Waterford by Hugh Price (cody kermit) - Comedy - Long time friends on the verge of college graduation evade an obsessive police officer while coping with separation anxiety and involuntary maturity. 117 pages - pdf, format 8)

Some Notes:
-dialogue doesn't sound very authentic. Seems like each line is a joke. Let lines flow. Don't try to insert jokes everywhere. The jokes will come through these characters naturally.
-work on format.
-too heavily focused on dialogue.
-I don't think the CUT TO transitions are necessary. It's fairly discernible to understand a new shot by skipping a line.
-New scenes deserve new scene headings like on pg. 7 when Bryan goes outside to see that his truck is dented.
-And time of day is required for scene headings. Pg. 7 -- INT. RECORDING STUDIO - (DAY/NIGHT)
-Every scene heading needs an action line.  
-Similar to the vulgar comedies that recently came out. But going along with that, I feel your characters should be people we like in the beginning. In Superbad, we were introduced to very naughty boys but we could connect with them.  Evan is nervous, shy, and very innocent (I'm aware of his potty mouth) in the sexual sense. And we can see that Seth is upset that his best friend's leaving him to go to a prestigious school while he's staying behind at a state school.  We sympathize.  But I don't really care for these guys.
-Introduce us to these characters. Describe them briefly when you first mention them  -- their age, looks, anything.
-Although I don't there are professors like Mackee, I think he's great and fits with the style of the script. Maybe it would be funny if he was a nervous character. I think it'd be hilarious to see this really nervous guy talking about getting fucked up to his students, like "I... um, so, my wife left me and I'm not in a very healthy state of mind right now.  And, uh... um... I'm down to get fucked up with any of you tonight." Just a suggestion.
-I like the Sarge.  I totally see Will Ferrell playing him.  Or Nic Cage (I'm weird).
-Rather than VO of the Sarge on pg. 17, I think it'd be funny if you think it's VO like you see his back, but in actuality, he's saying it aloud and kids are just watching him, confused as hell.  Maybe one kid says, "What the fuck are you saying, man?"
-Excessive dialogue.
-Characters need motivation, obstacles.
-How does David Hasselloff suck? Is this a pun? I don't think this belongs in a script. Certainly a funny idea, but maybe in dialogue?
-I like the idea of George's tripping out with the segments of Chucky's talking. But you have to format it better to make it more clear.
-On pg. 38, I think it should be Cassy applying for law school rather than going to law school.
-On 38, how can you show "He realizes he just missed out on some quality time with his best friends"?
-I think the car accident should start a lot sooner.  Cut out scenes early on.  They make your story drag.  I just started getting into it with George crashing his car into a police car.
-Have a focus on George in the beginning so we get to know him and sympathize with him so later on when all this shit happens to him, we can feel for him rather than just observe him.  And to be honest, I did not feel anything for this guy.  If it were happening to Bryan, I could feel more for him because he's actually responsible -- denying hits, being successful in the music industry.
-Funny moment when Jay gets lighter from George's pocket.  Especially because it didn't even work.



Major concern -- the character of George, why care about this guy? Maybe if he was charismatic and generally a good person, we'd care about him and not want him to go to jail.

my kind of movie. wish there were more out there like this. found it a little hard to follow at times but i think that issue would/will be resolved if/when it gets produced. got any others?