Preylogy by Mike Forward, Daniel Pannell, Matthew Courtenay - Thriller - A young man fights to save his town and his conscience when zombies take over. 67 pages - pdf, format 8)

Guys, good job on combining the inputs of three writers without looking like it was written by three writers. Your title,” Preylogy,” doesn’t roll of the tongue. Got something else?

Some good things you did: The first attack was within the first 10 pages, interesting time sequencing by coming back to the same starting point but with more knowledge each time, and the antagonist as a “King Zombie” (Kill him and the rest die).

However, these were offset by some stumbles in predictable scenes, the cause of Zombies as a cure gone wrong has been done, and the completely bogus rescue of our hero by the pickup driving barber. I had to stop there on pg 47.

Gary

Here are my formatting and technical comments on Preylogy through pg 47 of course.

No need for supers identifying your film company. The chapter supers may be more helpful if they somehow note they are coming back to the same time.

The bible is capitalized in this use.

When introducing the group of teens, identify them as teens or high school graduates so the reader doesn’t have to figure it out for himself

The flashback to Amanda and Sam in the station wagon should be labeled as a flashback.

Avoid use of “is” your action lines for smoother reading. “…is playing a guitar” can be “…plays guitar”

A SMASH TO is handled the same as CUT TO

“forbidden desire” is a trite description -  Use something else or skip it

Kate should scream Sam’s name in dialogue not in the action lines

“Don’t do what we both know will destroy you” is a bit over the top.

“All the tension is gone, for now” is not needed as a descriptive line.