Gloaming by Don Moore - Sci FI - During an apocalyptic monster attack, a man takes drastic measures to get his beloved, injured ex-girlfriend to safety.  A phsycedelic creature movie. 99 pages - pdf, format 8)


Gloaming by Don Moore - Sci FI - During an apocalyptic monster attack, a man takes drastic measures to get his beloved, injured ex-girlfriend to safety.  A phsycedelic creature movie. 99 pages - fdr, format 8)

Comments on Gloaming

Hey Don.  I read the first 15 pages of your script and put it down, mostly because it was too intimidating for me. It has too much description, passive writing, and overwriting. A few examples are below. I liked your idea of the monster. I realize this is a prose intensive script and a “psychedelic Sci-Fi” script but it didn’t work for me.

Gary

Words I don’t use every day: Gloaming, crepuscular, minatory, viscera, undulations, sniggers.

A lot of passive writing: “is” “are” “it seems” “it is very dark” in the descriptive/action text

Large blocks of descriptive/action text are intimidating. I read somewhere that action and dialogue are about roughly 50/50 in a script. And blocks over 5 lines or so are not recommended.

Why does the MALE DIVER suddenly become JIM?

By not naming the female diver, we know she’s monster bait

Good monster intro page 5. You just know those cute fish weren’t going to stay cute when the sun goes down. I also liked the implied memory of the small creatures into the big creatures.

TITLE SEQUENCE heading is not needed. The film producers will decide that. But yes, it would likely go here.

Some action lines are overwritten, such as this one describing a love scene: “With every caress, their molecules break down a little more until they are completely penetrating each other. Their particles cling together when they pull away.” I realize this is through Caitlin’s Mind’s Eye in a psychedelic script but it doesn’t work well – at least for me.

First thing: I personally wouldn't put my home address on the title page yet. If I was to use an address, then I would get a PO Box from the Post Office. But that's just me. I wouldn't feel comfortable otherwise.

Alright, like grademan, I couldn't finish the script and I also echo many of his sentiments. You have some cool ideas here, but the description is just too much. Break up your blocks into smaller, more focused paragraphs, no longer than 4 or 5 lines and preferably 2 or 3 lines. Also, comb through the screenplay and replace your verbs with more immediate tenses. For instance, instead of "He is swimming..." use "He swims..." This will cut down on the number of words in your description and make the action feel more intense or more urgent to the reader.

Try to find more economical ways to describe something instead of detailing everything you see. Details are only for important things. For everything else, use as few words as possible. So, for instance, on PAGE 1 you have this:

Code The attractive female diver is wearing a wet suit while flipping through a book by the light of a dim desk lamp. Her body is fit, skin near flawless. She has a stack of books on the desk next to her, closes the one she is looking at and opens another to the bookmark, scanning a page with her index finger. She has a single book by itself to the other side of the stack. The discarded literature sits on a side table in a mess. There is a covered cage on a table in the corner, and all the curtains are shut so no light remains in the cabin.

Alright, ignoring the fact that I had to type this by hand because your PDF file is screwy (and HUGE -- almost 5MB!), that block of text is just too much. Here's how I would have wrote it:

Code A table lamp dimly illuminates the dark cabin. The curtains are drawn and allow only slivers of sunlight to pass. The female diver -- still in her wetsuit -- hovers over the table, thumbing through a thick reference book; her fit body silhouettes against the lambent light. Behind her on a table in the corner sits a large cage covered in a table cloth. It shakes and bumps -- something ALIVE -- but she pays no mind, because she's on a mission.

Two fewer lines, and I put into practice the things grademan and I just talked about. I am sure others would have more insight. Hell, others may disagree with me. I look forward to others' thoughts on this.