This Skin Has Limits - A Self Portrait by Tyler Washburn - Short, Drama - A struggling actor/screenwriter becomes consumed by his low self esteem. Even his fantasies are fleeting and conspicuous. Feeling as though life has marched on without him, he prepares to throw in the towel when he is interupted. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

What are paper sides? Cryptic writing is the in thing, but maybe back off a bit. Tyler pennies scratch tickets. That reads a bit hard. Use  few commas here and there. Sometimes that helps.

Everyone tells me he is ugly, yet I had no idea from when i met him. I think if you told me he's ugly at his first description, I could follow better.

Check your apostrophes.

Apart from being tidier writing wise, I liked it. For me the writing and images are good. This guy finds a woman who thinks he's not so ugly, in the face of his world that thinks he is, that she would actually leave her toothbrush there, meaning, I'll be back.

Hi Tyler, gotta be blunt here. Your script needs a major overhaul. First off there are spelling, punctuation and formatting errors galore and your dialogue really needs attention before I can really even talk about plot.
I read it cause it had 15 views, and no reviews, and I thought I'd give it a look.

Firstly some comments on description of scenes.

Your opening description - try instead of listing item by item in the bathroom to be spare.  Clearly we are looking at the bathroom of a single white male in his 40's - the one toothbrush in the jar will tell us that and the main character is staring at himself in the bathroom mirror.


"The commuter shrinks down the street" - do you mean the character watches as the bus disappears out of sight/from view?

"An answering machine delivers" - how'd it do that?? I believe the button would have to be pressed by the character for "playback" ??

Likewise: "A prescription bottle & a glass of water stare at Tyler from the coffee-table" - I'm assuming you want the ANGLE on these things? You can describe it from Tyler's POV or alternatively just say, Tyler sits in a chair. On the coffee table is a full bottle of pills and a glass of water.

Instead of "Tyler opens a note-pad jittery and glazed" - try to show us. Tyler opens the notepad - writes the word, "Sorry ... for example. Actions are louder than words!

His eyes stuck to the floor - are they literally glued to the floor - or do you mean "his eyes are downcast"?

"Tyler makes eye contact suspicious" - I assume you mean "Tyler makes eye-contact" and through some "action" indicates he is suspicious of her.

Dialogue:
The dialogue in general needs a re-vamp. Listen to the way people speak.

For example the CASTING AGENT - I'm sorry but even in the cut-throat world of casting - instead of "... get out, you're ugly..." perhaps,

"hon', you've got a face for radio and the part has already been cast, better luck next time".

Speaking of which, you mention "better luck next time" in the script so often I really feel this should have been it's title.

Anyway, Tyler I've mentioned a few things here and they may seem harsh - and I hesitate to post this actually bearing in mind your title is "self portrait" and is clearly autobiographical but then I notice it ends on an upbeat note, so it can't be all that bad, right? Bear in mind I am trying to offer constructive criticism and I hope you will receive it in the spirit in which it is intended. Go for a second draft and I'll give it another read. All the best, LC.

There's a definite tone of melancholy here, which I would guess is partly down to the piece's autobiographical nature. That I liked. I particularly liked the line "just...let me be crazy for a while."

There's a fine line between sparse, lean writing and just being plain confusing, and at times it was difficult to follow exactly what was going on. Fragment-sentences - sentences lacking a verb - are fine when used in moderation and for effect, but you tend to overdo it here.

Watch your apostrophes, particularly on 'eyes', and there are few spelling miatakes scattered throughout - 'receiting', when you mean 'receding', in the first action paragraph, for instance.

Your final paragraph needs to be rewritten, I think. I get what you're going for, but at the moment it's all a bit jumbled together. It's also too long at 6 lines - 4 max. Just put some verbs back in, split the paragraph up a bit and you'll have a better ending.

As far as the title goes, I think I agree with Libby that Better Luck Next Time seems more fitting. This Skin Has Limits seems wrong, somehow. But that's something entirely up to you.

I won't add to the grammatical deficiencies that have been noted above, I think they've been made clear to the author but instead I'll comment on the plot/story - I loved it.

Tyler, have you seen/read Synechdoche, New York by Charlie Kauffman? I definately got a sense of the same tone, the text was dripping with depression and self-loathing, as if the protagonist was banging on a brick wall. There was some really good imagery in there, especially with the single toothbrush stealing his focus. That was a nice touch.

As a script it needs work but I definately felt the cinematic values here.

Tyler

The guys commenting above weren't lying when the gave special mention to the errors in formatting, grammar, spelling etc. There are a LOT here, brother.

So I won't go into that, its all been said. Just go over the script yourself carefully and they'll become glaringly obviously.

Storywise, I found this to be a very interesting read, definitely the kind of tale that interests me. I loved the quiet, understated nature of it even when disconcerting "home truths" are being expressed & agree with deloriane referencing Kaufmann although I haven't seen Synecdoche, New York this sorta' reminded me of Nic Cage in Adaptation...without the absurd comedy.

It was a very dark piece bar the last page where things looked up for Tyler. Its a credit to your writing that we actually care about him (or at least I did) given the progression (or depression) of his existence throughout the first 8 pages.

You make us feel for your character, I actually felt a sense of well being at the end when he converses with the seemingly friendly neighbour, thus opening the possibility for a way out of his self loathing quagmire.

The liked the device you used to exhibit what he really thought of himself when listening to the answering machine, TV or the casting agent. It was nicely done, giving us a window into his tortured mindset.

I can see how some might be put off by its overtly melancholy tone but I found it a refreshing slice of harsh realism. I by no means consider myself a screenwriter or anything resembling one but I can go some way to imagine the insecurities and doubts that surface in the struggles of one who has put everything into his/her craft and simply isn't getting the recognition or opportunities he/she thought it would receive.

I could see this making a very powerful little short, easy and cheap to film too, it would translate well to screen. Despite the tech errors I like your writing, the dialogues and brief monologues were very well written, they packed an emotional punch without sounding like someone just complaining to the camera, a happy medium which is very difficult to pull off effectively but I think you managed it...the majority of the time anyway.

Good job, mate. A rewrite/clean up will go a long way to perfecting this. If it ever makes the screen I'd love to see it.

Best of luck with it.

Col.

Wow a lot of reviews in short period of time and all picking up on the same poor writing lol. Thanks guys, I know the writings bad. I posted this prematurely but I've already rewritten it six times since I posted this draft.

I think I've caught most of the grammar mistakes. Also the title was changed a week ago to "SIMULACRUM." Look it up.

"Sides," for anyone unclear, are what you call a few pages of script. A scene essentially. It's acting slang I suppose.

I really appreciate any and all critic as I am going to be filming and acting in this within the next month or so for a local film festival. Thanks a lot for reading.

As for it being a self portrait, well it is, but it's exagerated too. I'm not that depressed, lol.
Cheers,
Tyler,

So what it's about is a person's deep-seated fear that they are insubstantial, and they are afraid that everyone else sees it too?  It's like a nightmare come true?

I liked the script.  It really works for me as the description I just gave.  Nice work.

Exactly, it's not that everyone thinks he's ugly. He thinks he's ugly so he creates things in his mind that didn't really happen.

i really liked this short. so far i think its one of the bests ive read on here. id love to see the final product.