Just Super by Rich Wells - Short - A  guy seeks a date a supermodel, but finds it to be not quite what he expected. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

First thing I noticed is you're writing in production mode or you're trying to write this as a pilot for tv. I don't know. The thing here is you've numbered your scenes and have it set up very play-like or theater-like.

1 hyphen is sufficent and you use 2 in the headers. It's not needed. This, of course is technical stuff that has no merit on the story you're telling, persay. Rather it kind of detracts from the overall picture.  For such a short "screenplay" it took forever to finish it it would seem. It read very heavy. I don't know if your goal was to set up each scene this way, but it really takes a long time to get off the ground here and it's only 12 pages.  

The scene with the talk show host is very dry and very stiff. It's almost robotic. I know Host have a set of questions they ask, but they usually mix it up with banter outside their blue print.  Then you have Howard asking Tiffany if she's new to the area???? Ok...???

Your dialogue between the "other" Tiffany and Howard is also very stiff. It reads very stop and go. It needs to be tightened up a bit, I believe. People don't really converse this way in real life. More so guys and girls who just meet and show a vaqug interest in one another, but are too affraid to act upon that impulse

You use "BEAT" way too much and inconjunction with those wasted lines you also use the elipse, which, by the way, is industry standard approved. It is just fine to use the elipse and is almost frowned upon now to use (BEAT) at all.

In the end you've got a typical boy lust over girl he can't have story here. He then, in the middle of it all, finds the girl he's truly meant to be with but is too blinded by beauty to see her and instead looks through her. Past her.  It could work, these movies sell to their audience, but to me... not a chance. We've seen one, we've seen them all.  The writing is very articulate and well written but your dialogue is lacking in most everyway. It's just not conveying to me how two people would converse with one another.

Good attempt, not great. Drama/comedy is a tough one to tackle in any form... Be it 12 pages or 120.  

Thank you for your comments. My use of all the beats and the inarticulate dialogue was purposeful, to, hopefully, express how much of a dufus or geek this guy is. The story attempts to show his character arc as he eventually changes his views.  

It is probably a story that appeals more to women than men, I suppose.
I just filmed it, BTW.

Oh, one more thing... When you say,  "Then you have Howard asking Tiffany if she's new to the area???? "    You are right! It's an error. Geez, it should be the Host saying that. I will fix.

Why did you post a produced script on an "unproduced screenplay discussion" board?

Hi Rich, I had a read. Your formatting was good but overall the story didn't seem to move smoothly. Some of the dialogue was forced. Um, maybe too much description early on - do we need to know Howard has a guitar, if it isn't used in the story? And he doesn't seem to be much of a geek really.
I don't know, rich. You say you've filmed it and it would be interesting to see. Maybe it comes over better on camera. Hope this helps. cheers

Yes, much of the description was just there for the set designers. In a "real script", that would all be worked out in discussions and not detailed in the script.  And, of course, the reason for the specific items was to give a visual backstory of who this guy is.

Thanks for your feedback. I really appreciate it.