Extreme Lengths by Tim Ratcliffe (trojan) - Short - Mike finds himself going to ridiculous lengths attempting to satisfy his girlfriend. 15 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Tim. Very well written and extremely funny (pun intended). The formatting was spot on and it was easy to read. There were the odd grammatical errors but easily fixed in revision. Good job!

Thanks Don for getting this up, appreciate it.

This is my first attempt at writing a screenplay so any and all comments are much appreciated.

Cheers,
Tim.

Quoted from stevie Hey Tim. Very well written and extremely funny (pun intended). The formatting was spot on and it was easy to read. There were the odd grammatical errors but easily fixed in revision. Good job!

Hey Steve, thanks for the read mate. Glad you liked it.

Hey Timmyboy. I liked the script and thought it was funny. Here are my views... (don't forget I'm new at this too!)

- The logline. Don't use the protags name in it. Use an adjective to describe him. The name doesn't mean anything to me because I haven't read the script, so it's useless and distracting.

- The title is great and funny.

- "This is obviously the kind of place to set you back some serious cash" Pushing the boundary of show don't tell. I know it's a description, not action, but just careful. I'm sure there are many other ways you can show that people spend lots of money there.

- "good looking in an unassuming way" What does that even mean? I don't understand.

- "CLINK" If I was writing this, I wouldn't put it in capitals. Some people like to capitalise every sound, or movement, but it's a bit old fashion I think. Just something to think about. "clink" would be very acceptable.

- "Mike turns around to see a man flashing a cheeky smile and small wave to Chantelle" Funny, but a bit too convenient. (plus, I think there is a typo in there too).

- Okay hold on. She either doesn't want to have sex with him because there is something special between them and she doesn't want to ruin it, OR all her boyfriends have had huge penis' and she wants him to be big too. It's not a huge deal to have both, I just think it would be better to have one or the other. Or make one more subtle than the other. Get me?

- "Yeah you are...for your height." Is this a joke about width and length? Or is it a joke about tall people having big penis'? I'm assuming it's the second one, and I don't think it's as funny as it could be. Isn't the joke more about having big hands?

- "You must know him pretty well to get that sort of a deal." This line could work or not work depending on how you want the actor to say it. If the emphasise is on the "pretty well" that would work. Said in a way which he knows that she slept with him. Then she gets all defensive.

- Okay up to page 6 and a half is very funny. Then the humour changes. The dildo thing. Make it a bit more subtle... it's too 'out there' comedy.

- Again, I like the line "Wow that is one freaky chick, man she is fantastic" but then it goes too far with "Hey does she still do that trick with a golf club and bottle of lube?" It's funny, but a completely different kind of 'funny' than the first 6 pages. And to be honest, I like the first kind of funny.

- "sitting back down" should probably be in the action.

- "Well I don’t know, I’d be worried ... Footloose comes on." It could be cut out. Again, different humour than the rest.

- Don't underline words.

- "Please?" Chantelle knows the size of his dick, so therefore I assume they have done other things besides sex. Why would showing the lingerie make him go back to get an enlargement when 20 seconds ago he said "Bigger? Are you out of your mind?"

- Love the ending, but the last line doesn't work. Why would he change his sex because she showed a bit of skin? It is funny, but doesn't work with the rest of the script. I'm sure you could do better. I can't think of any suggestions now, but if I do I will tell them to you.

- Chantelle seems a bit too... something with the whole emotional connected thing. There wouldn't have been much emotional connected when she was a sex addict, more lust. So I think she needs another reason to like being with a girl. Or emotional connected could work, just make it more subtle.

So there you go. I hope I have helped. Overall it was a very good script. It was funny, the characters were strong, the dialogue was witty and quick.... a good read. Well done!

Quoted from Tommyp Hey Timmyboy. I liked the script and thought it was funny. Here are my views... (don't forget I'm new at this too!)

Thanks for the read Tommy, I appreciate the detailed review.

Quoted Text - The logline. Don't use the protags name in it. Use an adjective to describe him. The name doesn't mean anything to me because I haven't read the script, so it's useless and distracting.

Yeah that was one of the things I was wondering about, I wasn't sure if it was acceptable to include names or not. Thanks for clearing it up.

Quoted Text - "good looking in an unassuming way" What does that even mean? I don't understand.

What I meant is that he is good looking in a generic sort of way, that he doesn't really stand out or warrant much attention based on his looks though.

Quoted Text - "CLINK" If I was writing this, I wouldn't put it in capitals. Some people like to capitalise every sound, or movement, but it's a bit old fashion I think. Just something to think about. "clink" would be very acceptable.

Yeah this is one of those confusing grey areas to me. I was reading the thread on here about the use of CAPS, it sounds like there is no particular protocol of how they should be used. I was under the impression that you had to CAP all of the sound effects, but then I read that it's not necessary and comes down to personal choice. So I'm not really sure if there is a right way to do it or not.

Quoted Text - "Mike turns around to see a man flashing a cheeky smile and small wave to Chantelle" Funny, but a bit too convenient. (plus, I think there is a typo in there too).

Yeah I agree it is not very realistic. But I felt I needed to include it to help paint the picture of her character and how she used to act. It's something you see a lot in film or TV, just as the lead character is complaining that the love interest hasn't called yet the telephone magically rings. Very convenient, but if it helps move the story forward or establish character traits then I think it can work. Thanks for pointing out that typo, I wouldn't have spotted it.

Quoted Text - Okay hold on. She either doesn't want to have sex with him because there is something special between them and she doesn't want to ruin it, OR all her boyfriends have had huge penis' and she wants him to be big too. It's not a huge deal to have both, I just think it would be better to have one or the other. Or make one more subtle than the other. Get me?

Yeah I know what you are saying. The real reason she is not wanting to have sex with him, and I don't know if I have been able to convey this accurately, is she simply doesn't feel compelled to sleep with him. He's a nice, safe guy and after dealing with a sex addiction he's the kind of guy she might look to, simply because of a lack of a real sexual attraction. Her reasons she gives for not wanting to have sex are basically her logical attempts to validate her emotional responses. So there is always going to be some excuse or reason she gives, even though it is not the underlying cause.

Quoted Text - "Yeah you are...for your height." Is this a joke about width and length? Or is it a joke about tall people having big penis'? I'm assuming it's the second one, and I don't think it's as funny as it could be. Isn't the joke more about having big hands?

I think there is a perception that tall guys have bigger dicks, that everything is in proportion. I didn't intend it to be a joke so much as a reflection of the fact that a lot of women will try and flatter their men by telling them how big they are and how good in bed they are etc. Often it is just an attempt to stroke the guy's ego when it is blatantly untrue. That's what I was trying to get at it here when I had her coming clean and using 'looking sympathetic' in a wrylie to show she was lying out of concern for his feelings.

Quoted Text - "You must know him pretty well to get that sort of a deal." This line could work or not work depending on how you want the actor to say it. If the emphasise is on the "pretty well" that would work. Said in a way which he knows that she slept with him. Then she gets all defensive.

Yeah it is intended to be said in a suspicious way, like he knows she probably slept with him. I didn't write that in for the character because I didn't want to go overboard with the wrylies. Maybe I should have written it? I felt that her reaction to the question would be enough for the actor to know how to emphasise the line.

Quoted Text - Okay up to page 6 and a half is very funny. Then the humour changes. The dildo thing. Make it a bit more subtle... it's too 'out there' comedy.

Yeah I changed the tone here a bit. What I was trying to do, and it may not have worked, was portray the doctor as an immature frat-boy type. Totally unprofessional and the last guy you would want performing this sort of surgery on you.

Quoted Text - Again, I like the line "Wow that is one freaky chick, man she is fantastic" but then it goes too far with "Hey does she still do that trick with a golf club and bottle of lube?" It's funny, but a completely different kind of 'funny' than the first 6 pages. And to be honest, I like the first kind of funny.

Ok yeah I actually put that line in as an afterthought. Partly because I wanted to further convey him as being entirely inappropriate, and partly becuase I just have that sort of sense of humor where I like to push things too far. As I probably did here  ;)

Quoted Text - "sitting back down" should probably be in the action.

Is it acceptable to put short directions like that in parenthicals? I know it's mainly for speech and things, but I thought it helps cut a bit more space and is easier to read. Might be the wrong way to write it though, I'll look into that.

Quoted Text - Don't underline words.

That's another thing I was unsure about. I have seen a few scripts where words were underlined for emphasis, but in others the words were in italics or bold. Is there a correct way to highlight words for emphasis?

Quoted Text - "Please?" Chantelle knows the size of his dick, so therefore I assume they have done other things besides sex. Why would showing the lingerie make him go back to get an enlargement when 20 seconds ago he said "Bigger? Are you out of your mind?"

Well actually they have never had sex of any kind. The reason she knows the size of his dick is she has seen him naked, like changing and getting out of the shower etc., and he has shown it to her after the operation. The showing of lingerie is meant to visualise the hint of sex that she lures him with. That he can go from being completely against further surgery to back in the doctor's office in the very next scene because he is thinking with his dick and not his head. The way that women can get men to do almost anything for them if the guy thinks there is a chance of sex.

Quoted Text - Love the ending, but the last line doesn't work. Why would he change his sex because she showed a bit of skin? It is funny, but doesn't work with the rest of the script. I'm sure you could do better. I can't think of any suggestions now, but if I do I will tell them to you.

Although it's not directly stated, the theme I was going for here was it's no use trying to change yourself in the hope of making someone like you. Either they like you for who you are or they don't. So I thought, what is the most extreme conclusion I can take this to? I mean the guy has two penis extensions and she is still not happy, so the ultimate request would be to get a sex change. It's an absurd thing to suggest, and you are right that a guy wouldn't do it. But by now he is so far in and so desperate to sleep with her that he will do anything. The more he does for her, the further he ends up from his goal (to have sex with her). That's why for the last line I have him say it (resignedly) to indicate that he is pretty much resigned to the fact that he knows he is never going to sleep with her but at the same time he is so invested that he simply can't say no. He is weak and therefore will never achieve his goal, but that won't stop him trying. That's what I was going for anyway, but perhaps it doesn't come across very well the way I have written it.

Quoted Text - Chantelle seems a bit too... something with the whole emotional connected thing. There wouldn't have been much emotional connected when she was a sex addict, more lust. So I think she needs another reason to like being with a girl. Or emotional connected could work, just make it more subtle.

Yeah when she was a sex addict there was no emotional connection, just lust as you say. So when she sleeps with a female friend who she does have a connection with, it opens up an entirely new perspective on sex for her. Whereas in the past it was empty sex and she ended up in rehab over it, here she has a fulfilling experience with someone and it's the reason why she suggests Mike have a sex change operation, thinking him being a woman will solve all her problems.

Quoted Text So there you go. I hope I have helped.

Yeah mate it definitely helped. Thanks for the feedback, you've given me some things I can work on.

Cheers,
Tim.

Quoted Text Yeah it is intended to be said in a suspicious way, like he knows she probably slept with him. I didn't write that in for the character because I didn't want to go overboard with the wrylies. Maybe I should have written it? I felt that her reaction to the question would be enough for the actor to know how to emphasise the line.

Her reaction might be enough for some readers to understand properly, maybe not for others. After second thought, it's fine how it is.

Quoted Text Is it acceptable to put short directions like that in parenthicals?

Messy issue. But 90% of people will say 'no'. The main reason to use them is if the person is saying the line completely differently that what it looks like on the page. Eg...

JOHN
(sarcastically)
I'm sure he will love it!

Quoted Text Is there a correct way to highlight words for emphasis?

I don't really know enough about this to answer. But don't underline, or bold your words. I don't think it's right to italicize them either. Someone else will need to answer this one properly I think...

The rest of your comments I wont comment on, because I don't need to, but I will say that you should stick to one type of comedy. With a few tweaks, this could change to the comedy of the first six pages, which would be better, than the crude comedy of the rest of it.

Overall great first script, good stuff man.

Hey Tim, just read your short.  I'm normally not a comedy guy, but this was actually pretty funny, in a silly kind of way.

I think most of your dialogue is rather stiff and unrealistic, but for the most part, everything works fairly well here.

As Tommy was saying, you don't want to underline or bold words.  You could use all caps if you really want to, but I'd recommend not doing it.

There's a great post in here about the use of parentheticals (wyrlies).  Here's the bottom line...use them sparingly, and only when it really makes a difference.  Some will say that there are various correct usages (in theory), but they take up space since they're indented, take teh reader out of the read, and direct the actors how to act...all are less than positive.  I like using them only in situations like "whispering", “to himself”, “to another character”, under her breath”, etc.  Just don’t overdue them, as they definitely stand out.

Pretty entertaining read overall.  Good job.

Thanks for your comments Tommy and Dreamscale, I'll take the formatting advice on board and correct it in the next draft.

Tim.

I'm going to start this review with a little anecdote.

I used to be in a writing group, and one of the guys in the group was working on a raunchy sex comedy.  Now, I am not offended by raunchy sex comedies by any means.  I loved Superbad (actually, I wouldn't even really call that a sex comedy, but I guess it's in that area), I loved the Hangover, I loved other similar movies that I can't think of now.  But his raunchy sex comedy was the most unfunny, unrealistic, offensive thing I had ever experienced.  And everyone else in the group thought so too.  It so happened, however, that everyone else in the group was a girl, too.  So the guy said that we just didn't "get" his humor because we weren't guys (as if we weren't already offended enough by his work) and left the group for another one (one that had guys in it, ostensibly).

So how does this apply to your short?  Well, I guess I'd just like to say: please don't write my opinion off just because I'm a girl.  As I've said, I can enjoy a wide variety of works, including raunchy sex comedies.

What troubles me about this piece isn't the sexuality: it's the fact that it doesn't ring true.  Comedy is most effective, I think, when it strikes at the heart of truth.  When you see it, you can't help but go, "omg, that's so true!!"  Or it's at least rooted in some sort of truth.  But in this piece, it seems like your version of reality is so far afield from mine that I cannot possibly have that reaction.

So, it's about a nymphomaniac who wants her boyfriend to get his penis enlarged.  This just doesn't ring true to me.  I've never met a woman who's even come close to this.  This is not something common in society.  I know that a lot of comedy is funny because it's absurd, but this doesn't strike me as trying to be absurd: it seems like it's trying to say something about men, women, and relationships.  But it's based on an understanding of male and female behavior that I don't share and have never heard of, so it just doesn't work for me.

Perhaps more importantly, your characters are unrealistic in such a way that makes them unlikable.  Because the girl is so obsessed with enlarging her boyfriend's penis--i.e. she doesn't accept him for who he is and actually is making ridiculous demands--I don't like her.   Because the guy is actually willing to go along with it, I don't like him.  If you must make your characters unrealistic, at least make them unrealistic in a likable way.

As a side note, the screenplay that was so vilified in my writing group also had a few references to black penises being large, and there happened to be a black person in my writing group.  Perhaps needless to say, she did not approve.  It's not edgy.  It's not provocative.  It's racist.  It's not offensive in a titillating way; it's just plain offensive.  But it's also a cheap, easy joke.  Comedy is about turning expectations on their heads; not about reiterating once again what's been said a million times.

After reading a couple of the comments, I'm apparently in the minority here, but for what it's worth...

Quoted from ricketybridge So how does this apply to your short?  Well, I guess I'd just like to say: please don't write my opinion off just because I'm a girl.  As I've said, I can enjoy a wide variety of works, including raunchy sex comedies.

I'd never write off anyone's opinion based on their gender, I welcome feedback from everyone.

Quoted Text What troubles me about this piece isn't the sexuality: it's the fact that it doesn't ring true.  Comedy is most effective, I think, when it strikes at the heart of truth.  When you see it, you can't help but go, "omg, that's so true!!"  Or it's at least rooted in some sort of truth.  But in this piece, it seems like your version of reality is so far afield from mine that I cannot possibly have that reaction.

Yeah comedy is very subjective and you'll never have something that everyone universally finds funny. The premise here is not one you can identify with, and that's fair enough.

Quoted Text So, it's about a nymphomaniac who wants her boyfriend to get his penis enlarged.  This just doesn't ring true to me.  I've never met a woman who's even come close to this.  This is not something common in society.  I know that a lot of comedy is funny because it's absurd, but this doesn't strike me as trying to be absurd: it seems like it's trying to say something about men, women, and relationships.  But it's based on an understanding of male and female behavior that I don't share and have never heard of, so it just doesn't work for me.

I think one of the tools of comedy is exaggeration, and that's what I tried to do here. It is an exaggerated take on how people in relationships try to change each other or change themselves to make their partner happy. So by taking that to an exaggerated extreme this is what I came up with. So while it's unlikely any of us knows someone who insisted their boyfriend get a penis extension, I think all of us know people who try to change the person they are dating.

Quoted Text Perhaps more importantly, your characters are unrealistic in such a way that makes them unlikable.  Because the girl is so obsessed with enlarging her boyfriend's penis--i.e. she doesn't accept him for who he is and actually is making ridiculous demands--I don't like her.   Because the guy is actually willing to go along with it, I don't like him.  If you must make your characters unrealistic, at least make them unrealistic in a likable way.

The girl was supposed to be unlikable, for exactly the reasons that you mentioned. She may seem unrealistic to you but unfortunately there are plenty of guys who are dating girls like this. There are girls who make ridiculous demands on their boyfriends all the time, so I'm not too sure what part of that is unrealistic. As for the guy, he goes along with it because he cares for the girl and is so invested in her. Again, I've seen guys compromise their own beliefs many times to please a girl so I don't think this is unrealistic. He may be unlikable because his behaviour is weak but this sort of thing happens all too often. Of course the specifics of getting surgery might be unrealistic, but like I said, it is about exaggeration of a real theme to have a comedic effect.

Quoted Text As a side note, the screenplay that was so vilified in my writing group also had a few references to black penises being large, and there happened to be a black person in my writing group.  Perhaps needless to say, she did not approve.  It's not edgy.  It's not provocative.  It's racist.  It's not offensive in a titillating way; it's just plain offensive.  But it's also a cheap, easy joke.  Comedy is about turning expectations on their heads; not about reiterating once again what's been said a million times.

You seriously think that alluding to the fact that black guys are well-endowed is racist and offensive? To me this is political correctness taken to absurd extremes. Is it offensive because I am a white person saying it? There are black guys who mention that black guys have large dicks all the time, are they being racist too? I know black women who laugh and joke about this too, maybe I better phone them all to tell them how racist they are. The fact that the woman in your writing group chose to be offended by that reference says more about her and her tolerance of sexually related topics than it does about race.

What if I had mentioned that black people run faster than white people, I suppose that would be racist too? I am not villifying anybody here based on race and honestly if people find that offesnive, I think they need to lighten up a little. I can accept the fact that you don't find the script funny or relate to it in any way, but I won't cop that there is anything racist or offesnive here, since this is a widely held view and I have never met a black person who would take exception to this.

Quoted Text After reading a couple of the comments, I'm apparently in the minority here, but for what it's worth...

Thanks for taking the time to read and post your comments, I appreciate it.

Cheers,
Tim.

Racist?  Offensive?  You love the movie "Superbad"?  Wow!

This script is not racist.  It is not offensive.  And Superbad is is an absolutely terrible piece of garbage, that still to this day, everytime I see it listed on one of teh movie stations, I have to laugh to myself cause it shocks me how popular it is and how often it is on.

Get a grip, Rickety.  Relax a little.  Let your hair down.  Watch Hostel 2 and tell me if it's offensive or discriminatory to women.

Quoted from Trojan I'd never write off anyone's opinion based on their gender, I welcome feedback from everyone. Yeah comedy is very subjective and you'll never have something that everyone universally finds funny. The premise here is not one you can identify with, and that's fair enough. I think one of the tools of comedy is exaggeration, and that's what I tried to do here. It is an exaggerated take on how people in relationships try to change each other or change themselves to make their partner happy. So by taking that to an exaggerated extreme this is what I came up with. So while it's unlikely any of us knows someone who insisted their boyfriend get a penis extension, I think all of us know people who try to change the person they are dating. The girl was supposed to be unlikable, for exactly the reasons that you mentioned. She may seem unrealistic to you but unfortunately there are plenty of guys who are dating girls like this. There are girls who make ridiculous demands on their boyfriends all the time, so I'm not too sure what part of that is unrealistic. As for the guy, he goes along with it because he cares for the girl and is so invested in her. Again, I've seen guys compromise their own beliefs many times to please a girl so I don't think this is unrealistic. He may be unlikable because his behaviour is weak but this sort of thing happens all too often. Of course the specifics of getting surgery might be unrealistic, but like I said, it is about exaggeration of a real theme to have a comedic effect. You seriously think that alluding to the fact that black guys are well-endowed is racist and offensive? To me this is political correctness taken to absurd extremes. Is it offensive because I am a white person saying it? There are black guys who mention that black guys have large dicks all the time, are they being racist too? I know black women who laugh and joke about this too, maybe I better phone them all to tell them how racist they are. The fact that the woman in your writing group chose to be offended by that reference says more about her and her tolerance of sexually related topics than it does about race. What if I had mentioned that black people run faster than white people, I suppose that would be racist too? I am not villifying anybody here based on race and honestly if people find that offesnive, I think they need to lighten up a little. I can accept the fact that you don't find the script funny or relate to it in any way, but I won't cop that there is anything racist or offesnive here, since this is a widely held view and I have never met a black person who would take exception to this. Thanks for taking the time to read and post your comments, I appreciate it. Cheers, Tim.

Racist is a big word and is bandied about too much these days.  It needs to be reserved for instances that lead to oppression of some kind, or it starts to lose its meaning.

That being said, I do know some black people who find the stereotype/myth offensive.

Why?

Because it backs up a long held sterotype of the Black man as a sexual predator who will come and have sex with your women. This was a standard archetype used in Hollywood films not so long ago and continues to influence writing today.

(For an excellent book on the portrayal of Black people in Cinema read Toms, Coons,Mulattoes, Mammies & Books).
http://www.amazon.com/Toms-Coons-Mulattoes-Mammies-Bucks/dp/082641267X

Recent research actually shows that Caucasian men have slightly longer erect penises on average than any other race.

http://www.sizesurvey.com/result.html


However, the pool of Black people was small (no pun intended  ;D) so can't be considered conclusive.

The myth may stem from flaccid lenghts, as opposed to erect. There is much less variation in the size of erect penises, than flaccid ones. It makes evolutionary sense that people from cold climates would have more "retractable" penises, to prevent frostbite. People from hotter climates wouldn't need that, so they are essentially more close to full length all the time.  

But that kind of anatomical evaluation is somewhat out of the remit of what I was trying to say.

Another problem is when people make the differentiation between Black and White. The African continent has the greatest genetic diversity of all people on the planet. This is consistent with the Out of Africa theory, essentially that we are all descended from Africans. This is pretty much conclusive now and it is understood that Europeans are all descended from a tiny tribe of Africans (maybe as few as 200 people) who migrated. Europeans, because of this, have very little genetic diversity.

So using the adjective "black" to describe the most genetically diverse people on the planet is a bit of a misnomer. We are basically lumping an incredibly diverse bunch of people into one category merely because they have more melanin due to originating from a hotter climate.  This is borne out when you say Black people run faster than white people. Some people (seemingly descended from a small part of West Africa) seem to have a very slight genetic advantage when it comes to running short distances. We are talking points of a second here. Extend it beyond 200 metres and the advantage seems to disappear.

That is also a very specific group of people, from a very specific area. Lazy statements that you hear, like black people have more muscle mass or some such thing, are silly. Kenyans for instance tend to be very slight.

The diversity would also apply to penis length, I'm sure. Because of greater diversity, you could reasonably expect to find both the longest and shortest penises amongst "Black" people.

Anyway, I'm not pointing fingers here or anything, just hopefully adding food for thought.

I decided to read the story as well, seeing as I'd gone into so much detail on the race thing.


I loved the dialogue in the opening scene. Very funny.

After that it tailed off considerably though for me. There was an awfully long time expeneded on the first penis extension and it just didn't have enough going for it.

I also am forced to agree with the earlier poster about the "truth" of the script. It's not the issue of her wanting the boyfriend bigger, but the story didn't seem to fit. She didn't want sex, but she wanted him to be bigger. The logic didn't work for me.

Plus it simply wasn't believable that he would go to such lengths for a girl like this, who was cheating on him and he clearly doesn't really care about (otherwise he wouldn't accept the cheating so readily).

It would work better if you took all the cheating out of it and just had it that they were having sex but she constantly wanted more and more. That's more in keeping with your theme. The impossibility of trying to please women.

That also has a far deeper level of meaning, that modern man in his quest to appease modern woman is emasculating himself.

All in all, it's got some decent comedy in there, but at the moment it's essentially just a "gag" script with a punchline.

It is very funny in parts though and your dialogue is good.

Dialogue is the only thing that can't be learnt, so they say, so you've got the hardest part out of the way...

I'm amazed with all the "believability" remarks on this script.  It's a frickin' little goofy, zany comedy for Christ's sake!  Just about every comedy isn't believable, nor do they try to be.

Unbelievable!!!!!!

Quoted from Dreamscale I'm amazed with all the "believability" remarks on this script.  It's a frickin' little goofy, zany comedy for Christ's sake!  Just about every comedy isn't believable, nor do they try to be. Unbelievable!!!!!!

If the characters in any script don't have a core of believability, then you can't get interested in them. If you are not interested in them, you're not interested in what happens to them (ie the story).

It's hardly unbelievable to point that out, is it?

And to be honest, I'm struggling to think of any successful comedy that doesn't have an element of believability to it. There has to be something that the audience can relate to so they have someone to rout for, otherwise there is no emotional attachment to the film.

Each to their own though...

I was messing around with the whole "unbelievable" thing in the script.

It's a throwaway 15 page comedy.  IMO, there doesn't have to be any believability to anything.  If it's funny, than it works on some level.  If it's not, it doesn't.

The "funny" thing is that I am not a comedy person at all.  I find very few comedies even remotely funny.  Based on my review, I seem to have thought this was at least mildly entertaining, and that's alot for me.

Comedy works for some and not for others.  That's the way it is.

Quoted from Dreamscale I was messing around with the whole "unbelievable" thing in the script. It's a throwaway 15 page comedy.  IMO, there doesn't have to be any believability to anything.  If it's funny, than it works on some level.  If it's not, it doesn't. The "funny" thing is that I am not a comedy person at all.  I find very few comedies even remotely funny.  Based on my review, I seem to have thought this was at least mildly entertaining, and that's alot for me. Comedy works for some and not for others.  That's the way it is.

That's fine and I agree to some extent. If it's funny it definitely works on some level and it is definitely funny.

However 13-15 pages is a long time for a short. No-one watches anything over ten online, it's hard to get them to watch over two. To get into a festival at that lenght isn't that easy eithe (means it has to be better than 3, 5 min shorts put together).

Trojan has some interesting things going on under the hood that could be brought out a bit stronger. So you keep all the comedy, but tighten the drama and the meaning and then you get a film that works on three levels: comedy, emotional and intellectual, rather than just one.

Dec, I hear ya...I really do.  BUT, I will say (and I say it all the time) that far too often, people try and make too much of things. Thye try and make it more than it is, or want more than what it was intended to be.

I won't go further into detail about this, but hopefully you understand what I'm saying and where I'm coming from.

Quoted from Dreamscale Dec, I hear ya...I really do.  BUT, I will say (and I say it all the time) that far too often, people try and make too much of things. Thye try and make it more than it is, or want more than what it was intended to be. I won't go further into detail about this, but hopefully you understand what I'm saying and where I'm coming from.

I do. I understand totally.

All we can do is offer opinions at the end of the day. The writer gets to choose what he wants to do with it. I noticed from Trojan's thoughts that he'd put a bit of thought into the story, and I saw the potential for a script with a little more depth to it, to add to the comedy.

I treat every script I read seriously, whether it's a throwaway comedy, a slasher script or a drama about the Holocaust. It's probably a result of having studied English Lit at University. I look for ways to bring out deeper meanings in things.

I just try to offer ways of adding layers to things, without changing their core elements.

Even "gross out comedies" as they call them, like American Pie and such tend to deal with very real and serious issues (teenage sex, love, relationships, trust, friendship, peer pressure etc).

Ultimately, from where I stand, it's tough to stand out from the crowd and you sometimes have to go that little extra mile to do so.

If you can make something very funny AND meaningful, seems to me that you've given yourself a bit more chance than just if it is funny.

Anyway, like I say, that's just my view on it. I'm a tough crowd, basically.  ;)

Here here...I'm a tough crowd as well...most of the time.

I'm also an English major, but I don't usually look for more, as long as it works for what it is.  I find that very often simple things get ruined by adding in conflicts or the like that take away from what could have worked quite well on its own.

I haven't read this script in a long time and probably won't again, so I can't really say I know what I'm talking about pertaining to this exact script.

I hear where you're coming from though for sure!

This was okay. The action, dialogue... just about everything was well-written. The story was interesting enough and it had a strong flow to it. None of the jokes were bad. I guess I found them sorta by the numbers. Mike Small, Dr. Johnson... I suppose these gags haven't been done to death but they do seem like the first place one's mind would go when conceiving a story like this. A little too obvious, I suppose. I did like the relationship between the couple though. Chantelle's frankness about her infidelity and Mike's completely understated reactions made for a clever and interesting chemistry. I haven't read all of the previous comments but if this is what people are referring to as unrealistic... fuck 'em! This is a farce, not intellectual satire.

Anyway, not bad for a first effort, I suppose.

Thanks for the read and comments everyone. This was something I wrote nearly a year ago and my first attempt at anything resembling a screenplay, so I'll be the first to admit it is far from perfect.

It was meant to be a little light-hearted comedy and not taken too seriously. Given the subject matter I think it's pretty clear this is an exaggerated tale so I'm not too sure why people are focusing on the believability of it. I think a lot of comedies are based in unrealistic situations. Groundhog Day, Liar Liar and Mrs Doubtfire come to mind off the top of my head. None of them are what I would consider believable but that doesn't stop people finding them funny.

With that said I'm sure there are many things that could be improved here, but I haven't even thought about this for months and have no intention to rework it. I do appreciate the feedback though and take all of it onboard, with the exception that there is anything racist or offensive in this which is ridiculous IMO.

Cheers,
Tim.

Hey Trojan.

Only gonna comment on d story. Everybody'd dun d wrest to death. (Sometimes I tink many forget d humor and get lost in their own analysis. IMHO).

Anyhoo. V funny. I thought it flowed well. nice clean crisp rightin'.

Liked it. liked it poss too much.

By the way, do you have the number of that doctor?

Em

Tim,

"This is obviously the kind of place to set you back some serious cash."  How does the audience know.

"She appears a little out of her element."

Again, superfluous.  The audience can ascertain this by seeing her outfit and the restaurant scenery.  You don't write things like this or internal thoughts.

"Chantelle gives a slight frown, unaccustomed to not getting her own way."

STOP at slight frown.  Again, the latter half is gratuitous.

"Thankyou."

Needs to be separated.

"Thankyou Mike."

Where did you learn that "thank you" was one word?

"Mike sits in a surgeons waiting room"

Surgeon's, not surgeons.

--------------------------------

Okay, I'm sorry, this one just didn't work for me.  It wasn't funny.  The characters just weren't believable at all.  C'mon, a Doctor is supposed to be playing around with dildos in front of his patients and make offensive, inappropriate comments about his current girlfriend, and show him his penis?  Not going to happen.

Maybe Mike should get a sex change, because based on this script he must be the biggest pu**y ever.  Are we to believe that after his girlfriend cheats on him, he's not only not very mad, but he's going to get ANOTHER operation for her?  That's just ridiculous.

Aside from character issues, you have a problem of telling rather than showing.  The characters and scene should speak for themselves and allow for interference.  You can't state what characters are thinking or side notes that the audience has no way of knowing without reading your script.  

Work more on creating a story and create some distinct, compelling characters and let the comedy come out of the situation that arises. You have tried to force jokes into your story at the expense of believability of the characters and this never works. These comments are meant to be constructive as I believe with a rewrite you could turn the basic premise into something better than what you currently have. Best of luck with it.

Why are you posting under this username instead of the other one? For what it's worth, this was my first ever attempt at a screenplay and was written some time ago. I agree it has problems, and have no intention of doing anything with it.

What I don't do however is try to mock people who have taken the time to post constructive review on my work. So you Andrew, have just proven yourself to be a douchebag of the highest order. Instead of trashing people, try to take on board what they are saying and learn from it. The same way I listened to people who posted feedback on this script which helped to make me a better writer.

Tim.

Tim,

I am not posing under a different username, I simply changed my username.  Never claimed otherwise.  I was giving you constructive criticism as you gave me.  I clearly took the time to read your work and provide sincere feedback.  Now if you so choose, you can go back and re-work some things (especially simple grammatical/formatting things like 'thankyou' and showing instead of telling).

I'm not trying to mock you in the least.  It is a solid effort for a first screenplay.  I did enjoy the "Mike Small" thing, that got a guffaw out of me.  I think if you re-wrote it you could do something with it.  I'm not sure where this hostility is coming from.  Sorry you feel that way.

Quoted from CthulhuRises I'm not trying to mock you in the least.  It is a solid effort for a first screenplay.  I did enjoy the "Mike Small" thing, that got a guffaw out of me.  I think if you re-wrote it you could do something with it.  I'm not sure where this hostility is coming from.  Sorry you feel that way.

How about because you posted the exact same paragraph at the end as what I wrote on your script? Trying to point out that I had problems in my script that I suggested you need to work on. Obviously it was not written with the best of intentions. If you want to play that game, fine. I'm not interested. Good luck with your short.

Tim.

Hahaha.....although this one stretches beyond believability, the events fit the tone of the script.

Basically this one feels like something between a skit and a story. You got some talking heads (albeit very interesting topics) with some occasional action for each scene. There should be some more visual ways to describe what you wanna tell us.

This one feels a lot like Terms of Endowment from the last few OWCs.

Liked the title, spotted a few typos. Good job.

Hey Tim.

Lol.  "You are...  for your height."  -  Classic.  My favorite line.

Yeah, the first half of the script is hilarious.  The second half is funny, but a little more slapstick and may have gotten just a little too zany.  It was okay, but not as entertaining as the first half.

On page 7, I think the Doctor's line would have read a little more funny if he said "Hey, does she still do that golf club trick without any lube?"  Just a little visual that popped into my head while I was reading.

I read that this was the first script you posted.  Pretty good.  I would've never known that it was anybody's first script if I hadn't read it in a post.


Oh, and by the way, that was pretty funny what you said on the other thread, "Me, My Milf, and I" and "There's Something About Mommy".  That was hilarious.  I'm trying to think of "The Vegetarian", though.  I can't think of what play on words that movie's from.  (I'm not familiar with all of the Farrely Bros. movies, though.)

But good job on this, especially for your first work.  It was funny.

- Mark

I thought this was cute but, damn, did it go on for a long time.  It was like reading an SNL script that would never end.  Some of the jokes in it were pretty good, but I waited too long for them.  Cutting five pages from this would greatly improve it...  Make it easier to swallow.


Phil

I jumped in and read the script before reading any comments or even the date on this, so sorry this is so late. I almost didn't comment, especially after you had mentioned that you don't plan on doing anything with this, but since I read it, I'll share my thoughts.

For what this is, it works. It is funny, but it was unnecessarily long. Going forward, it might be considered to keep shorts under 10 pages.

Some witty dialog and a funny situation. I could foresee where this was going, but when she asks him to get a sex change? Awesome. A nice pay-off.

Anyway, I'll check out some of your newer stuff. Please tell me this wasn't your first script and only the first one posted... my first several scripts were rife with errors and problems I'm too embarrassed to mention, but this was more 'veteran' than 'rookie'. Nice job!