The Inside Out by Andrew Lightfoot - Short - Police hunt down one of the worst criminals in their town. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Andrew, ok, well I can see what you were going for here with the whole corrupt "inside out" idea, but mostly I came away from it thinking you didn't really develop the satirical side of it  and the potential for humour quite enough.

SPOILERS
There were a couple of moments, in the beginning with the cops driving recklessly/drinking/plates blacked out when I almost laughed. Your set up to me just wasn't quite there.

Spelling - manoeuvre not maneuver.

Your descriptions are a fine, but they tend to paint the picture in too understated a way, or at times not enough. Example, "The convoy cuts through a red light halting oncoming traffic. They turn down a street."
I would describe the other cars (obviously on a collision course) screeching to a stop/landing sideways/mounting curbs etc.

On the other hand, when Moorey comes out of the house, hands in the air the following line "very panicky" is superfluous - I got the image here perfectly without that line of description.

In the court scene - obviously being tried for his crimes in helping humanity - I would delete the "hitchhiking" clause - I think this one is actually against the law, at least it is in 'Oz. Add something else - maybe delivering "meals on wheels" etc. also assisting the "old" imo would read better as "elderly" - "severe 'reports'" I would change to "charges", mo again, seeing he's in court.
"Horrid crimes he has bestowed on our town" reads a little clunky, and condemning him to death, well it's once again almost funny - I dunno, when I read it the second time it came through better I just think overall if you're going to be satirical it needs more humour. E.g. I did like the other prisoners and their "friendly gestures" but here again is a description problem I think you need to describe exactly what they are doing - "high fiving" him, "thumbs up" .

"A group of cops handling a prisoner walk out. He sees Moorey" - This is ambiguous, (nitpickety, yes) but it is the prisoner addressing Moorey in the next line and reads clumsily.

Finally the ending is just too abrupt to me. I thought "what the ... " I get it but, like I said I just think if you're going to go for it make it more over the top. Having said all this I think this as potential to be very funny, just give it all you've got. Cheers. :)

Thanks for all your thoughts LC, I'm currently doing a major rewirte and focusing entierly on the humour and the action.

yes the prisoner was addressing Moorey there.

I guess I can show more of what the jail is like

Andrew,

I kinda liked this piece, but had some of the same problems LC had.

I saw the humor, but wasn't laughing. This is an over-the-top premise. Make it a little more over-the-top. You had good parts for this, like drinking while driving, though I expected it wasn't alcohol. I was confused by the black bars on the license plates. Maybe one of those souvenir plates you can get that have a witty retort like a bumper sticker would.

I felt the ending was kind of abrupt. I would've liked the electric chair or something. His last words - "Have a nice day". The last punchline was missing, IMO. If anything, I'd call the courtroom scene the punchline. Maybe show more time in jail. Have him linger in the yard with other inmates. This could be explored more, really have some funny situations. Either cut it short (after the hearing) or expand a little.

-kjb.

Hello Andrew,

I liked this script despite the way the messaged was delivered.

Aside from the odd mistake, I liked the way you've done a role reversal, pretty much like my GC,BC script.

What software do you use?

Seeing the date, The Inside Out on every page is very annoying.  Plus the slugs don't need to be in bold.

The officers wouldn't use their radio to speak to Moorey but rather a megaphone.

You also have a Deathrow slug.  What is this place and where is it situated?  I gather it's next to the courtroom?

If so, you wouldn't write prison cells but rather just cells.  I almost thought the character Moorey was in prison.  If this is the case, you would use guards and not police officers to guard the deathrow inmates.

Overall, a good story that took a while to get to.  With a rewrite this could turn out to be a much better script.

All the best,



Javier

Andrew

I really loved the opening scene here with the reckless cops barrelling down the street with no regard for anyone, expertly written. Sets up the tone briliantly.

OFFICER HUNER
Moorey you are surrounded, you have two minutes to get your ass out here or we will come in and kill you.

-- Ok, its blatantly obvious that these guys are as corrupt as Denzel's Alonzo but would he really shout that out for everyone to hear? Wouldn't bent pigs be a little more discreet about their ulterior motives? Then again the neighbours came out with guns drawn so I take it, its that kinda' area.

I get it now with the judge naming out his supposed "crimes", a nice twist. I liked the part where the all prisoners give him friendly gestures as he passes, you've really turned things on their head here.

Good ending, I liked this overall. A very interesting concept you've got  but I feel you can take it a step or two further. It feels a little rushed as it stnds. I've just read above that you're in the process of rewriting it, I would definitely encourage it.

You could easliy get a very decent 10 pager going here, maybe develop the comedic/satirical element a bit more.

Loved the idea though, well done. I look forward to the new draft.

Col.

What exactly was the point of this script?  If there was a point, I missed it.  The guy was being arrested for commiting acts of kindness.  Why?  Is this an alternate universe?  

It had no ending.  He looks at the guard and his gun.  How does that end this story?   Why the hell did this guy wind up in jail in the first place?

Formatting and grammatical errors throughout.

You have a fairly interesting premise, with the neighbor getting arrested for being nice.  But, you never explain or justify what happened to him.

Sorry for the very late reply guys, just got back from a trip.

Basically everyone is saying good premise and idea but the actual telling of it is weak, and I agree with it Seems like everytime a write a script I always rush myself and it's clearly not doing me any good.

I'll try and finish me re-write asap.

In the mean time i would love to return the favor, if you have any shorts, I am more than willing to read them.


Andrew,