Everything You Believe by Cupid Delorian (mudweiser) - Short - A popular mis-conception is put to rest. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

I don’t know what font that is but it doesn’t look like courier to me.

Instead of billing the characters as voices and then giving names, bill them as their names right from the start.

Two clocks begin to stop? How does something begin to stop?

The skeptical wryly is unnecessary.

Is sat at a small table - why not just sits

You’re pushing it with the verb tenses, things like “is lying” instead of “lies” or “a secretary sat” instead of “sits.” Try and keep it more presently active.

Begin to leave? Again, how do you begin to leave? Do they gather up tools or equipment, close charts, etc., or do they just leave?

Re the story:

I don’t get it. It made no sense, which leaves only the journey to be entertaining. The only thing it really had to keep interest alive was “life’s big secret.” Every time I see a script about some big secret to life, I immediately think the author bit off way more than he could chew and I’m usually absolutely right. I think this case is no exception.

The idea that death doesn’t really exist is a concept that’s been around at least as long as religion has existed. Nearly every religion in history holds the presumption that its adherents will somehow override death. So there’s absolutely nothing new there.

You do get points for sparking the idea of something new and different occurring upon death but then you didn’t really deliver regarding that in the end. Unless I just totally missed something, the end makes no sense whatsoever.

Overall it seemed like its aspirations were far greater than what it could deliver. It got swallowed by, or crushed under the weight of, its own ambition.


Breanne

Hello Cupid,

Interesting short.  There's an idea in there but I feel it's your writing that lets you down.

I just think a few tweaks here & there and this story could start to make some sense.

Download Celtx.  It'll keep your font in Courier pt 12 and align the margins better.

Name your characters from the very beginning as this is a mystery to the reader as well as the viewer.

As voices are heard through darkness, write SAUL (OS).

Fade in is FADE IN: and then FADE OUT.

Your first slug was absolutely confusing.  INT. SAUL'S BEDROOM - EVENING followed by the next line that said Night.  Change evening to night, as I believe that Saul's asleep, and all that can be seen is the clock stuck on 11.32pm.

The voice-overs are not necessary, get rid of them.

You do need to tweak the dialogue, but the one line that scratched my head was by the Grim Reaper Find out for yourself.  This basically says, kill yourself and you won't actually die and you'll understand what I'm talking about.

Why doesn't Saul live a full life and pass away naturally?

I'm not 100% sure so please let me know.  Did the Grim Reaper trick Saul into seeing if she was right just so that Saul would die and the Reaper would have another dead person on her watch?

Overall, with a few tweaks here & there could make for an interesting short.

P.S. Read and review a few other shorts on these boards and you'll be surprised how much you'll pick up.

All the best,


Javier

First of all thanks for the prompt feedback. It's always great to read other people's opinions.

Breanne, I couldn't agree more, reading it back I really haven't articulated my idea as well as I'd first thought. This is based on a real dream I had where I was told that death isn't death at all - that we are literally 'taken' and put to work elsewhere. Not the afterlife, not another dimension but simply put somewhere where no-one else will see us again.

In my dream I was simply told the information. Upon reflection The Grim Reaper would have a purpose in releasing it; to 'trick' the recipient into 'killing themselves' in their search for the truth. I guess what I really wanted to do was to position the audience into questioning what was really true, the tricked suicide or the elaborate lie.

I also see this as more than just a script and really tried to prompt some strong visuals in terms of environment and tone.

But I'll hold my hands up totally as an inexperienced writer and will definately and unashamedly admit to biting off more than I can chew. It's extremely elaborate, ambitious and borderline pretentious to not only attempt to write but to post as my first on here. But I'm never really one to start with the melodramas.

But again, many thanks for the feedback, the more constructive the better. And I certainly invite more.

By the way, I wrote this in Final Draft... is Celtix the way to go?

Nope, stick with Final Draft, the standard. I haven't tried Celtix though, but I believe it is fine as well.

Hmmm, I don't get it...at all.

Like others said, your font is way off, as are your verb tenses, which make your sentences read poorly.

The beginning is very odd, and I don't understand what it is you're going for with all these "voices" over a dark screen.  Don't get the ending either.  You could easily clean this up, but that's not going to help it make sense, or get across whatever it is you're aiming for.

Interested in hearing what it is exactly that's supposed to be going on here.

Final Draft is fine, but you need to change your font and settings to "normal", as everything is way off.

Best of luck to you!  Keep at it.