The Slave by James Masse - Horror - THE SLAVE is a supernatural thriller about a former Marine who discovers that he can dream the future… Or can he? His obsession with finding the truth, and the horror that lies beneath the surface of our everyday lives, leaves him craving answers more terrifying than he could’ve ever imagined. Is something as simple as death really simple at all, or is there more than meets the eye? All the while, a dark figure lurks in the shadows of his unconscious mind, as a dark figure lurks in the shadows of his reality. 137 pages - pdf, format 8)

check me out guys!

If you're trying to sell this script or even get representation -- Take your WGA reg off of the title page.  Also trim about 17 pages off while you're at it. This script would only fly if... A VERY BIG "IF" you had sold 3 or 4 scripts that went on to make profit at the box office.  

No one in Hollywood likes to read... That's why the screenplay was invented. They are not art. They are not viable literature. They are simply blue prints of what will/might/should be filmed.  The more white you see on a page, the better your odds of getting read will be.

That goes for casual readers or producers/agents.

Also, "WE SEE" leave those at the door... With all the mistakes you've made in the first 10 pages you're bound to trim this down to an acceptable 120 page level in no time.

I'll check your script out, tho... "ha"  

Quoted from Baltis. If you're trying to sell this script or even get representation -- Take your WGA reg off of the title page.  Also trim about 17 pages off while you're at it. This script would only fly if... A VERY BIG "IF" you had sold 3 or 4 scripts that went on to make profit at the box office.   No one in Hollywood likes to read... That's why the screenplay was invented. They are not art. They are not viable literature. They are simply blue prints of what will/might/should be filmed.  The more white you see on a page, the better your odds of getting read will be. That goes for casual readers or producers/agents. Also, "WE SEE" leave those at the door... With all the mistakes you've made in the first 10 pages you're bound to trim this down to an acceptable 120 page level in no time. I'll check your script out, tho... "ha"

Wow, give the guy a break and just read the script before commenting.   ::)

Why not get a jump on the problems I'm going to address anyways?  I won't make a new post when I review his script... I'll just add to my old one.  

Last I heard reading someone's script for no other reason but you want to help was still called "HELPING" ... If I don't list the problems, someone else is going to.

I just got done reading this, despite the annoying camera directions. I thought it was a solid, decent Horror script right until around page 70 or so. It went from great, to good, to cheesy, to just plain horrible.

At times, it seemed like you were taking your story seriously and at others it seemed like a parody of itself. The dialogue eventually got so cheesy it was almost unbearable. It is strange, because I thought the script started off really good.

I think the script got truly bad when the Coach died (who popped out of nowhere, BTW -- you should introduce him earlier). After that, it was all really corny and ridiculous. I'm all for some supernatural stuff in my Horror, but the way it was done seemed like a comedy more than a horror film.

The whole "soul dies one death/body another" was an excellent angle that was sadly misused in the script.

On the bright side, the characters were good -- most of them, anyway -- especially by Horror film standards.

I'm torn on how to rate this. On one hand, there is the good first half and on the other is the sloppy second half.

I'd give it a 4/10, probably. It could've been a lot better. Do not get discouraged though -- you are not a bad writer. I simply feel like this story was not given the treatment it should've gotten.

--Julio

4 out of 10 is pretty poor... you guys suck ... they love it over at trigger street and script shark.

dressel ... you don't suck buddy! = )

Quoted from james_m 4 out of 10 is pretty poor... you guys suck

Not sure if this was in jest or you really think it sucks.

You've posted a script here and asked for reads despite not returning the favour, yet when someone takes the time to read your 137 page screenplay you tell them they suck cos they didn't love it! Julio is a regular here so you take his advice on board at least.

You got to take the bad with the good, one persons judgement isn't everyones but don't alienate yourself here otherwise no one will read anything you do.  Just something for you to think about.

Quoted from james_m 4 out of 10 is pretty poor... you guys suck ... they love it over at trigger street and script shark.

Wow, is this poor form.  Such nerve, this guy.

And Script shark haha.  Tell you what -- you pay Gomez what you paid them, and I'll bet he gives you a glowing review, too.

I thought about deleting these posts, but chose to let them linger for a while.

In fact,

Quoted from Baltis- I'll check your script out, tho... "ha"

On the very off chance that you still actually find yourself in the mood to check this one out, Balt, you can go ahead and let it rip old-school.

Consider yourself "unchained", and I will keep the mods hands-off haha.  

Quoted from bert Wow, is this poor form.  Such nerve, this guy.

Hey, lay off the guy.  After all, he did say that I don't suck.  :-)

Bert,

I just want to let you know this had me in stitches:

Quoted from bert Consider yourself "unchained", and I will keep the mods hands-off haha.

The image it planted in my head will keep me chuckling for days.

On a sidenote, I just located the script on Trigger Street, and could only find 1 review.

Once again, kudos to you bert - hehe.

Andrew

Alright you guys don't suck! Thanks Julio... and Andrew, this is the third draft ... i had it up on Trigger Street a few times in the passed 2 years... they expire after a while.

I don't want to alienate myself... Thanks alffy

Also, I am in the process of reading a few scripts on here now... so that should help my reputation on here.

Ps. Script shark is no better than here and here is free... so you guys win ...