To Dream is to Live by Alan Wigley - Short - A young boy has a massive dream. And on this particular afternoon after school, his imagination goes off the charts, that is, before his mother totally ruins it for him. 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

Assuming Alan Wigley isn’t a pseudonym for another Alan….

This story has a few minor spelling/grammar errors but otherwise is well written enough.

I think it has a good premise. I think it’s cute but I think the story is ultimately a little too bare. There’s not enough action or build up. They don’t lead up to the winning shot. They go outside, pretend they’re there, and then it’s over.

I think it has greater potential than what it delivered.

A few other things:

Why would you call a younger brother’s resemblance to his older brother uncanny? It’s perfectly ordinary.

You could just write SLOW MOTION instead of “The film proceeds in…”

How can we hear an atmosphere creep “over the screen”? Over the soundtrack, maybe. Several times you describe things as OVER THE SCREEN. You could probably leave that out altogether in most instances. Once you even write “SILENCE fills the screen now.” I would look for a better way to describe that.

Overall, it has a cute basic setup and a good goal. It just suffers from not standing up to its desired effect. It’s not bad. It’s just a little too mild for its own good.

Keep writing. :)


Breanne

I really like the story.  I spent many a day in my backyard as a child with the sound of the crowd and the announcer resounding in my mind as I broke through the line, scoring yet again another touchdown!  I'm from the US, and back in the early seventies, I had no clue what soccer was.  :)

Anyway, this read great as a story, and I think would make a really good short.  Some things being told are not visual:

Quoted Text The two boys can�t believe their luck. His moment of magic is over. clearly sorting his thoughts.

I have regularly been taken to task for doing this very thing, and I'm working hard at correcting it myself.  I've been told that scripts must be visual, and this is so true.

Again, I do like this very much, and I think folks watching could relate to it!  Watch your logline, I think it gives too much away.

I liked it. There is a theme. It needs a more effective setup, IMO, and  I'm not sure quite what.  The story idea is good.

If this is to be a movie, it raises some questions, such as,  how can it not be obvious that this is not a real match?