! It just gives the thread more bite than having a miserable, starred out old FUCK...
Posted by: Toby_E, June 21st, 2009, 1:48pm; Reply: 19
Where can I watch these Tommy?
Posted by: Tommyp, June 21st, 2009, 7:07pm; Reply: 20
Stevie, thanks for the reads. Really glad you like the series so far. There should be six episodes all up. Yeah I just put in the Manchester reference because the guys that were making it were from the UK. "Root", what a wonderful word...

Toby, thanks for the interest. I've been told that these are in the process of being filmed... and they have been for months. Which is annoying.

I will definately update this thread when it has been made giving links to the videos.
Posted by: jwent6688, June 24th, 2009, 7:52pm; Reply: 21
Read the latest episode first not knowing any better. really liked it. Good quick read, witty dialogue. Two things I saw in here. The first was actually more of a question. If Cameron speaks before he's introduced in Caps shouldn't it be (o.s.)? Also on pg 3 it reads they're following simon instead of Cameron. Going back to read other episodes, but thought I'd hit you with that before i forget. NIce work,   James
Posted by: Tommyp, June 25th, 2009, 7:34am; Reply: 22
Hello James, thanks for reading the script, and I'm glad you like it.

Because Cameron was introduced in the next line, it's okay for me to have him speak first, and it won't be OS, because we will see him say the line. It would be bad to introduce him heaps later, but it is only one short line, so the rule is that it's fine.

Oh nicely picked up (pardon the pun) ... the following Cameron thing.

Tell me what you think of the other episodes when you get around to reading them.

Cheers, and thanks.
Posted by: Trojan, July 6th, 2009, 11:55am; Reply: 23
Ok finally got around to reading episode three, here are my thoughts:

-On the first page in some of the dialogue you have used numbers when I think it is preferred to actually write the number out in words. (18 and 8 o'clock)
-I see that you are using the shots of diet coke to portray Simon's nerdiness, but I thought it was too unrealistic. If Simon offered the guys a drink and then pulled out the diet coke it would have the same effect but would be more realistic without them doing shots of it.
-I'm not sure what 'Gathering' is. I think perhaps it is just a reference that was lost on me.
-First page 'A girls a girl' is missing an apostrophe for girl's.
-Cameron's transformation from uber-nerd to cool guy. Why would a cool guy dress up and act like a nerd just to get free shots of diet coke? Especially when he already has his own alcohol and knows of a much better party that is happening. And from the way Barry speaks to him it is clear they know each other, so has Cam been acting like a nerd all that time? It's a bit over the top.
-When John, Barry and Cam leave the party I think the scene at Simon's house goes on a little too long. They are only minor characters and focusing on them does not advance the main story. I think Simon's line of 'let's get high on artificial sweeteners and flavourings' is funny and is the perfect place to cut the scene and get back to the main characters. That's only my opinion though, nothing really wrong with the way you have done it.
-On page three you have 'a cigarette is casually held between the lips of Simon as he struts down the street'. It would read better as 'Simon casually holds a cigarette between his lips as he struts down the street'. Oh and it should be Cameron, not Simon.
-John making the assumption that Cam is talking about monopoly. I can't really see how he made that connection from what Cam said, and it makes John seem exceedingly dumb. I know he is not supposed to be bright, but how dumb exactly to you want to portray him?
-I think you did a good job in setting the scene of the other party nicely. Joe saying he could kill for a beer though seemed strange to me as it is his party and he knows where all the drinks are, and presumably has been drinking already. If he was that thirsty he would have a beer already. And John's reaction again makes him seem really dumb, like he is scared that someone will hurt him. He doesn't understand it's a figure of speech and seems like a giant pussy, scared of everything.
You have 'fella's' in Barry's dialogue, but you don't need the apostrophe. It is the same later on when you have Barry talking again and have guy's instead of guys.
-I think you missed an opportunity to make better use of the drunk girl. You could have had John walk up to her and try and chat her up and then she vomits, perhaps on him or whatever. From the logline I got the impression he would be talking to a drunk girl but he never interacts with her, and there is comedy potential here.
-Is the girl Barry nearly kisses quite drunk? I couldn't help thinking most girls would be turned off by his attempts at bragging about having a big cock and the girl would actually think he is a loser. If she's really drunk or ugly or whatever it might be a different matter though.
Page 6. 'Sarah is sitting' could be 'Sarah sits'.
John asking no one in particular if they have seen him in that movie, I am beginning to think that he is kind of retarded because he is so dumb. If that's what you are going for then it works well. But I didn't get that impression about him from the first two episodes though. I also wondered about Barry telling him about being in the mindset and knowing he was supposed to be Russel Crowe and not Tom Cruise when it was Cam who had the discussion with John. How did Barry know what they talked about?
-When they leave and are in the living room, on first read I thought they were in the living room at the party. But I am assuming they actually left the party and are at one of their houses. It might be worth putting in the slug which house they are in and not just the room.
-Barry saying it's not Australian for girls to cheat. But I thought it was set in England. In the first episode you refer to a girl as Manchester scum so I am guessing it was just an oversight to have Australian in there.
-John describing drunks girls as 'yucky' seemed a little bit gay to me, like he is disgusted by girls or something. I might have said 'gross' or something like that, I think yucky is more a word that a little kid would use. Just my opinion though, nothing wrong with it.
-Last page, you have 'Barry gets up, goes to the fridge, and brings out a beer'. Could be simplified to just 'Barry goes to the fridge and grabs a beer'.
-I like the visual of the last line, showing how Barry is upset about what happened. Works well.

Overall I think the story is fine and the writing is good, you could just a trim a little fat off it and make it sharper. I do think it would benefit from having John talk to a girl though as I think it's important to keep up the tone you introduced in the first episode, and how John is trying to learn some game. Showing him talking with girls and trying stuff out would play out better on screen than simply having him get theory and advice from other guys. That stuff is good, but having him put it into practice and being able to see his learning curve and him getting more comfortable and proficient at chatting up girls will give the sense that the story is moving forward, that he is on a journey and being active and not passive. It will also link the episodes together quite strongly IMO.

Hope this is of some help mate.

Cheers,
Tim.
Posted by: Sandra Elstree., July 6th, 2009, 12:22pm; Reply: 24
Hello Tommy,

I just finished reading episode one and I found it very entertaining and funny. It's fun to hear of all Barry's advice with "the moves" to put on the girls.  ;D

For this first episode, the only thing I would work on adding is a little more identity to the characters of Barry and John. Something that will stand out for us during the read.

Once it's filmed, it's easy because the actors take over and do their thing, but as usual, when it's still on paper, we're trying to "see" them; so defining them a bit on paper will bring them to life for us.

I really thought this was well done. The title is perfect. Love the present participle here.  ;D

Sandra
Posted by: Tommyp, July 6th, 2009, 10:40pm; Reply: 25
Hey Tim, thanks for the read.

Good idea about Simon offering drinks, instead of going with the shots.

Magic, The Gathering is a nerdy card game. Some of my friends played in years ago. I tried to pick a game most people knew, but I didn't want to say the full name, as the guys in the script would use nicknames for the game.

Hmm, yeah I suppose it was over the top with Cameron's transformation... I might change it. But I kinda think it works... I might tweak it to sound more believable.

Yeah good point. I will cut after Simon says the artificial sweatener line.

I think the monolopy line was a bit over the top, but it was funny. I don't want John to be that dumb, no.

John is awkward socially, so I think it makes sense that he is a bit of a pussy. But good point about Joe, he would probably have a beer on him.

I will make it clearer that the girl Barry was talking to is really drunk.

With the whole Tom Cruise thing, I wanted it to come across as if it was a well kwown thing. So Barry would have been told it in the past, so he would have known what John was trying to do.

John is only socially retarded. I guess I am going a bit far with him, making him such an idiot, just for comedic effect. Hmm, I have changing to do to the script.

You have helped me so much man, thanks. I do need to show John talking to more girls, you're right. I will edit it all soon.

:)

Sandra, thanks for the read. Glad you like it!

Yeah, I should make them a bit more distinguishable. Maybe one of them wears the same type of clothing often? I dunno, I will figure something out.

Thanks again.
Posted by: _ghostwriter, November 27th, 2009, 10:42pm; Reply: 26
TommyP

I read one of your other pieces several months back.  Comedy isn't my forte but it seems to be yours.  It's hit and miss but you seem to have a good grasp on it.

Page#3, "where the beer flows like wine and the women are cheap."  This was hilarious.
Page# and #5, The conversation between John and Cameron about the hot blonde then she throws up was hilarious.

I'll have to check out the web series.  Heck have you thought about expanding this into something more?

I found you three episodes to be funny for the most part but then again I got a sick sense of humor anyway.  Your writing was good but I wouldn't expect anything less from a pro like yourself.

Good stuff, look forward to the next.

Ghostwriter
Posted by: Tommyp, November 28th, 2009, 2:14am; Reply: 27
Hey Ghostwriter, thanks for the reads.

Glad you liked them! I am planning for six, and have done half of number four. I neglected to write this for a while, and I think I should finish it off soon.

Expand it into something more, you say? Maybe, yeah. See how this all finishes up.

Again, thanks, and glad you liked it.
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