Donate by Will J. Wheeler (wjw) - Short, Horror, Bloody Short - A drunk man who's short on cash finds out his bloodtype. D... for Delicious. 11 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey ramblers,

Big cheers to Don for getting this online in an extremely timely fashion.

Had this idea way back in High School, sitting in Drama class and watching the blood-bus pull up outside. A friend and I came on the idea - and a few years later I've remembered it and turned it into this.

Thanks for reading. As usual, comments and crits are appreciated.

Where you from, wjw? I ask because reading this script makes me feel like it's not set in the states, dialog wise.

SPOILER........

The end when, tom has a bag of blood still attached to him. Why?

Quoted from GoreGore84 Where you from, wjw? I ask because reading this script makes me feel like it's not set in the states, dialog wise. SPOILER........ The end when, tom has a bag of blood still attached to him. Why?

Thanks for reading! I'll surely find something of yours to read.

Hey, man. Good spot, I'm in fact, Australian. It's weird you spied that from my dialogue. No-one has ever picked it up with previous scripts. Odd.

SPOILERS

I think the best answer to your question is: Ambiguity. Maybe he passed out and dreamt the whole thing before being throw out on the street. Maybe he didn't.

Hey, Will. Not a bad script. Not a great script, but not bad either. It would have been filmable if not for the long dark descending staircase and cave.

Tom didn't really speak like any drunk I've known. Usually drunk people can't put together long stories that actually make sense. Like the part about his ex.

You rely too much on the fact that death might come to Tom for us to root for him. Even though we tend to hope that people faced with death will live if they haven't done anything bad, I didn't really care about him as the protagonist.

Need page numbers.

p.1 You don't need to say "OUTSIDE" in your scene heading when it starts with "EXT."

p. 3 You should probably say that it's a female voice that speaks to Tom, but not a big deal.

In the states pissed means angry so you might want to use a more universal word, plus he was drinking and stumbling so we know he's drunk and will speak that way.

You don't really ever need to underline phrases. I've done it and been lambasted for it. Actually I think it was for italics, but same story.

Odd that Tom wouldn't notice that blood donations would probably not be accepted from drunks, but he was drunk I guess.

p.8 I didn't understand the following: "The nurse takes Tom’s big jacket and he sits on one of four." I assume you meant one of four available chairs, but it was confusing.

p. 10 A "creepy noise"? Describe the noise, be more specific. Even by the end I couldn't figure out what the noise could have been.

Why did Tom have a bladder attached to him at the end? I didn't get it.

The story was alright, not a bad piece of writing.

James

hey, good stuff.  reads like a good intro or final scene to something larger.

I think the dialogue is alright for a drunk guy, we can assume he's at the wonderful stage of drunkenness where youre drunk enough to return to some kind of coherence.  

However I agree with James about the whole gothic dungeon thing.  Kind of stereotypically vampiry.  Maybe go with the idea that the building was once a real clinic, they could have a creepy basement with old medical stuff, overlaid with whatever the vampires brought with them.  Since youre taking vampires and putting them with a pretty realistic guy it would be nice to have a slightly more realistic setting.

Other than that it was a fun read.  Do you have anything longer posted?